Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Long Distance Possibly Getting Longer?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Long Distance Possibly Getting Longer?

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
  • Author
  • #840933 Reply

    Hi Wendy,
    My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship pretty much the entire time we’ve been together. He is in the UK and I am in the Midwest US. Both of us are getting ready to graduate college and we have spoken in the past on how important it is to us to end up somehow being together. As of now, it has been difficult for either of us to find jobs in the other’s country, so we have been looking to get stable in a career in our own countries before one (or both) of us makes “the big move”. I currently have 2 job offers, one in Boston, and one in LA. I have been pushing for Boston because the job sounded great, and its location would be much closer to him than where I am now. However, I recently went out to visit the office and realized the job was not entirely what I expected. In fact, the job I have an offer from in LA is exactly what I want to do and it would be an amazing career opportunity (multiple locations around the US, Canada, and Australia as well). The only problem is that my boyfriend is extremely disapproving of me going out there because of the fact I am moving even farther away, and he does not want to chase me. He currently does not have any job offers, so he’s considering grad school in America wherever I am located. He’s afraid LA is much too far from his family and friends, and it would be so much more of an adjustment than if I were in Boston.

    I’m extremely torn at this point because if I move to Boston, I’ll be working in a job I dont 100% enjoy, but I’ll be closer to him and be able to see him on long weekends/holidays. Or I could be in LA at a job I love, but be farther away from him, making it difficult to see each other, and speak day to day. We both see a future together, but I am the kind of person to put extreme value in my career because I have worked incredibly hard to receive my degree, and these offers. I’m not sure what to do because I don’t want to give up on this relationship.

    #840937 Reply

    The LA job has different locations, there’s nothing to say you won’t end up over that way eventually. Besides if your boyfriend is coming to America eventually and going to grad school where you are what’s his problem? Because I have news for him, America to the UK is a big trip no matter where you are in the country, he’s being ridiculous.

    Last but not least of my advice: you’re so young but you have such amazing opportunities just out of college, never throw that away for some boy – especially not one who wants you to throw it away for him. He’s entitled to not want to go to LA but he shouldn’t drag you away from it for his sake.

    #841009 Reply

    It sounds like you have far more reason to pick LA than he has to reject it. He can be a grad student there, no problem, they have so many great grad schools in CA. You, on the other hand have choice of great job in LA vs what you think is a very-bad-fit job in Boston. If your relationship is going to last long-term, then he will be happy being with you, even though far from friends and family. Flights from LA to NYC and NYC to London are relatively cheap — it’s an extra half-day each way, but he can manage it, if he truly wants to be with you. Logic says that he needs to be the one who bends here. If not, you should consider MOA and restart your dating life in LA.

    #841012 Reply

    Choose the job you’ll love. You need to do what’s best for you, not what’s best for “us” when you have no real solid plans and he doesn’t have a job or school yet.

    #841013 Reply

    It’s interesting that he won’t chase you but expects you to cater to his whims.

    #841021 Reply

    Go to LA. Don’t destroy your career over a guy who doesn’t want to go the extra distance in travel. The extra distance is nothing if you want to see someone. I travel from the US to England. The flight across the ocean is long and the flight back even longer. You fly through the night to get to England and you spend eight hours in the air coming back. If you left Friday evening you would arrive Saturday morning. Don’t underestimate jet lag. At best you get about three hours of sleep on the flight over. You won’t do much of anything on Saturday. The return flight would take all day Sunday. You won’t be spending long weekends together even if you go to Boston. The extra distance to continue from the east coast to LA isn’t so much if you are getting together for a week or two which is what you would need.

    Have the two of you ever lived in the same place and had a normal dating relationship? If you haven’t definitely don’t make plans that include someone you don’t actually know in person. Knowing someone long distance isn’t the same as knowing them in person, day to day. You need to interact with someone in real life to have a real relationship.

    #841022 Reply

    I should note, yes we first met in person on study abroad and have visited each other a few times per year since then. He has come to visit me for longer periods than I have been able to to visit him, simply because I have not been able to take off as much time from school and work as he has. We know each other extremely well and are comfortable living together.

    #841038 Reply

    It does make a difference that you know him. That’s good. You still shouldn’t take a bad job to try to make him happy because the job won’t make you happy. A relationship can only be as happy as the least happy partner. If you take a job that makes you unhappy your relationship won’t be happy because you will be an unhappy person.

    #841043 Reply

    Don’t base your career decisions on a relationship in which you have barely been in the same room with the other person. It can affect your career for a very long time, even after this relationship has ended.

    #841079 Reply

    Choose yourself.

    Honestly, if he was a really great and supportive partner who only wanted the best for you- he wouldn’t tell you outright that he wouldn’t follow or chase you to LA. Seriously. He’s telling you how far his commitment goes, and it has an expiration line.

    Why on earth would you give up a great opportunity for your career, a job that you are super excited about- to save a few hours extra on a long ass flight? It’s actual pretty ridiculous that he’s telling you not to take this. That sort of says a lot about him.

    Take the job. Someone who wants to limit you isn’t someone worth making that sacrifice for. He doesn’t even have any concrete plan for where he will be.

    #841158 Reply

    LA is promising a great opportunity and a job you’ll love. Your boyfriend isn’t promising you anything more than a vague, potential plan of going to law school where you live. Choose wisely.

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
Reply To: Long Distance Possibly Getting Longer?
Your information: