September 6, 2018 at 6:22 am #794678
From a LW:
“Hi I’m reaching out because I don’t know what I should do. I’m only 22 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I love him with every fiber of my being. We even moved away together for Universtity and that’s when I knew we had a problem.
You see, I’ve been faking orgasms since we go together. Now that I’m making new friends I hear them talk about how many people they hook up with and the mind blowing sex, I’m jealous that I don’t have that. We started off as friends with benefits I was in a very valunerable place so it was just nice to have someone. I started faking them because he is bad in bed and I didn’t want to discourage him or make him feel bad and I definitely didn’t want to loose my FWB. At the time I didn’t see this becoming a long term relationship. But here I am, 4 years later and the only satisfaction I get is by myself. When ever I don’t “orgasm” he keeps trying and than gets upset if I don’t.
I wouldn’t be reaching out if I wasn’t desperate, but I’m completely lost I love him, and I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he doesn’t seem to understand or he doesn’t want to. I can tell he tries but nothing seems to work.
I’m so hopeful that we can figure something out, but I’m really conflicted on what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.”September 6, 2018 at 7:13 am #794750
You didn’t want to lose a FWB who is bad in bed? Honey that’s reason #1 to lose a FWB! Now you have faked your way through four years of lousy sex and are wondering what to do. You have three choices: be explicitly honest that what he’s doing doesn’t work for you and never has them let him try to work through that, you break up, or you cling to this relationship until you cheat. Do both of you a favor and end this. Sexual chemistry is key to a lasting relationship and you deserve a satisfying sex life. He doesn’t deserve the emotional baggage of learning that you have been lying to him about a critical part of your relationship for four years. Break up and never fake it again. Seriously, it is pointless.September 6, 2018 at 7:17 am #794759
I think that with any partner you’re going to have to be able to have frank conversations about what works for you and what doesn’t. You may not be able to make things work with this guy, but you’re going to have to have these conversations at some point with someone.September 6, 2018 at 7:50 am #794811
Don’t fake it anymore. Figure out what you like (it sounds like you know how to make yourself orgasm, so this should be fairly easy) and tell him what to do to please you.
Or, break it off and do better next time. He doesn’t seem like he actively wants to get better in bed to please you. Is that really the man you love with every fiber? One who isn’t too concerned if you don’t get off?
I think it’s really kind of bad that you’ve been faking it for four years. I understand you were in a bad place and needed someone, but you should have found a therapist. A boyfriend isn’t a crutch.September 6, 2018 at 10:01 am #795018
At your age you probably wouldn’t be having them anyway. But ya why stay with a FWB if there is no benefit?September 6, 2018 at 10:14 am #795041
Wait, what? Why wouldn’t a 22-year-old be having orgasms?September 6, 2018 at 10:31 am #795072
A huge amount of women don’t have them for years until they learn their own bodies better. It’s fairly common.September 6, 2018 at 10:32 am #795075
Yeah I had plenty of orgasms at 22. She has no problem getting herself off. Orgasms are kinda the point of a sexual relationship. I think it’s batshit to expect women to shrug them off like they aren’t important.September 6, 2018 at 10:39 am #795088
I don’t think it’s that common. It seems to be because this guy is bad in bed, she said it. She has them on her own. Now, she kind of owed it to both of them to show him how to go about it, so that’s on her. It may be too late now.September 6, 2018 at 11:12 am #795142
It might depend what she needs to do by herself to get off as to whether its reasonable to expect he could get her there. Some women have trouble getting off from PIV sex because it really doesn’t hit all the right buttons for some women. With my husband I use a little handheld clit vibrator along with PIV to get off.
But really if you aren’t willing/comfortable to have this talk with him then its not that good of a relationship. You shouldn’t spend any more time with a guy who you can’t talk honestly about sex with, someone who doesn’t get you off, and who isn’t interested in working harder to do so.September 6, 2018 at 11:13 am #795144
Here are the results of a recent Cosmo survey that says 84% of women 18-24 have had an orgasm.
But overall, 57% of women orgasm all or most of the time they have sex with a partner. Combo of guys being bad in bed/not caring, and women not being direct about what they need, I think.September 6, 2018 at 11:19 am #795156
LW — If you want to stay with this guy, getting what you want in bed doesn’t have to be confrontational and doesn’t have to be dropping the big bomb: I’ve been faking it all this time. Decide what you want/need. Strongly suggest adding this to your sexual repertoire as a couple ‘for variety’ or just because you feel like experimenting. If he refuses, then you know that you REALLY have a dud and need to MOA, regardless of any comfort-zone attachment you feel towards him. What you have isn’t working for you sexually and you don’t actually have a relationship with the guy, because you say this is fwb. I agree with the other posters — why would you stay in an fwb, without the conventional b. There must be some other b that this guy provides. Think about what this is, because it is what is keeping you leashed to this guy.