- This topic has 40 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 4 months ago by Kipiani.
Does it really matter why he lied to you? I’m going to say this again, because it bears repeating, this is who you married-someone who doesn’t really care about you or your feelings. If you are unwilling to leave, you need to accept his as he is. So because you know this is who he is, what’s the point of checking up on him? Catching him in a lie? It just upsets you. If you’re going to stay married, you need to find a way to get over it. I’m being serious. One of you has to change. He’s not going to. So you either have to or you leave.
I think this is Tina’s usual thought process of, “Please tell me that this is just me being unreasonable. My husband has a female friend and I struggle with that because I’m insecure and crazy. So my perfectly reasonable, above-board, husband has to lie to me about how he’s spending his time. He’s not cheating, I’m just unreasonable. Right? Right guys?”
GG so sorry to hear you’re having issues. I know I also felt so much relief when I reached a breaking point and kicked my first husband out. I hope you two can find a way forward soon, together or not.LisforLeslieAugust 2, 2021 at 9:31 am #1096126
@golfer.gal – I hope you’re OK, glad you no longer have an elephant on your chest. That’s a pretty remarkable sign.
@Tina – ok, so let’s say that he wasn’t having sex this time. He was still spending time and money with not you. Are you this delusional in the rest of your life?
If you are stalking your husbands whereabouts because you don’t trust him, it’s time to move on.
If your husband puts more effort into a friendship than he does his marriage, it’s time to move on.
If your husband avoids telling you the truth about his whereabouts/plans because it will cause a fight, it’s time to move on.
At this point Tina you need to see a psychologist, not a therapist. And get a divorce lawyer.
What move confirmation do you need. I am convinced you could walk in on them having full blown sex and STILL questions whether you should leave or not.FYIAugust 2, 2021 at 10:03 am #1096132
The very saddest part is that Tina has given up her fertility years to this delusion. (I can’t remember if she’s too old yet, but I remember her wanting to have children, but he said No, so she’s tolerating that.)
Congrats and godspeed, golfer.gal.TinaAugust 2, 2021 at 11:05 am #1096135
Kate you are right. That is my thought process… I do want to be told I’m over reacting. I question it every day.
Sometimes I wonder if the pain to leave is more than tolerating this. I don’t have family, my friends wouldn’t do much for me. He has been my family, my home, for 13 years. Since I was 20. I can’t imagine how home sick I would be. That’s when I think that pain would be worse to leave and I’m doing everything to hold on.
But I know his behavior is not ok. I know I don’t deserve this. The anxiety is awful.
But when we aren’t talking about her or I’m just purely with him, I feel “at home, at peace. So happy.”
I know this is so f***ed up.
Also I confronted him about the lie of going to work when his car was at her house. He said he stopped by to give her the gift and then he did go to work. So… I’m questioning myself now. Is it still not ok because he didn’t tell me he did that. Or is it not a big deal to “stop by a friends house”?golfer.galAugust 2, 2021 at 1:15 pm #1096142
Tina, the difference is on the other side of leaving is at least the possibility for happiness again. You will live in the fear, anxiety, grief, gaslighting, and pain, punctuated with increasingly short periods of feeling happy as his mistress becomes more and more of his priority, for as long as you stay with him/until he leaves you for her. I don’t understand the mental gymnastics- if you refuse to leave, why not just accept you’re in an open marriage and your husband has another partner?
Thanks for the kind words folks. I am doing pretty well all things considered. Lis, you’re right, when your marriage has become an elephant on your chest then it’s time to make a change. The next few months will bring a lot of change but I know in my bones that I’ll be ok. I cannot even explain the relief, even though it’s hard.BittergaymarkAugust 2, 2021 at 2:37 pm #1096145
I never quite grasp how so many fools who are utterly miserable in bad —- no, make that hilariously obviously toxic relationships somehow always cling to the bizarre and mistakeb belief that being along would…. somehow… be even oh so much worse.