- December 6, 2019 at 12:38 am #863334MaltaKanoGuest
FYI, you just blew my mind a little there. Now to go analyze the last decade of my dating life through that lens…December 6, 2019 at 12:17 pm #863471LisforLeslieGuest
Perspective is everything and right now you are in the middle of the storm. It’s absolute chaos.
What you’re going through is essentially grief. We often think grief is only when something tragic happens – like a death or a serious accident, but grief isn’t limited to just those instances. You are essentially grieving for what could have been, but isn’t. You’re grieving for the pain in your heart. It’s awful isn’t it? But this kind of grief, like most kinds of grief, will not kill you. You will be tender for a while -like when you get a blister. But just like a blister, eventually you’ll start to heal and be a little tougher.
This guy isn’t awful, but he is playing games with both you and his girlfriend. And I’m sure he’s telling himself that he doesn’t want to hurt either of you (and that’s good), but in lying to both of you and stringing you along he’s doing harm (and that’s not good).
You deserve someone who is going to be honest with you and has the strength of character to be honest with the people in his life and treat them with kindness and respect.December 6, 2019 at 12:23 pm #863474ElleGuest
Hi, I’m the original poster!
I just wanted to clarify that I did NOT know about the girlfriend when I was allowing him to cuddle me/spoon me/share a bed with me. I would never do that to another girl because I know how shitty it is. I mean, deep down I had a really bad feeling. Maybe I was just in denial because I didn’t want it to be true. But I swear I didn’t know about her.
Thank you for all your insightful replies — it does make me feel a bit dumb to place so much significance on one guy. And I know that the things I named that make him a good person might seem superficial and trivial, but there’s so much more than I didn’t talk about. He does plenty of good things and he never brags about any of them.
Elle xxDecember 6, 2019 at 12:34 pm #863479AllornoneGuest
You’re not dumb; you’re human. And you’re dealing with very real emotions for the first time, which makes the whole experience that much harder. We just want you to know that if you walk away (which you really should), it will get better. Yes, it will hurt. It may hurt for a while. And then one day it won’t. And you’ll be better for it.
Plus, as weird as it sounds, be happy this happened to you now. My first real heartbreak was in my late 20s and it took me years after that to find someone actually worth my love. You’re ahead of the game (my game, at least) and will probably find a great relationship much sooner because of it. Oh, and the guy that broke my heart? I now wonder what the hell I was thinking. And when tried crawling back to me this year just after his divorce, it was hard not to laugh.December 6, 2019 at 1:07 pm #863487anonymousseParticipant
You don’t sound dumb. You’re 17 and this is new for you. Seriously, you’re ahead of the curve.
Everyone has emotions, and sometimes people have emotions that logically they can know are ridiculous, over the top, cold, etc and choose to give in to the emotional pull or choose to use reason and -in this case-(I hope) walk away and let the feelings subside on their own.
He can be a “good guy” in some respects while also kind of shitty in others. We’re all human, none of us are perfect and believe me, we’ve all made plenty of mistakes. I have made so many immature/asshole mistakes in my life where something I’ve done has hurt others. We’re all learning.
But in this instance- you don’t have to be the sacrificial lamb and stick around to get your feelings hurt more while he grows up. He’s not treating you or her with respect, so for your self esteem and wellbeing, it’s probably time to stop spending time with him.December 6, 2019 at 2:35 pm #863504EssieParticipant
You haven’t done anything wrong here, LW. He lied to you, even if it was a lie of omission, by not telling you about his girlfriend. That was on him; it was his responsibility to tell you when he realized you were interested romantically, and his responsibility to back off when things started getting cuddly.
I know you want to defend him because you want him so much, and I’m sure he has many fine qualities. But what we’re trying to get across here is that it only takes ONE character flaw or trait to cause misery to potential partners. Someone can be generous and altruistic and kind to his friends and family – and still be immature and selfish and willing to lie to get what he wants. The fact that he’s kind to homeless people won’t take away one moment of your pain when he breaks your heart over and over again.
You’d probably find it helpful to read some of the other posts and letters here. Probably a majority of them start out by listing all of the fabulous qualities the LW’s partner has, and then there’s the “but he….” or “but she…” It only takes one “but” to make you miserably unhappy and make a relationship impossible.
He’s not the guy for you. Really and truly, he isn’t. Cut off contact, let yourself be sad for awhile, and keep busy.December 6, 2019 at 3:21 pm #863517SkyblossomParticipant
Don’t feel dumb. You only see the parts of someone that they allow you to see. If they are hiding things it takes a while to find out about those things. It also means they are sneaky and deceitful. They hide things because they know you won’t like those things. He knew that you probably wouldn’t spoon and cuddle if you knew about his girlfriend so he hid his girlfriend. That’s why it is good to take your time when getting to know someone. Also, you’ve learned to question why someone who is acting like a boyfriend isn’t wanting to be your boyfriend. That’s a red flag and a good lesson everyone needs to learn. If someone wants to be your boyfriend they will be your boyfriend.
You were right in your first post that even if he left his girlfriend for you there would be no trust. You are right. Now you know him better and you know you wouldn’t be able to trust him. He proved himself untrustworthy. That’s what dating is about. That’s what getting to know a person is about. You learn about them and their strengths and weakness and their character and their hopes and goals and see if all of that is a fit with yourself.
Now you can move on. It will hurt at first but after while it will hurt less and then it won’t hurt and sooner or later you will meet someone else and you will be glad you aren’t still wasting your time on the guy who hides a girlfriend from you. You will be able to compare the next guy with this one and the next one will probably be better and if he isn’t you will know to keep looking.December 6, 2019 at 4:33 pm #863543LisforLeslieGuest
You are not dumb. You are not foolish. All of his behavior screams “I don’t have a girlfriend” and it sounds like he never mentioned having a girlfriend.
That’s called a lie of omission and some consider it equivalent to a lie. Some don’t, as in “What Elle doesn’t know won’t kill her”. But finding out… well it’s not killing you but it is hurting you.
So this guy didn’t intentionally hurt you but he dismissed the possibility that his actions wouldn’t hurt you because he assumed that you’d never find out. I’m not saying he’s a terrible human being, but I don’t consider him a stand up guy either.December 6, 2019 at 4:46 pm #863550SkyblossomParticipant
What you’ve learned is that he isn’t good for a relationship. His girlfriend can’t trust him so neither can you. He doesn’t mind lies of omission. If someone leads you to believe one thing, whether that is through words or actions, when actually something else is the truth, then that’s a lie. Presenting yourself as single when you aren’t is a lie.