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Dear Wendy

Jealousy? Anger?

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  • #1041550 Reply

    So when I was broken up with my bf, we were not on good terms and well he flirted with a bunch of girls, he told me about it later honestly.

    The first girl he flirted with, however, hung out with me at the time and tried to help me through the break up. She liked him before our relationship started.
    She had said mean stuff before, like “You guys don’t argue at all, you mustn’t love each other.” Once she told him that he made a mistake dating me as a “joke”.
    Anyway when he flirted with her, she flirted back, basically cheating on her bf, who eventually found out. He tried to forgive her but eventually she broke up with him cause things got toxic.
    No one told me anything, she actually told me in a roundabout way that she flirted with this guy at her school but her bf had been horrible before so she did it out of anger and if what she did was really wrong. Anyway after my bf rejected her, she asked him to get back with me, many times.

    While she still hung out with me, she told me things like “your ex and I have so much in common, we both don’t wanna get back with our exes.” and many many things.
    I stopped hanging out with her, still met her at tuitions, she perhaps anticipated us being back cause once when I was happy she asked me if anything good had happened in a very cryptic way. She also invited me to her b’day, I didn’t go, however. When I told her, I got back with him, she told me to hit him if he leaves me again. On my b’day she asked him what he gave me, because she “likes to know what bfs gift ther gfs”.

    He thought I might go fight with her. He didn’t hate her, in fact he tried to tell me that she actually has a high opinion of me cause she asked him to get back with me many times, then I told her all of the things she had said to me. He was surprised. When I told him about confronting her and avoiding her, he told me to not fry my brain over one person, he was kinda defensive. I told him she showed no remorse and he asked me how can one show any. I told him she stills brings his name up in front of me, and that if she had any remorse she would atleast avoid the topic, he said that I am being insecure and that most people bring him up as a common topic to talk to me. I felt angry, but he told me he wasn’t defending her but being angry for me, he told me that people are like that, and I shouldn’t expect anything from them and that I mustn’t destroy my peace of mind over her. I asked him to cut the person out of her life and he said that he doesn’t talk to her anyway and that he doesn’t care whether she lives or dies.

    Ik for a fact he doesn’t like her or anything like that, that happened months ago and he still reached out to me through the months and hinted at wanting to be back. I really wanted him to be more angry about this because that person disrespected me so much. I wanted him to hate her too, I know that isn’t possible and also that his reaction is perhaps normal, especially cause he had initiated. He did tried to ease me and tell me that his friends make fun of her and what not.

    But I really have a hard time dealing with thoughts of her at times, for I feel so very angry at her, it’s almost like ocd, I wish something bad would happen to her and I don’t really like thinking this way. I don’t bother my bf with this tho. Anything I can do about it?

    #1041692 Reply

    I couldn’t read the whole thing – too much – but it sounds like she’s a drama queen and likes stirring shit.

    If you trust your boyfriend, then you have nothing to worry about with her. If you don’t, then you deal with your boyfriend first.

    As for her, try to shift your focus from anger to pity. Isn’t it a shame when people value themselves so little that they have to make other people feel insecure? Redirect the conversation when she starts. If she brings it up again you can gently call her out “It must be so tiring for you to care so much about what other people think.”

    #1041714 Reply

    Why are you so worked up about her still, when he says he doesn’t like or care about her? Let it go. Stop looking for reasons to feel disrespected. Focus on things in your life that make you happy and ignore the people that don’t. Be better than that, be above giving a shit what she does or thinks. Don’t let her get to you. Don’t care at all about what she does. Enjoy your bf and move on from petty annoyances.

    Flirting isn’t cheating, it’s flirting. It’s not sex. Why aren’t you mad at your bf for texting or whatever with so many other women? I think you’re displacing your anger on this one person, when you’re really mad at him but it’s easier to blame her.

    #1041740 Reply

    Not really, I’m not mad at him so much, I’m more insecure ig for she made me feel that she is better for him, I had been nothing but kind to her, and yes ik it wasn’t cheating, especially since we weren’t together at that time. And yes I won’t let it get to me!
    Thank you for responding 🙂

    #1041742 Reply

    Thank you very much, the pitying idea seems to be really great, honestly…and very easy to act on!! This helped, thank you : )

    #1041839 Reply

    Honestly? I agree with anonymousse.

    This is all misdirected anger. Your boyfriend is a flirt. And that bothers you. That really bother you a lot. But rather than face or even address this issue with him — you fixate and obsess on the women he flirts with. You blame them — for everything. NEWSFLASH: it’s not THEIR fault your boyfriend is a flirt. It’s your boyfriends!

    #1041983 Reply

    She says her bf flirted with other women when they were broken up. That isn’t a foul. Once you are broken up, there is no obligation on either party.

    #1042166 Reply

    Thank you for noticing lol

    #1042188 Reply

    Well, it’s a mighty significant detail. Your reaction to somebody pointing that out speaks volumes…

    #1042393 Reply

    Near as I can tell, these are her grave sins:
    * Tried to help you through your break-up.
    * Flirted some with your ex.
    * Made awkward jokes.
    * Told your ex to get back with you many times.
    * Asked if something good happened when you were happy.
    * Invited you to her birthday.
    * Told you to get mad if your boyfriend breaks up with you again.

    And all of this amounts to “disrespect” of you? And you’re mad because your boyfriend won’t cut her out of his acquaintance? (He doesn’t even hang out with her?) If you’re eaten up with jealousy OR anger about this, you might want to see a therapist, really.

    #1042675 Reply

    No bruh, it’s just that what can I even sort out with him, he was single, and didn’t hide any details from me, maybe it did bother me, but idrc about the other females he flirted with, also how much can I keep demanding from him.
    It’s not even blame for this individual, but a sense of insecurity on my end maybe.

    #1042701 Reply

    She didn’t make awkward jokes,
    she showed completely different behaviour to him than to me,
    While she was flirting with him behind my back, she told him not to wait for him, cause men are pigs.
    She told him to get back with me,
    While she told me many many times in very underhanded ways that she thinks she is better for him.
    Last year she had told my bf that he made a mistake dating me.
    Once she even told us that there mustn’t be any love between us cause we don’t argue…
    Like tbh, maybe she was just jealous, ngl I’m pretty sure I am making a big deal out of it as well, ofc I don’t negate her right to have feelings, I just wish the situation would have been dealt in a better way. Hearing all of you guys’ comments does help..

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