Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

I’ve gotten in trouble with a boy & I’m scared to lose my mom and I relationship

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice I’ve gotten in trouble with a boy & I’m scared to lose my mom and I relationship

This topic contains 34 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar León 3 weeks, 2 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 35 total)
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  • #750840 Reply
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    Lexi

    Dear Wendy,
    I’ve known this boy for over a year now and we dated last year. I ended up making really disappointing decisions which included lying to my mom and going behind her back. Once she found out she was so hurt and mine and her relationship was really damaged. I vowed to never do go against her trust like that ever again bc nothing was worth losing her over some dumb choice. Since then that boy and I have agreed to be just friends and he seemed like he had really gotten his life together. Lately my dad has made me not even a priority in his life I feel like with his new absusive wife. And I don’t like being around him because the only thing I hear when I get to his house is about their problems, I’m 15 years old and I have to deal My with my dads marriage problems. When I leave his house I don’t even hear from him unless him and her are fighting. Then he will text me or call me and rant about her. Because of this I’ve felt so so lost these past couple of months. Since I’ve grown apart from my dad, my mom was the one I started getting closer to. She got a new job a couple months ago and she’s been off in Seattle for training and I’ve been home alone with my stepdad. This has made feel lost even more because my mom and I don’t get to see each other like we usually do. This past week my mom and stepdad have gone on a vacation so my grandma came into town to watch over me. Last night that same boy from last year texted me and said he was having a hard time with his grandpa dying and asked if he could come over to talk bc he felt like he has no one else. I knew it was wrong and that he shouldn’t have been coming over but at the time he texted me I was looking through pictures of my dad and I and I was in a really bad place mentally. I agreed but only under one condition nothing sexual was to happen. When he got to my house I snuck him in which I’m still ashamed about because it was a dumb decision. We talked for a little bit when he went on about his feelings with his family. We had a heart to heart and I got to see a different side of him and I got to relate to him a lot bc he felt detached from his dad too. After awhile he asked if we could just lay there for a minute like old times. Which our thing is to lay together with pants on but no shirt (bra was still on), this is nothing sexual it’s purely relaxing honestly. After awhile I knew he should’nt have been there and I got a gut feeling that he needed to leave. He started getting his shoes on and just as he was about to go my grandma walked in and I understand how it must’ve looked to her. She handled the situation well and told him that she suggested he get out immediately. After he left she told me how disappointed she was in me which I also understood. I didn’t even try to tell her the whole story because I know she wouldn’t believe it. She told me that I’m telling my mom when she gets back home in 2 days. I’m terrified I don’t want to lose my mom’s relationship because I have no other parent seeing as my dad is too caught up. I want to tell her the whole story but seeing as how much trouble I got in last year i know she’s not going to understand I mean who would after the bad influence he had on my life last year. If you have any advice it would be so helpful right now because I know I’m in the wrong for allowing him to come over but I don’t want to lose my mom again we just got our relationship to a great place.

    #750843 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Unfortunately neither of your parents has much time for you. That leaves you very vulnerable to a young man who seems concerned. This isn’t all about you making a mistake. This is just as much about you having no one around to turn to because your parents don’t make enough time for you. It is natural to turn to whoever is available and this boy was available and in a similar situation so he understands you and you understand him. The trouble with this type of situation is that the girl often ends up pregnant when what she needs is a connection to a person who cares.

    You need to find a way to connect that won’t lead to you getting pregnant. Think of things to do where you can have time to talk but not end up in a cuddle that leads to sex. Maybe go for a bike ride or a walk with this boy or another boy or meet at a coffee shop or get something to eat together. Keep it public but with enough space around so that the two of you can talk.

    Do you have friends who can be there for you since your parents aren’t? You need people who care, who will listen, who will understand and who want to spend some time with you. Just make sure you don’t end up alone at home with a boy. You need to think it through ahead of time and if a boy calls and asks to come over suggest that you meet somewhere other than his house or your house. If it is too late to go out suggest that you meet the next day. If he really wants to talk to you he will understand. If he just wants sex he won’t and that will help you eliminate the guys who are trouble. Also you can talk over the phone and text and Skype if someone needs to talk immediately. They don’t need to come over and cuddle with your clothes off to talk to you. Also, don’t get into sexting. Don’t let a guy talk you into sending nude pictures of yourself. Once those leave your phone you have no control over where they go and who sees them. The same for Skype. Don’t get naked or even partially naked over Skype.

    Your mom will make this all about you making a big mistake but both her and your dad are making a bigger mistake. They are leaving you in a vulnerable place. The trouble is you will be the one who suffers for their negligence and so you have to make good decisions for yourself.

    Can you tell your mom how alone you feel?

    #750845 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    I can assure you, not wearing a shirt in front of a hormonal heterosexual boy is sexual. It’s alluring. Don’t pretend it wasn’t.

    You have been neglected a bit, but you are old enough to know what is expected from you. Sneaking boys in at night with your grandmother there watching you was a poor choice. It will be scary but maybe telling your mom what happened and how neglected and alone you feel will be good for both of you. That’s no excuse, though.

    #750846 Reply
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    JD

    You can cuddle with a top on. haha. Seriously, your mom sounds busy but you sound like you take everything so over the top. Your mom didn’t like abandon being your mother because she was mad at you, she was mad for good reason, expressed it to you, etc. She will be upset again because once again you lied and made a stupid decision. This is called consequences for your actions. You need to stop acting like mama will never love you again just because she disciplines you. You are not so so neglected. You have a complex life and family just like every one else.

    #750847 Reply
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    L

    I’m sorry haha where in my post did I say that my mom will never love me again just because she disciplined me? I’m honestly glad she disciplines me because I have friends who’s parents don’t. Also I never said my mom abandoned me nor negelected me I said because of her being gone so much and my dad not being very involved I’ve felt lost, that is a validated emotion. I came to this site for advice not to be mocked for my situation. I’m sorry if I come off as taking it over the top but I’ve owned up to my mistakes so I’m not seeing where the over the top comes in.

    #750848 Reply
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    JD

    You literally proved my point in your response.

    #750849 Reply
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    Ruby Tuesday

    Please buy some condoms immediately. I think you are playing with fire and should wait until you’ve matured more, but you should be prepared.

    #750850 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    I’m sorry, but there’s not much for you to do here but be honest with her, take responsibility for your bad decisions, and deal with the consequences: her disappointment and anger. It really is that simple. You’re looking for a way out of this that won’t hurt, but there isn’t one. You can make all the excuses you want, but you still made the choice and you have to live with the results.

    Look, nobody gets everything they want in life. Just about every choice you’re going to make from here on out will come with tradeoffs. You knew your mom would be upset that you were seeing this boy, and you chose to cuddle with no shirt on in a place where your grandmother could walk in on you.

    (I’m old enough to be your grandmother, and I’ve done my share of sexy cuddling, and I’m sorry, but if you claim that there’s nothing sexual about cuddling with your shirt off, yeah, people are gonna laugh at you.)

    Here’s how you should have handled this. You should have told your grandmother that your old friend had lost his grandfather and was upset, and wanted to come over to talk. Then you sit in the kitchen or the living room and talk.

    I’m sorry that your dad’s being an idiot and your mom’s busy and not home as much as you want/need her to be. But making bad decisions is only going to make things harder on you, not easier. Talk to your mother about feeling disconnected from her. Talk to her about how stressed out you are when your father dumps his problems on you.

    #750851 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    “I’m terrified I don’t want to lose my mom’s relationship because I have no other parent seeing as my dad is too caught up. I want to tell her the whole story but seeing as how much trouble I got in last year i know she’s not going to understand I mean who would after the bad influence he had on my life last year. If you have any advice it would be so helpful right now because I know I’m in the wrong for allowing him to come over but I don’t want to lose my mom again we just got our relationship to a great place.”

    Own up to it and make better choices. Apologize. That’s all you can do. You’ll need to gain her trust back. She’s on vacation…she hasn’t left you. At your age, I would assume you have other interests going on. Hobbies. Schoolwork, friends. Focus on school and doing the best you can to regain her trust.

    #750852 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    Idk. A mother who goes away for job training and then immediately comes home and goes on a week vacation is pretty shitty. And a dad who has a volatile relationship with his wife and dumps it on the LW. That’s a lot.

    I honestly can’t imagine what that feels like to a 15 year old. Show some compassion.

    LW, I’m sorry you’re going family life is messy. But I do agree that you should concentrate on your studies. Find friends who are motivated and compassionate.

    My two best friends in junior high and high school had super crappy parents. They were over at my house a lot and knew they always had a place there. Find friends like I was instead of boys. It will help. I promise.

    And if you do have sex, use protection.

    #750854 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    I don’t know @ktfran the mom may have had non refundable vacation plans and had the training thrown at her last minute.

    OP you made some mistakes. Pretty stupid ones with the boy, but I don’t think you are stupid, just lacking perspective that comes with age. Your mom is going to be furious. She will still love you but she probably won’t like you for a bit and she won’t trust you. Keep a low profile at home, do the chores, keep up with school.

    She will come around but it will take a bit, be patient.

    #750864 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Really, being away at a job training for a new job, and then a seven day vacation makes a mom shitty? For a fifteen year old?

    What was that about compassion?

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