I would try to get a little more information about why.If they’re bullying him or something I guess maybe make an exception, but generally I would lean strongly towards inviting them. I think that it’s really hard for kids to get excluded like that. SoF’s* previous school had a rule that if you’re inviting more than half the class, you have to invite the whole class. I agree don’t make your kid socialize one on one with people he doesn’t like, but there are going to be a bunch of other kids there.

*Spawn of Fyodor

There is a lot of push (in particular for girls, though obviously that’s not the case here) to force kids to put aside their personal feelings for the sake of being “nice”, which I really don’t agree with. But Wendy makes a really good point that it would be a good idea to root out more information about why he doesn’t want to invite them. So I rescind my initial “just don’t invite them” judgement in favor of getting more information.

Thank you all so much for the input! I had a talk with him on the way to school this morning.
One of the kids he says can get angry, and that’s why he doesn’t want to invite him. I have seen this kid have a few timeouts at soccer practice before. One time he tried to run away and his dad had to chase him down. He’s also new to the school, so it feels extra rude to me to not invite him.
The second kid he doesn’t want to invite because they have the same name, and he thinks it would be confusing to have 2 kids with the same name. I feel like there has to be something else, because that doesn’t seem like a very good reason.

I have kids who have been on both sides of this. We’ve never regretted including the kids we were “iffy” about, and we also don’t forget someone who excluded our kid even 10-15 years later when you barely remember the other child’s name. A small party, fine, of COURSE you don’t have to invite them. But don’t leave one or two out. Just…don’t.

It was after a few birthday parties that one of mine decided he didn’t like some of his friends, in part because he felt they’d been unkind with invitations to others. I don’t tell my kids who to be (or not to be) friends with, but when they pick things up on their own, well, it says something. Kids can be horrible (middle school — shudder), but don’t ever think they’re stupid.

I don’t have kids, so feel free to take that into consideration, but I’d invite the two, especially after reading your update. I grew up moving a lot and it was hard to be the new kid. Adjusting was hard and while I never had behavioral issues, I was shy, quiet, and I’m sure sometimes very very awkward. I can remember a few times (in middle school specifically) when I was still trying to find where I fit in and knowing I’d been left out.

The running away is also an autism hallmark, fyi. Not saying that’s what it is for sure, of course, but this could be another opportunity to discuss how anger and meltdowns could be a sign of feeling overwhelmed and a good teammate gives support when possible.