Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Jealousy issues…

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  • #892471 Reply

    Hello. I’m in a bad place now both mentally and emotionally. The past 2 weeks were kind of dark for me. Something happened and made my mood worse. I am so mad at everyone including myself.
    So, the thing is I am excessively jealous. I really am, though I know I shouldn’t be. My boyfriend is the sweetest ever, loves me and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. But that doesn’t stop me from checking his phone from time to time, unfollowing and unfriending girls from his social media accounts. I have actually stopped from these things as I’ve realised my behaviour is totally wrong and I should trust him entirely.
    Why am I writing this? Well, we are going on a vacation to the seaside with some friends. One of them has invited a girl whom he wants to hook up with… and she’s bringing her sister. And this is the problem. Why? Because they (my bf, his friend and those 2 sisters) met for the first time last year exactly in that place we’re going now and I know for a fact that there was something between my bf and that girl, as he told me a long time ago. I made a huge deal out of this whole situation, because I am afraid my jealousy will eat me entirely after their smallest interaction. One more thing: we actually had a fight about this girl because he liked her pic on Instagram( a revealing one) and he rarely likes someone’s pics on social media, not even his guy friends’. My boyfriend and his friend assured me that those 2 girls are actually nice and I will get along with them as long as I won’t make a scene over something stupid.
    My jealousy is ruining my relationship and self esteem so bad, I don’t know what to do. I always look at my mom, whom my dad has cheated many many times with different women and with one woman who had been his GF for almost 6 years. I’ve seen all the suffering and damage she’s been through those times and the last thing I want is become as broken as she is. I’m afraid he will find someone better than me, even if he always tells me I’m the love of his life.
    Now I’m asking you, guys, how do I stop these thoughts? How do I stop letting these things affect me so much? I’ve tried reading things on the internet, watching videos, talking to my close friends… After each of these measures I still can’t manage to be calm when something happens. I get angry everytime I think he might find someonelse more attractive or overall better than me. I wish I wasn’t so imature, so childish. This is my first serious relationship and never before had I imagined that I would be this kind of jealous, possessive and controlling girlfriend.
    I don’t want to lose him. Ever. But I have no self control and my heart trembles everytime something so small happens.

    #892495 Reply

    Therapy. Now. If you don’t get help for this, you might as well break up with your boyfriend today, because he’s going to break up with you if you keep this up.

    But most importantly, your issues are preventing you from enjoying your relationship. You’re getting nothing good from what could be a nice thing with a nice guy, because you’re living in fear.

    #892496 Reply


    #892506 Reply

    Yes, therapy, stat.

    #892511 Reply

    Therapy. Not only do you need to learn real coping mechanisms so you don’t let jealousy ruin this relationship, you also need to figure out how to pick up on when there really is an issue or red flag (in this or future relationships). Meaning, if something really is off, you need to be able to trust yourself to recognize it and not just tell yourself, oh, I have jealousy issues. Sometimes a guy WILL be up to something sketchy. But right now it sounds like you’re in a good relationship with a decent guy, and you need to get help with your issues before it’s too late. Nothing else has worked, so you need 1:1 help from a professional.

    Edit: Oh, I just realized you wrote another post about this guy. You should still move out and have this just be a dating thing, not a cohabitation thing, but do get therapy as well. This is super unhealthy.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by avatarKate.
    #892513 Reply

    You have to go to therapy. You have a lot to unpack and you won’t be capable of a healthy relationship till you do so

    #892518 Reply

    You know, regarding your question on the other thread, part of the problem could be that he feels, idk, smothered. He’s a really young guy who’s got a relatively new girlfriend living with him, maybe before he was really ready for that, and you’re going through his phone and socials and you’re fighting with him and being highly insecure and controlling. That would be a turnoff. Neither of you should be living with each other under these circumstances.

    #892525 Reply

    I agree that you need therapy. It’s really important to be able to trust the person you’re with. You don’t have to repeat your mother’s mistakes. You don’t have to give in to the voice that’s telling you he’s up to no good.

    However, in light of your other posts, you also need to move out and take a step or multiple steps back. This is a relationship that doesn’t even make you feel good. He has completely different sexual needs. It seems like you’re very focused on making something work that isn’t.

    #892529 Reply

    Oh, this is the woman whose BF just lost his dad?

    You need to move out and then get therapy, right away. You’re feeling so messed up because you’re not healthy enough right now to be in a relationship. When you’re this upset and confused and frightened, you just can’t be a good partner in a relationship. It’s impossible.

    You need to get yourself well, and thinking clearly, before you can make anything work. Not just with this guy, but with any guy.

    #892543 Reply

    Also: if you’re worried that he’ll break up with you if you want to move out and slow things down, don’t be. My guess is that he’ll be relieved. You both moved way too fast by moving in together so soon, and you’re both in way over your heads with his relationship. Way too much, way too soon. He’s dealing with school pressure and massive grief and a new relationship with someone he lives with. You’re dealing with crippling insecurity, jealousy and body image issues, and a new relationship with someone you live with. You both need to take the pressure off.

    And if by chance he does dump you because you need to slow down, he’s the wrong guy for you, and the relationship would have ended anyway.

    #894248 Reply

    This may be totally off-base, and if it is, I apologize, but have you ever read the signs and symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder? The way you write about knowing that these thoughts are wrong and off-base but you cannot stop made me think of this. From WebMD:
    People with OCD have thoughts or actions that:

    -Take up at least an hour a day
    -Are beyond your control
    -Aren’t enjoyable
    -Interfere with work, your social life, or another part of life

    One of the most common intrusive thoughts is “Suspicion that a partner is unfaithful, with no reason to believe it”

    You can read more at:

    If this sounds like you, medication can make it stop instantly. I have OCD which manifests in unwanted and intrusive thoughts and Viibryd made it go away within an hour of my taking the first pill.

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