Lack of Boundaries Between Boyfriend and His Soon-to-Be Ex
- This topic has 21 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 11 months, 2 weeks ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I’ve been dating a man for almost 2 months. We see each other about 4x/week. He said he wants a relationship, but I’m not sure sure. His wife moved out 2+ years ago and they have begun the divorce process. However, it seems like that is all that has changed. Their sons, 16 and 18, do not go to her place; she comes to theirs. Almost every week night, she comes over after to school to spend time with them boys. He cooks dinner and they eat as a family. On holidays, he goes to her family’s. For Easter, he brought the ham. All of their bills, passwords, and online accounts are still shared. When they go to an event for their children, they don’t meet there, they ride together. He doesn’t think twice about them going out together to the movies, etc. She just bought new floats for the pool to use at his house this summer. On the weekend, she texts him first thing in the morning to find out the plans for day. He has not told her or their boys that he is dating. The people at work know he is dating, but he does not refer to me by name.
I know divorce/separation look differently for everyone, but am AITA for thinking there needs to be more boundaries here? Is there any hope that what he and I have could evolve into a healthy relationship or do I just need to cut my losses?
They sound like they are happily coparenting and that things are going well. I think you are out of bounds for expecting him to change the way his family works. They’re happy. The kids are happy. If anything, speak to him about what about this exactly that makes you unhappy.
Tell him you want her to know you’re dating etc. or that you want to be there having dinner with them, or meet his friends, or have his coworkers know your name. ALTHOUGH I’d also beg you to consider that in the grand scheme of things-2 months is not much time invested, so I am not surprised coworkers don’t know you’re name, or he hasn’t told his ex about you yet, maybe he’s still feeling you out? You’re also considering cutting your losses so soon, so can you see why he’s maybe not integrated you so much? You’re just getting to know each other.
In short, yes-I think two months is too soon to start dictating what his relationship with his not yet ex wife is like, or what they’re coparenting relationship should look like.
I agree with @Anonymousse. You haven’t even been dating for two months. So yes, I do think you’re the asshole to expect him to change family dynamics that seem to be working for them. At this point in the dating game, I think you should be walking away if it’s not working for you rather than demanding he set boundaries to accommodate your discomfort.
Also, are you sure they’re divorcing? I need more than one hand to count the number of friends and acqutaintances who have inadvertently ended up out on dates with men who were married but holding themselves out as single, divorced, or divorcing. One friend even dated a guy for ~four months before she found out he was still married. The guy said he was a widower when in fact his wife was alive and well and they still lived together.
Seriously, so many women write in about their “soon to be divorcing” bf.
Maybe you should check back in when he’s actually divorced.
It could develop into a relationship. You are pushing very hard for dating less than two months. Certainly too soon to meet his kids. Not at all clear why you’d expect him to discuss his dating situation with his coworkers. Why would he tell them your name? Also, too soon to tell his wife about you. They aren’t even divorced yet, are co-parenting, and if she goes off when told the news, it can seriously impact the kids. He’s not sure where the relationship with you is going and at less than two months, you shouldn’t be sure either. Most dating relationships end fairly quickly. He has a lot on his plate now. If you’re dating 4x a week, his family almost certainly knows he’s dating.
Next Saturday will be two months and I am planning on ending it then considering he has made zero changes to make room for me in his life. His oldest is graduating this year. I think at 16 and 18, especially a high school graduate, the boys are old enough to facilitate a relationship with their mom on their own.
When my ex and I separated 12 years ago, sharing holidays and nightly family meals ceased even though our kids were 3, 5, and 7. He and I get along extremely well. When people see us at parent teacher conferences and the kids’ activities, they don’t realize we’re even divorced, but I don’t go to his parents’ for Christmas and I don’t text him on Saturday morning to see what the plan for the day is. Our lives are separate except for the kids. It just seems like if she wanted a divorce then after two and half years she wouldn’t want to be there every day still.
Well, you said yourself that divorce/separation looks different for everyone, which is something I’d very much agree with. It doesn’t sound like their chosen dynamic is to help the kids facilitate the relationship with their mom; it sounds like this works for them right now and IMO doesn’t seem likely to change before the kids are out of the house. Regardless, if you’re not getting what you want or don’t think this is the right dynamic for you, I think moving on sounds like the right call.
It just seems odd to me that he would want to cook dinner every night for the woman that left him after 20 years. The “kids” are 16 and 18, old enough to understand that when parents divorce, you don’t go to Florida for 10 days together for spring break or eat dinner together every night. If they were 6 and 8, I would be much more understanding about them spending time together to ease the transition for them, but after two and half years for their lives to still need so intertwined, it makes me feel like the side chick. Even if you don’t think two months is a long time, wouldn’t you have maybe cooked a meal for the person you’re dating by that point instead of making plans for after the dinner you share with your wife and kids?
I agree that it’s odd that two people are actively getting divorced and also spending this much time together. It makes me think maybe they aren’t getting a divorce and maybe they actually live together. Could he be lying to you? How much time do you spend at his place?
“Even if you don’t think two months is a long time, wouldn’t you have maybe cooked a meal for the person you’re dating by that point instead of making plans for after the dinner you share with your wife and kids?”
Absolutely, yes. Even if he’s not lying and you’re not the side chick, yes, you’re correct that most people in a new relationship would be regularly having dinner together. So the fact that he’s not making time to cook meals with you, ever, is probably a sign he’s not that invested in the relationship.
This sounds like something to walk away from and be like, give me a call when you’re divorced and ready to date.
If you don’t like it, you can choose not to date him. What you don’t get to do is dictate how he and his ex handle their post-separation/divorce arrangement. It doesn’t matter if others think it’s weird.
I mean, you could tell him you’d like to have dinner with him. Gage his interest in that and if he’s willing, he might be worth dating. I’d not, I’d prob cut my losses and date someone else.
And I mean, sure, this sounds like um very diligent co-parenting, but it does not at all sound like this guy is actually ready to date. Dating and being open to a relationship does not look like having sex on weeknights after you cook dinner for your wife.
I wouldn’t like dating someone who had this kind of relationship with his ex to the point of doing everything together except sharing a roof. I don’t want to deal with all that. But I wouldn’t ask or expect or want someone who had that kind of relationship with an ex to change it for my benefit. I’d just accept that our lifestyles aren’t a match and I’d move on. This shouldn’t be hard to do after dating for only two months. In that time, maybe you’ve enjoyed his company and you like him a lot but you’ve also learned that you are not a match. He can’t meet your needs.
