- This topic has 40 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 4 months ago by Kipiani.
LisforLeslieAugust 2, 2021 at 4:15 pm #1096147
You are not overreacting. In fact, I think most of us here believe you are seriously underreacting to this situation.
You have spent so much time in this situation that all of your meters are off. All of your gauges are broken.
Yes, leaving would be scary. But what should be scarier to you is spending the rest of your life living the way you are living now.
And your statement about being at peace …. I get it… because when I’m not slamming my head as hard as possible into the wall, it’s so quiet and so painless. That’s what you sound like. Stop spending 7 days in misery to have 10 minutes of “peace” – that’s not peace. That’s stockholm syndrome.
It’s amazing the mental gymnastics you’re doing to try to make this somehow your own fault. He’s disrespecting your feelings and wishes at the very minimum and it’s yourself that you are trying to blame.
That means he’s successfully gaslit you into thinking you’re crazy and wrong despite all evidence contrary.
Maybe the reason you’re so isolated from others is no coincidence either.
You’re wrong thinking the pain being without him is worse than this. It might feel that way at first, but then you’ll realize how he’s treated you like shit and cheated (previously you mentioned this wasn’t the first affair!) on you for years and you’ll realize how much better life is.
Counselor, therapist, psychologist, psychic- whatever person you think you’ll listen to, go talk to them and stop banging your head against this brick wall and make a change.AngeAugust 2, 2021 at 5:51 pm #1096154
Tina if you leave I think you WILL be miserable. Not because your husband is a catch but because you’ve devalued yourself for so long you can’t envision a life where you’ll be happy. That’s on you, you have the power to change your outlook and your circumstances. Neither we nor your husband can fix your life, it’s all on you. At least in our case we want better for you, can’t say the same for Mr $70 moneybags over there….MareeAugust 5, 2021 at 3:25 am #1096283
Hi Tina, I’m not a regular so I haven’t read your other posts. I can’t comment on your marriage or tell you your husband isn’t having an affair. I can talk all about the pain of a fractured family and childhood trauma and the impact on anxiety and relationships as an adult. I see my patterns in your behaviour. My suggestions:
1) Take care of your safety, physically and financially. If there is any chance of violence get advice. See a lawyer if you can about how to safeguard your rights.
2) Find a way to soothe yourself when you are very anxious. Look up ‘self soothing’ online. Maybe try an app. Try and get some sleep and exercise even if it’s hard. You need to look after yourself because you are important.
3) If you can, get support for your mental health. A therapist won’t force you to leave your husband but they can help you find some peace wherever you are.
Start taking steps to build a support structure away from your husband if that’s safe. ( A support group, a walking group, roller derby – whatever floats your boat).
Bless you. I understand this is hard. You have lived through worse than starting fresh.KipianiAugust 5, 2021 at 10:28 am #1096291
Wow, what a whirlwind. I agree that there’s not much more to be added, but @BGM I think people in this position feel embarrassed (for staying in a failed relationship for so long) and ashamed (for not being able to make it work).
Tina: I think this is what’s holding you back, but every day has the potential to be the first day of a new and better life. You can do this. You know how I know? Because your gut is telling you something is off. That’s why you’re here asking for advice. You see your bf for who and what he is – cruel, unfaithful, and inconsiderate. This is one case where, in the long run, you will not regret trusting your intuition. Don’t waste another precious day of YOUR LIFE on this piece of human garbage. It’s your choice and you CAN do it!