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Dear Wendy

Kind of boyfriend and best friend

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  • This topic has 7 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by Lucidity.
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  • #1069015 Reply
    Ioanna
    Guest

    So I have a best friend of 4-5 years and we pretty much share everything at least I thought we did, I tell her everything she likes to be more private about some stuff like sex life or family and I’m okay with that but I expect her to tell me at least the most important of them like I do. A Little background story a while ago my bsf was hanging out with two other girls and constantly brought them everywhere even tho I did not like it and so she went with them on a 3 day road trip where her current crush and ex were, that crush wasn’t so important to her tho, and so on that trip she fucked with the guy that she had a crush on but did not tell us because she didn’t wanna give us details she wanted to forget the whole thing so she chose to not tell us instead of just telling us the fact that she even went out with him.WE WERE (me and the other girl cause we are a trio) HER BEST FRIENDS and still the other girls got to know because they were there and we did not.betraying.dissapointing.. Mind you we live in the same city with that boy so we saw him around much we knew him blah blah. Now as I said she did NOT tell us what she did with him, a year and pass by and I meet the guy that my best friend had a supposing crush on which as I said earlier was really nothing (at least I thought before I found out what happened in that trip) and so he asks for my social etc I go home I tell my best friend she says that’s great and I’m like “I know you kind of had a silly crush on him back then are you okay with that? Because I’m gonna meet with him “and sheshes like sure sure go. Fast forward later we are dating but not officially we are just in a situation ship, 3 to 4 months in my best friend tells me what happened between them. I’m shocked, I feel betrayed, I feel like shit firstly because my best friend kept this whole secret from me for so long and thought she could not trust me with it and secondly because I’m practically dating my bsfs ex😲. Thinks start to be weird I am extremely jealous I don’t wanna drop him cause I’m in love, my bestie insist that everything is okay but I still fell horrible and betrayed ans she didn’t even let me mention it to him so we can’t talk about it. A month pass by and him and I fell apart. I had a hard time getting over it but I did and now 3 months later he is back. But the thing is I can’t seem to be able to move past my bsfs lie, I have so much anger that I never got to let out because I handled it very calmly with her unlike I do other times and she thanked me for that. But my question is :am I being too dramatic about it? Is it normal to hold grudges? I wanna scream to both of their faces that what they did is not okay with me especially since none of them told me when they should have is that normal? I wanna erase it like it did not happen between them but I can’t do that, and then I also remember that it’s my bsfs ex and she has a right on him too but in my logic she does not have it, he is mine I don’t want her to have anything to do with him, I don’t want their past to exist, I’m being obsessive and I don’t know what to do. I’m jealous of her because I’m afraid she’s the one that he ever really wanted and he thinks about her when I’m with him. Help me

    #1069029 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    Get over yourself. She didn’t need to tell you that she slept with this guy. She made clear, when you wanted to date him that she had no claim. So your bf had previously slept with your best friend prior to you and he getting together. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. But it sounds like you obsessed and let it ruin your relationship with him. And no, she doesn’t have a right on him, too. They were very briefly together once, more like one-time fwb and then they were totally separated.
    Btw. your letter was damned near unreadable, so some of my interpretation of your facts may be wrong, In answer to your question: is that normal. No, your behavior does not seem normal.

    #1069150 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    I’m sorry, but you sound like a real jerk here. That’s the beauty of writing in to a place like this. People can give it to you straight, because we don’t know you.

    You are way, way, waaaaaayyy out of line, all the way through:

    1. She doesn’t owe you shit. If she doesn’t want to talk about something — no matter how close you are — that is her right.
    2. You act like she’s not allowed to have other friends!? That’s weird.
    3. She is allowed to have a private sex life.
    4. You are completely full of crap when you say that you had a situation-ship with this guy, and that you weren’t even really dating, BUT that you were in love. Come ON. Have some standards, for chrissakes. If you want a relationship with a guy, then have the balls to say that — in your out-loud voice.
    5. She never “betrayed” you or “lied” to you. Not once. Ever.
    6. She flat-out TOLD you she was cool with it, and you don’t believe her, because YOU feel insecure. Don’t put that on HER. Not cool at all. Take people at their fucking word.
    7. Of course she doesn’t want you talking to him about it, BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT. She doesn’t want you stirring up drama in her life because of your own insecurity.

    You have to get your shit in a basket. You can’t fling your insecurities all over everyone around you and expect to have successful friendships or relationships. Get it together. Seriously.

    #1069190 Reply
    Bittergaymark
    Guest

    Ugh. Do the world a real favor. Stay single. And friendless.

    #1069314 Reply
    bloodymediocrity
    Participant

    To answer your question directly: yes, you are being dramatic.

    The “crime” in question here is your friend slept with a guy and didn’t tell you about it right away. That’s…I mean, that’s a nothing. She’s not under any obligation to tell you who she sleeps with. That’s not a requirement of friendship.

    Meanwhile, as for your person-you-are-in-a-situationship-with, what did he do wrong? He slept with your friend once before you were even “dating”. You’re not even dating now, you’re in no place to be mad about this either.

    If this is stressing you out, it seems to me you’re not getting what you need from either of these relationships, and could benefit from some therapy to figure out why any of this is bothering you.

    #1069805 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    FYI calls it correctly. Your friend owes you her friendship on her terms. She is allowed to have boundaries.

    If you can’t be a good friend because you think friendship means having no boundaries – whoo, that is going to make the rest of your life very very challenging.

    #1069898 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I mean, you have a right to feel however you feel, but I would recommend you try very hard to change your internal narrative on this one. The fact is that nobody owes you information about their hookups or anything that doesn’t concern you directly. Which this did not, as it (whatever “it” is) happened before you were in the picture with this guy. No one owes you a hookup history on a guy you’re casually dating either. You definitely do not need to know anything about your partner’s past unless it impacts precautions you would or wouldn’t take. I’m not even sure what information that would be.

    Look, you had something casual going on with this guy, and your friend gave you a courtesy of mentioning to you, *before you got exclusive with him*, that she had some sort of hookup with him in the past. Neither of them appears to have behaved inappropriately here, yet you are bent out of shape because you want exclusive rights to your friend’s former crush. That isn’t reasonable. Really do whatever you can do to let this go.

    #1070424 Reply
    Lucidity
    Guest

    It sounds like you’re upset over your “situationship” (?) ending, and are displacing the anger/distress you’re feeling over that onto your feelings about this friend. It’s not her fault things didn’t work out with him.

    “…I expect her to tell me at least the most important of (sex life or family) like I do.”

    Stop expecting that. You’re not entitled to that information, and demanding it or getting angry with friends when they don’t share it is a really quick way to lose a friendship.

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