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LDR boyfreind needed space after his dad had a major accident

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  • #926934 Reply
    avatarSusan
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    Hi ,

    Iv been in a LDR for the last 1.5 years . We got to together whilst living abroad and he returned home before i did , we spent 5 months as long distance before i returned home. On the way we went away for 2 weeks on holiday. As soon as i returned i met all his family and stayed in his home town. We both live in thr UK but a plane journey away. COVID-19 then happened and we become long distance again , a month or so ago his dad had a major accident and has become paralysed for the momemt. Prior to this we were having a few problems with the distance like anyone would but when we were together it was absolutely fine and we were normal around eavh other as any couple would be who has been dating for over a year. when the accident happened i got on the first plane possible to go and support him at this crazy time , i spent a few days there and then returned home. I had previously booked flights and was going to be going back in two weeks to visit for a week. It was easier for me to visit as i wasnt working and could afford to spend the time there. Before i next went up he went cold on me and said he just didnt have the energy to put into this LDR and that i would be essentially a stress on him being there whilst this was going on and he had work etc. I tried to assure him i wouldnt be .. he knows what im like i can get on and do my own thing happily. It spiralled into a massive argument and he said he just needed space to do him and away from this arguments over what we were or what we were going to do. He knows full well im happy to move to where he lives and that i woudlnt abandon him at his time of need for someone. I dont currently have a job and i think that is really bothering him as he thinks that my main focus is our relationship and that i need to have my own stuff going on , this isnt true my main focus is getting a job. When i ask him if we are over he constanly says i dont know or hes not sure . he once said if i need a definative answer then thats what it is… but followed it up by more i dont know i just ened to sort my head out. I completely understand the stress is he under at the moment but i cant understand why he wouldnt want his GF there to support him , he says he needs someone who can just pop round for 30 mins int he evening to support him but i can be that person. How long do i give him space for or how else should i tackle this. I fucked up and did the whoel contacting when he asked for space at the beguinning becuase i couldnt see how he could just end this without so much as a phone call and not expect me to feel sad and upset by it. Iv given him space now and we havnt been speaking for 3/4 days. How long should i leave it , should i check in im worried about him ? should i leave him to reach out to me ?

    #926974 Reply
    avatarPeggy
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    Hi Susan. So,you are/were in a LDR and had a few issues and problems. Then his Dad got seriously injured in a life changing way. Your BF is supporting and helping his Dad and also likely realizing that “anything can happen” and maybe re evaluating his own life and priorities.
    I am sorry, but he has no time and energy for you right now -in fact he as much as told you that your offer of support and comfort in person, is just a drain for him. He wants to drop the ball on your relationship. I would send one more brief message to tell him you understand his position and wish him and his father well. Then,and it may not be easy-you have little choice but to move on. If he saw a future with you,no matter his focus and stress at the moment,I believe he would have wanted you to be there with him.

    #927389 Reply
    avatarFYI
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    Nooooo, do not send “one more message.” Do not, do not, do not.

    Listen to yourself. His dad has been paralyzed, and you’re making it about you! Holy smokes! You’re asking for reassurance from someone who is in crisis! Demanding that you be the one to help someone is never helpful. It’s obvious that strings are attached to it — in your case, you only want to do that to cement your relationship. Otherwise (if you were secure) it wouldn’t bother you to give him the space he’s asking for.

    Give him all the space he wants, and show yourself that you’re not making this guy your whole universe. Put all that energy into looking for a job.

    #927536 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    I think you need to consider yourself broken up and take steps to move on. He flat out told you if you needed an answer then you were broken up. I know it’s tempting to pretzel yourself to try to be what he says he wants or to cling to the “I don’t know”, but the simple fact is a guy who wants to be with you will be with you, period. The waffling sounds like someone who feels too guilty and bad to outright tell you it’s over so he’s hoping you’ll just get the hint.

    It’s clear that his time and energy needs to be spent on his family right now. Go full no contact, block him on social media, and do the things you normally would to heal from a breakup.

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