Lack of Boundaries Between Boyfriend and His Soon-to-Be Ex
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Yes, I do think it’s weird and I don’t think this is something they’re doing for the kids. That’s why I asked in my first response if you’re sure he’s divorcing. My parents are an example of a couple that are divorced and living together and while it’s unhealthy, their relationship is not romantic. One of my cousins is married to a woman who was previously married to someone else. The first time she and her now-ex filed for divorce, they ended up not going through with the divorce because they wanted to see if they could work through their issues. They couldn’t, and a year or so later, filed for divorce again. I once dated a divorcing guy and while I know he and his wife were done and living separately, it still turned into a clusterfuck. And like I said in my first comment, it’s not unheard of at all for married men to say they’re divorcing or divorced when they’re very much not. All this to say, I think people are messy out there. It’s okay if this arrangement doesn’t work for you. It wouldn’t work for many, I’m sure, and better to get out early before you sink more time into this.
ETA: My immediate thought when I read about their arrangement was Gwenyth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s conscious uncoupling. I remember reading an article when that was going on about how they did holidays together for their kids and continued doing so with their new partners.
How do you see him four times a week and not have had dinner together? Yes, I’d assume you’re a side chick.
Oh, I definitely wouldn’t be ok with most of this. And I’m not entirely sure they’re getting divorced.
But, like I said, I wouldn’t try to change his arrangement. I’d call it quits and find someone that met my needs.
I’ve been careful not to dictate or demand change, but have expressed my feelings. I thought it was only fair to let him know what was bothering me before ending it. He said, and I think it makes sense, that he hasn’t had a reason to change anything before now. Honestly, from what he tells me anyway, he prefers to avoid conflict with her and she had decided that this is the way it’s going to be. If he’s content to continue as is, then that’s that and I wish him well. He’ll make changes if/when he’s ready or when the right person comes along.
We get together after dinner. We take walks, go to bar trivia, or he comes over to my house. If I go over there, he makes sure the coast is clear, then smuggles me into the bedroom when I get there. We’ve gone out to dinner on a few Saturday nights. Yep, that’s exactly how I feel! I’m the side chick. I guess I was just wondering how long I should wait to see if things changed, give him a chance to gradually make a little more room in his life for me if he genuinely wants to move on and start a relationship.
Supposedly, they were waiting until their 16 year old graduated in 2025 to divorce, but then she contacted a lawyer and started the divorce process about 6 weeks ago. I’ve been over there a few times, so I’m pretty sure she doesn’t live there (no clothes in the closet, the kids saw my car in the driveway, etc.) He seems to think things will change once it’s final, but I highly doubt she’ll do a complete 180 just because of some paperwork. I try to avoid recently divorced men on dating sites, but when he said they had been separated for 2 1/2 years, I thought it would be fine. Two weeks later, they’re loaded up in their Yukon driving to Florida for Spring Break. At 47, I feel like a couple of months is long enough to decide if a relationship has potential. He says all the right things when we talk about it, but, apparently, isn’t ready to start pulling away from her and set some boundaries. I really like him or I would have walked away sooner.
@Copa I also thought about situations similar to Gwyneth’s and those where people think it’s better for their marriage to live apart. Right now, I feel like I’m in an ENM relationship without my knowledge or consent.
He makes sure “the coast is clear” before “smuggling” you into his apartment?
Yes, this is ridiculous at his age. I’m surprised you’ve gone along with this arrangement for so long. I honestly thought you were a lot younger and inexperienced and that’s why you’d hung around for two months. If it’s not a good fit right in the beginning, you should probably assume things won’t change. He can blame it all on his wife and not wanting to rock the boat, but that’s his choice, too. She could be saying the same hung to her friends. All you know is what he tells you, and that might not be the truth.
OK. When I read your first post, I misunderstood. I thought they’d filed for divorce two years ago and it was taking a long time as some divorces can. That’s why I brought up my cousin’s wife, because she literally got a year into the legal process of divorce with her now-ex husband before they decided they decided to give their marriage another try. But really the man you’ve been seeing and his wife have been separated, though moreso doing the “living apart together” thing. Neither one seems ready or even eager to let go and move on. It sounds like you met him right around when divorce papers would’ve been sprung onto him. I’ve never been divorced, but it doesn’t sound like either has had much of a chance to be apart, grieve, process, and start healing and moving forward despite the separate living spaces. The only experience I have dating a divorcing guy was one who was still very much unhealed and turned out to be a hurt person who hurt people — I was in my 20s so it was kinda traumatizing — so I’d avoid a situation like the one you’re in like the plague.
I agree that this situation seems ripe for someone to get hurt and that person is probably you.
