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Jealousy/insecurity in a relationship – advice needed please

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This topic contains 20 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar ron 4 months ago.

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  • #757088 Reply
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    Alice

    I have an amazing boyfriend, we’ve been together for a little over 2 years now and it has been amazing. We have had our ups and our downs, nobody’s perfet, but all in all our relationship is solid and every day I tell myself how lucky I am to have this man… I almost feel ‘too’ lucky, because the thing is I have low self-esteem and I have been hurt in the past so I have trust issues. It is unfair that he be the one to pay for my exes’ mistakes, but my scars haven’t healed and too often I doubt him, his intentions, his love, etc… when deep down I know this guy is the most caring and loving human being there is. So from time to time I will have little ‘insecurity crisis’ for the dumbest little things/reasons and he will take it like a champ’: he’ll reassure me, love me, hug me, buy me flowers or whatnot until I feel better and until he knows for sur that I have no doubts left for the time being. But another crisis is always around the corner, I have about one or two of these a week :/ He’ll even let me go through his phone or messenger if I feel the need to. He is so sweet and patient and I always end up feeling guilty for having had these doubts in the first place, but sometimes my insecurities just get the better of me and even if I try to fight it it feels overwhelming. my heart starts to pound and I want to cry and then the shitshow starts…

    So now that you have a general idea of how unfairly doubtful and maybe even cruel I can be with this amazing man who deserves my trust at all times, there is a specific story I would like to have your opinion on. This just happened yesterday night. I have a friend who is so beautiful, kind, sweet, funny, smart, well-read,… you get the picture, and who knows how amazing she is and likes to flaunt it. She has talked to me many times about her need to know she has an effect on men, and even sometimes on her women friends. She likes to flirt, though she has a boyfriend and never will act on it. And my boyfriend being the handsome and amazing guy that she is, I know she likes him a lot and yesterday she went a little too far… She came in drenched because she got caught by the rain by surprise on her way to our place, and when I gave her a shirt to change and get dry she purposely took off hers in front of my boyfriend, even though I had just shown her where the bathroom wa. My boyfriend didn’t really pay attention as he was on his phone and usually doesn’t have eyes for anyone but me, so when she noticed he wasn’t looking her way she sat in the chair next to him while closing the buttons of the shirt I had just lent her saying something along the lines of ‘I’m a little bit of an exhibitionnist, don’t mind me. I might even take my bra off !’ My boyfriend took a quick glance, later explaining to me that it was just because he wanted to check if she really had dared to go ‘that far’… he was shocked. All three of us then had diner but she didn’t let me talk, she kept interrupting, making jokes when I got into any serious subject, giving my boyfriend nudges when he made jokes, talking about what books she had just read and how she started having a passion for culture at an early age,… my boyfriend seemed to be very impressed, later telling me how great she was, ‘sweet, smart, beautiful…’ I felt like I didn’t exist. At one point, she said she loved joking about how the jewish value money, to which I responded something like ‘Actually I love their values, which to me are family first and tradition !’ There was an awkward silence. My boyfriend then said I had just sort of ruined the moment, that he and my friend were laughing and kidding around and he asked me why I was being so serious all of a sudden. I felt like I was bothering them, keeping them from having a great time.

    Then at the end of the night she proposed we play ‘Never have I ever’. By that point we had drank three bottles of wine, my boyfriend and my friend both seemed to be in the same playful/cheerful mood. So we played ‘Never have I ever’, and all her questions were so sexual and so were her answers… Like, graphically sexual, as in saying how she loves role play, masturbating in front of a mirror, dirty talk, taking it from behind, etc etc… I could tell she was trying to excite my boyfriend, she was insistant. One of her questions was even : “Would you guys be down for a threesome”. Wtf ? I couldn’t wait for her to leave. By that point I was steaming with jalousy and anger. Keep in mind this is the third time she has seen my boyfriend, and she kept saying : “I love you guys, you two are so amazing I can’t wait to do this again !” When she left, I broke down and told my boyfriend how I had felt all night long. He was so kind but also told me that yes, this girl is out of all of my friends probably the one he prefers, that she is genuinely nice and very interesting, and listing all of her qualities. I felt like shit in comparison to her, he used the adjective ‘radiant’ to talk about her, and kept repeating what an amazing night he had just spent… I wanted to disappear. Today I feel slightly over it because, as always, we have talked about it and he was so reassuring and kind and loving, and this morning he got me breakfast, he tried to make me laugh, he sent me cute texts when he left the appartment… He’s too amazing for me to stay ‘insecure’ for too long, but still I’m so afraid he’s going to start thinking more and more about this girl now… I feel like she is the sun and I am the moon, I feel like she was a breath of fresh air to him, like she is everything I am not : spontaneous, carefree, bubbly, sexy, flirtatious…

    I know this girl loves to flirt all the time, and boy is she good at it, so I’m not angry at her because that is her nature and she didn’t want to do anything to hurt me, but I’m scared this night has ‘planted’ some bad seeds in my boyfriend’s mind. He’s even told me he would love to see her again but since the aftermath was so sour (i.e my jalousy crisis when she left), he won’t accept drinks with her and I anymore so that this sort of situation doesn’t happen again. But now I feel like the ‘vilain’ in the story, keeping my boyfriend and my friend, who clearly truly enjoy each other’s company, from hanging out with each other again, being the jalous/annoying/insecure/overly attached girlfriend which is in complete contrast with how lovely my friend is/was last night,… basically I’m not doing too good. To top it all of, I recieved a message from my friend this morning saying how great our diner was, that she can’t wait to have another diner like this one, and that our game of ‘Never have I ever’ excited her and that when she got home she asked her man about having a threesome/foursome someday…

    I don’t know what to make of this, I showed my boyfriend the message and he just laughed it off but I’m afraid he’ll get ideas now… After she left yesterday I couldn’t even have sex with my boyfriend because with all that had just happened and how charming/seductive my friend had been, I was afraid he would think of her while having sex… Don’t know if I should feel threatened or trust that her ‘amazingness’ and beauty and insistance won’t work on my boyfriend…?

    #757093 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Wow, that’s like at least 7 “amazings,” And neither of these people sound that amazing. Your friend is being a boundary-pushing inappropriate jerk on purpose, your boyfriend should know better than to go on about how beautiful and radiant and amazing she is, and wtf with the anti-Semitic humor? Also, a great, confident guy doesn’t put up with the kind of jealous hissy nonsense you’re doling out twice weekly. He moves on.

    I think you need to call your friend out on her shit, but I also think you shouldn’t be in this relationship because you can’t trust your boyfriend. I think you should be alone and work on your self-esteem.

    #757104 Reply
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    JD

    Here is where you went wrong. The minute she removed her shirt in front of your boyfriend, you remove her from your home. I am truly not a jealous type but I would physically remove her. She clearly has no boundaries. She is not anything great, she is a horrible person. End the friendship.

    Your boyfriend isn’t so great either. He flirted with her in your home, in front of you. A great guy would never do that.

    #757106 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    Break up. Get therapy. Work on yourself and your self esteem before you date again. Then and only then consider dating.

    I won’t even comment on the night in at your house between your friend and boyfriend because honestly… if I had to reassure my insecure girlfriend of my love for her two times a week, well, that wouldn’t happen because that’s insanity.

    #757107 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Yeah. Frankly, you all seem a little out to lunch…

    #757108 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    That was eight A words. I’m embarrassed to say I counted.

    Okay, first of all, you need to see a therapist if you have insane jealousy and anxiety issues. Pretty much everyone has one, if not multiple sob stories of old betrayals. That’s no excuse or reason to behave the way you do in a relationship. Maybe you shouldn’t be in one until you work on yourself.

    Your friend isn’t amazing, she’s a self conceited asshole. No, friends don’t undress and try their hardest to give your bf an erection during DINNER. (That’s how dinner is spelled. Two Ns.)

    Your bf isn’t an AMAZING bf either. Any guy who would say all those things about your friend (regardless of whether he feels that way or not, or she is or not) is not cool! That’s not the behavior of a nice or AMAZING partner.

    And lastly, all the shit that happens that night isn’t your fault, but you did nothing to stop it. If she was really such a great friend of yours, why didn’t you pull her aside and ask her WTF she was thinking? Or ask her to kindly leave?

    No, instead you being the most AMAZING host, friend and doormat offered each person a bottle of wine each and then played Never Have I Ever for extra kicks.

    I mean, when you add all that up, I can certainly see why she thought you might be down for group sex. Because you didn’t voice any displeasure the entire evening. It’s not your fault, but you need to learn to use your voice when you don’t like something. It’s not rude to stop your friend from taking her shirt off in front of your bf. The rules of etiquette are clear on that one. Learn how to be more assertive. Google it. Your friend kind of sucks? And it’s pretty clear why you have so much anxiety in your relationship. Because your bf talks about other women-your friends like that, and flirts with them in front of you to the point where everyone in the room is ready to move into the bedroom.

    My advice, kick both of the anti-Semitic jerks to the curb and aim higher. It’s disturbing and gross that they’d talk that way.

    Ewwwwww.

    #757113 Reply
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    Vathena

    Okay, when you led with “I’m throwing jealous fits and looking through his phone twice a week” I was ready to tell you that you were a little nuts. (Just FTR, that behavior *is not* healthy, though. If you don’t trust someone, then you should not stay in a relationship with them.) But holy crap woman! Your “friend” just straight up sucks, and your boyfriend is not much better. I would be aghast if any of my friends pulled ANY of that shit with my husband. My husband would be so disgusted that he’d probably leave the gathering. No one who respects you or respects your relationship should EVER act that way, ever. And your bf…seriously, calling her “radiant”? No. Is that the way he typically talks about other women? Were you fishing for him to give her compliments and thereby validate your jealousy? Because if it was spontaneous praise from him, and he speaks that way frequently, then he’s at best an insensitive asshat. My guess is this is a codependent relationship in which he actually enjoys your jealous reactions as proof of your feelings. Or something. Perhaps your mistrust of him is not without foundation. I think you should dump them both, and work on your self-esteem in therapy so you don’t let your next boyfriend and “friends” trample all over you.

    #757114 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Random thoughts:

    1) Your boyfriend is not perfect, wonderful and caring. He is an asshole. No one who really cared about you would have raved about how amazing your friend was and how he wanted to spend time with her again, and flirted with her in front of you, especially given your crippling anxiety and insecurity. i cannot imagine any partner I’ve ever had, even the bad ones, doing something like that. It was just plain cruel and it’s not even close to how good men behave. Break up with him, and stop dating for awhile.

    2) Your friend is not amazing, kind, funny or smart. She sounds seriously unstable, in fact. Most importantly, SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND and should have no place in your life. She should have been thrown out of your home the minute she started undressing in front of your boyfriend, and you should never have spoken to her again.

    3) You should make an appointment with a therapist, soon. Yes, you need help with your overwhelming anxiety and insecurity. But you also need help in seeing and understanding what makes a person trustworthy or not. Your boyfriend is flirting with your friend right in front of you and you speak of him in such extremes of praise, like he’s an angel living on earth. You talk about your “friend” like you’re not worthy to be in her presence, and she’s TRYING TO SEDUCE YOUR BOYFRIEND WHILE YOU’RE SITTING RIGHT THERE.

    #757117 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Whenever someone starts with “amazing” I know that there will be some batsh*t stuff in there. Anyway, off to get some of that money that I love so much, just like the naked lady said.

    #757120 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    I second the therapy. Men like confident women. Ifbyour man is so amazing than your jealousy and insecurities wouldnt be so significant. Honestly, he probably is intriged by her out there personality, since she appears to have no self conscious issues. I think your boyfriend should have kept his comments to himself about her. But i think you should also have addressed this issue the moment she took her shirt off in front of your man if you were not okay with that. Also, i think you should text her letting her know that she behavior inapproriatly and felt awkward to confront her at the home. You should tell her that no one has an interest in having a threesome with her and whoever. And once you do this please update us what her response is. I am very curious to know. Get some balls about yourself girl.

    #757121 Reply
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    JD

    Oh and the checking his phone and messages. Why he tolerates this I don’t know but just no. NO. This is not ok. If you have that much insecurity and unfounded jealousy then you are not in a place to date. You need therapy before you should be in a relationship. that is not ok behavior and pretty much no one will tolerate it.

    #757123 Reply
    meadowphoenix
    meadowphoenix
    Participant

    You have crises once or twice a week??? Girl, get it together. Don’t tell yourself you’re helpless here. Get help! Try cognitive behavioral therapy, you clearly need active strategies regarding this.

    Your friend is an asshole. I don’t care if it’s her nature, she shouldn’t be fucking with her friends SOs for shits and giggles unless EVERYONE involved gives the explicit ok.

    It’s super weird that your dude keeps talking about how radiant your friend is. He might be a-ma-zing but I wouldn’t be surprised if he got fed up with your insecurity that he really is amazed that someone has some type of confidence.

    A clingy people pleaser. Whew, what a combo.

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