Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Jealousy? Anger?

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  • #1042720 Reply

    Also thanks everyone for responding, all of you provided very different perspectives here :))
    I agree with bits of all that you say, even some of the behaviour I didn’t notice that I may be carrying out, add some of my first hand experience to it and I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine now, cause this is better than being fixated on one way of viewing this situation. This was an eye opener, thank you all 🙂

    #1043207 Reply

    “Once she even told us that there mustn’t be any love between us cause we don’t argue…”

    SO? I don’t understand at all why this comment would bother you. Really. Why would you give a shit? When you say she EVEN told you that, it’s like you think it’s this terribly offensive statement. It isn’t. At all. And that calls into question your interpretation of all of her other supposed “underhanded” remarks.

    That was the point of my post. She’s just blathering, and you’re super threatened. I’m serious about therapy.

    #1043268 Reply

    Oh man. I don’t miss high school drama.

    I think LW’s friend sounds like she enjoys drama and starting shit. If I had to guess, there’s jealousy and insecurity on both sides here. Some of the friend’s comments are bizarre and unsupportive, but yeah, LW, you do seem to be looking for slights in some of the innocuous comments she’s made. But, you’re never obligated to be friends with anyone, so if you want to let this friendship go, that’s fine.

    And like others have said, your boyfriend is the flirt here. If you’re asking him to stop hanging out with someone else, something’s amiss in the relationship. It doesn’t sound like you trust him and I suspect you’ll soon be learning the hard way that breaking up and getting back together is usually a bad idea.

    Anyway, if you’re having consuming thoughts about bad things happening to a former friend over this situation and struggling with your self confidence, I don’t think speaking to a mental health professional is a bad idea. Life’s a lot better without petty bullshit drama.

    #1043279 Reply

    Yes, you definitely are making a huge deal out of this. I really do think this is misplaced anger and your own insecurities that you have related to him.

    She showed different behavior to him than you. Uh, yeah you are two completely different people. He’s a man for one. Men and women interact differently than two women do. Why is that weird?

    Why are you so threatened by her?

    So you think she was being shady…so remember that, don’t be friends with her or tell her personal information about your relationship and move on. Why was she so involved in your relationship if you didn’t want her to be?

    #1043795 Reply

    I agree. I’m not looking to pile on because I get where you’re coming from. Being insecure sucks. You see shadows and threats and imagine all kinds of crazy scenarios and possibilities of things that might come true. But–it’s not real. You trust your boyfriend. He hasn’t done anything (mentioned here) at least that’s even suspect. He’s been nothing but honest with you. Your…frenemy let’s call here…hasn’t really done anything wrong either.

    I was pathetically insecure as a teenager. I’m better now but I’m only human and sometimes it gets the best of me.

    I think you would be well served to acknowledge your feelings as irrational but real, and accept that this is just a thing that happens in your own head, and nothing more. Because nothing you presented here really strikes me as worth being upset about or fighting over.

    If you have access to a counselor or therapist, it would be good if you are able to try to get this anxiety under control.

    P.S. The idea that couples that don’t fight must not actually love each other is a twisted and toxic idea. There is no correct amount of fighting that occurs. My parents bicker almost daily and are 50 years married. My wife and I fight maybe once a year. Every dynamic is different.

    #1044367 Reply

    You guys are right, the thing is even before the break up, my partner never gave me, a reason to doubt him, it was only during this phase that all of this happened, he also told me that he was using her against me for he knew she liked him..
    Even after we have gotten back he hasn’t given me any reason to doubt him at all, this is my first relationship. I am able to forgive but I visit back old texts and end up creating drama and situation in my head, I go online regularly to seek help. It’s not that I don’t trust him, just that the situation leave me with queasy feelings, earlier it was greater in magnitude, it’s a lot better than before, I am able to trust him more and more and he is a great partner, he was going through a LOT in his life, and despite all of that, while he did get angry at me over creating drama at times, he has spent hours with me trying to make me feel at ease.

    As for her, yes I did think she may be innocent, maybe when she did say things, she was only acting out of jealousy. I asked on other platforms too, she asked me what he gave me for my b’day because she said she liked to know what bfs gift their gfs, people pointed out to me that it seems as if she is keeping a gauge on the relationship, her fondness has also been pointed out to be a convenient way to able to hang out with us, all of this is primarily why I have not wanted contact with her.

    I wish I was more secure as a person, however, these thoughts usually come and go.

    #1044368 Reply

    Thank you everyone and my best wishes to all of you.

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