I’ve become abusive and I can’t stop blaming myself

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  • October 31, 2022 at 5:31 pm #1116723

    Me (24 F) and my fiance (31 M) have been in a relationship for 2,5 years and we work together which was his initiative even though I wasn’t really sure about it because he is very jealous and has been emotionally abusive to me since the beginning but I thought that I can cope with that. His previous relationship ended due to the same reasons: his irrational jealousy and the need to control everything. He insisted that I change my phone number and deleted nearly all my facebook friends. Slowly started to isolate me from my friends, followed me every time I hung out with anyone and managed to isolate me from them so I had literally no one but him before I started working and met some co-workers.

    Things had already been messed up but they’ve gotten worse since I started working with him. He doesn;t let me wear what I want to wear, I can;t even put on a necklace because he finds it appealing and sexy. The first three months were okay because I wasn’t close with anyone except formally but then I met a female colleague who is my age and we started spending time together and things seemed to be going well until a new colleague started working in their office and once we all had a conversation about our hobbies and preferences and the new said that he loves the theater and told us about his favorite places he goes to and I told my fiance about that which really upset him (he thinks that he was trying to impress us) so he forbade me to go to their office.

    Well, I didn’t listen to him and went there couple of times and every time I went he came to check on me and made excuses that he needs me so that I leave the office with him. So, today things culminated when he did it again and told me to leave with him which I did and he started blaming me and saying that I can’t say no to people and that I am very naive and so many things and then asked me to return the ring which he does every time we fight and I had a nervous breakdown, I started yelling at him and hit him in the face multiple times. I feel very bad about that and I am considering to talk to a professional about my nervous breakdowns but what makes me sad is that the moment I lose myself and hit him he forgets about the emotional abuse he is doing to me , the fact that he isolates me from everyone and I am the only one who is to be blamed.. I don’t know what to do. I know that it’s my fault this time but still I feel very bad about his actions. Please help.

    • This topic was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by sarah.
    October 31, 2022 at 6:29 pm #1116725

    I would google reactive abuse and while you’re at it keep googling resources to do everything in your power to get away from that man, he’s awful.

    October 31, 2022 at 9:26 pm #1116726

    Please check out http://www.thehotline.org and look for resources for abused women in your area. If you aren’t in counseling, start going. You’re going to need help making a plan to leave your relationship safely and you need to have somewhere secure lined up to stay. The fact that you work with your abuser is also very, very bad so definitely start looking for other work. You can’t keep safely working there. Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That is also incredibly informative and helpful. If you’ve got family you can stay with or lean on for support, or a way to contact the friends he’s isolated you from, do that and call in any favors you can to get away. The abuse will get worse, not better

    November 2, 2022 at 1:49 pm #1116740

    I am glad you recognize his abuse for what it is. Please do look up “reactive abuse” because your reaction to him abusing you for literally years does NOT make you an abuser. However, he may very well use it as an excuse to start escalating his own abuse. Regardless, it is a very loud and clear signal that you need to get out as soon as possible.

    PLEASE get counseling for yourself (not couples counseling, which is never recommended in abusive situations) and consult a domestic violence organization that can help you develop a plan for getting out. He is doing everything he can to make you dependent on him — controlling your career and cutting you off from other people who might be able to help you.

    In case you need to hear it (I wish someone had said it to me), it is not normal or acceptable for your partner to tell you what you are allowed to wear or who you are allowed to spend time with. You are an adult, not a child. His feelings of jealousy, insecurity or anxiety do not give him a right to micromanage YOUR behavior.

    I wish you well. Please be careful (erase your browsing history, etc.) and let us know when you are able to get out.

    November 2, 2022 at 2:34 pm #1116741

    You need to get out of this relationship. You are not abusive, you were reacting to being abused for so long.
    You cannot marry this man. I truly hope you stop beating yourself up over reacting an understandable way.

    You need to break up, move apart, see a therapist (agree that you cannot do couples counseling!) and probably look for a new job. This is abusive, and a bad relationship but neither of those things are solely and only your fault. I hope you can get out safely, find a good therapist and get healthier ideas of what relationships should look like. Good luck to you. This never would have worked because he’s not a great guy. Remove that fantasy from your mind.

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I’ve become abusive and I can’t stop blaming myself

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