Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Just found out my girlfriend of 3 years was a prostitute during our relationship

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  • This topic has 7 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by avatarOracle.
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  • #1009615 Reply
    avatarDean
    Guest

    Hi everyone, so this is quite a shocking story but im just lost and dont know where to go from here.

    I’ve been with my partner for nearly 4 years, 2 and a half years in i found out she was weirdly close to this 70 year old man… I got quite jealous but she insisted he was just a friend and she felt sorry for him.

    as time went on i eventually asked her to stop speaking to him because it felt quite uncomfortable, after many arguments and her making out i was paranoid and i even took on counselling sessions and started antidepressants as even in convinced myself i was overly paranoid and obsessing…

    So eventually she promised to stop talking to him and blocked his number however a month or so later i found out she was secretly ringing him at work when i confronted her about it with the intention of ending the relationship she said she was in fear of her life and she had to speak to him or he would harm her family…. She then went on to tell me he forced him to do sexual things to him over the 6 year period they knew each other…

    She has not spoke to this man for over a year now however one day recently i decided to confirm this and speak to him myself, I have now confronted this man to get the truth myself and he’s shown me all the evidence and explained to me that they had an agreement… She would perform sexual acts on him in return for him giving her money, he bought her a car and a brand new phone for example (she told me she saved for these things) and even had videos of her to prove she “willingly” did these things… She has since admitted this and admitted this went on during the first 2 years of our relationship……..

    At this point i would end the relationship and move on with my life as that is the most unforgivable betrayal someone could do to someone they love.

    However….. Before finding this out we have moved into our own house, i have proposed to this woman and recently found out we are expecting a baby………………. I dont know what to do…… I’m lost. She says she regrets the first two years of our relationship and the entire relationship with this man and is begging me to give her the chance to prove she just wants to be happy and she wants to move forward, She apologises to me atleast 30 times a day. I dont know what to do.

    #1009617 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    The problem here is you’re never going to trust her. You apparently had moved in with her, proposed to her, and conceived a child with her, without trusting her, as evidenced by you reaching out to the other man just recently.

    So you want to leave the relationship because you feel the betrayal was too big. You don’t trust your fiancée, and because trust is one of the main pillars of a relationship, what’s going to happen is this relationship will collapse completely sooner or later.

    I think your choices are, 1) just end it, give her a deadline to move out, and prepare to financially support the baby if it’s yours. You’ll need to co-parent with her, so she’ll be in your life, but you could still move on from this relationship that lacks trust and has harmed your mental health.

    Actually, that’s really your only choice. The other one would be to go to counseling together and do the work to build trust, but… You never had it. Your whole relationship was built on a lie. Seems unlikely you could get to a place of trust.

    One thing though, how old is your girlfriend. Sounds like she got involved with this guy 7 years ago. Was she underage or in desperate circumstances? Was their relationship abusive? If so, would that change anything for you / make it easier to build trust (with the help of a professional)? Or are you just never going to be ok with what she did no matter what?

    Anyway, you should really just end it. If she’s a woman whose whole thing is getting men to take care of her financially, she’ll be okay.

    #1009620 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    Given her track record and her total lack of credibility, I would double check:
    – that she is indeed pregnant
    – that you are the father.
    Get that know for sure, with a DNA test, through a lawyer. If she is indeed pregnant with your baby, and if the pregnancy reaches its term (again, not certain, 1/4 of pregnancies do avort spontanously), you will have to support her and the baby, and request custody (part-time?) or at least visits, according to what you are able to do with the child.
    I would definitely leave. This woman is bad news, venal and a liar.
    End the relationship and tell her that the trust is dead. Tell her that you will own your duty as a father and be a father for this child, once you have the DNA proof that it is from you.
    Then leave.
    If you don’t, well, you have the self-esteem of a doormat.

    #1009622 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    A lot of people throw around the word “gaslighting” without ever really understanding what it means. Well, this situation is textbook gaslighting. When you have 100% accurate intuition about your partner’s dishonesty (be it financial, sexual, whatever), but your partner manipulates you into doubting yourself, telling you you’re crazy, THAT is gaslighting. Dude, you took pills to try to accommodate her dishonesty!! Think about that — you altered your brain chemistry so that she could continue to lie.

    You should never trust this person again, ever. She didn’t just lie once, this was a years-long campaign of lies.

    I would want absolute proof that she is pregnant and that the child is yours. Unfortunately, you are going to have to get that information while having as little contact with her as possible. You cannot negotiate or have any kind of ongoing discussions with a manipulative liar. You will come away from every interaction doubting yourself more. GET A SUPPORTIVE TEAM — friends, family, a therapist.

    To me, it makes no difference what her age was or is. She lied, over and over and over, and was just fine with ACCUSING you. It’s called DARVO. Google it and protect yourself. You may need a lawyer.

    #1009623 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, definitely ask for proof she’s really pregnant. You’re justified in asking that because she’s lied to you so much. You say you recently found this out… was this before or after you called the guy and confronted her with the truth? You said she apologizes 30x a day. Well yeah, she doesn’t want to lose her home and the security of your relationship. It’s certainly possible she’d fake a pregnancy to buy time. Have her take a test in front of you or show you a doctor’s test result.

    #1009624 Reply
    avatarKarebear1813
    Participant

    That 70 yr old man was, and maybe still is, her sugar daddy. Good for him to show proof of her willingly engaging in sexual activity to cover his ass. She not only has lied to you but is now making allegations of serious crimes against the old man. I hope you told this man what she has told you so he has a chance to distance himself from this crazy.


    @FYI
    is 100% correct that you are the poster child for being Gaslighted. If ever a perfect example exist, this is it! And I love the fact that @FYI pointed out that you had chemically altered your brain because your fiancés manipulated you so much that she made you believe it was YOU. Honestly, your fiancés could quite questionably be a Sociopath.

    If you bought a house together, meaning its in both of your names, go talk to a lawyer. Get your name off the mortgage. If it is in your name then if I was you I’d offer to move her out and pay her rent for the first month or something just to get her out of the home. Do confirm she is pregnant, by medical records, I wouldn’t trust an at home pregnancy’s test, and yes a DNA test.

    If it is your child, talk to an attorney and do step up and parent your child. But end the relationship with her.

    #1009627 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    End things. Immediately.

    If the child exists and if the child is yours —- sue for custody. Enlist the 70 year old man if you have to… NEWSFLASH: she’s not gonna magically become some great mother. No way. No day.

    Of course the REAL solution here is an abortion. Frankly —- yeah. I’d kinda sorta push for that. Offer her money. She’ll take it.

    #1009628 Reply
    avatarOracle
    Guest

    See a lawyer. Personally I would move out and only have contact with her through the lawyer. I doubt the child is yours even if she is really pregnant. This is not mother material.

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