- October 23, 2019 at 10:26 am #855583BittergaymarkGuest
PS to Miss MJ — by your very own criteria… the boyfriend here is a distant friend — at best. Really, he is the son of the father of the bride’s close friend — so of course, surprise, surprise… he didn’t score a plus one. 🤷♂️October 23, 2019 at 10:29 am #855585CopaParticipant
I don’t think you’re wrong for how you are feeling. I do think it’s in poor taste to exclude you given the circumstances, but they’ve decided how to manage their guest list. Now you decide how you react to it, and I agree with those who are saying that this shouldn’t be your hill to die on.
Can your boyfriend afford the trip? Could you afford to go for a vacation without attending the wedding? (The decision not to include you doesn’t sound personal here, so I don’t think it’d be awkward if you went and still spent time around other wedding-goers.) If you can’t afford the trip and your boyfriend goes, I like the idea of a “you” weekend once he’s back.October 23, 2019 at 10:31 am #855586SkyblossomParticipant
This wedding is in the Caribbean so it is hard for any of us to say what guidelines or local customs they follow. It is easy to whine from a distance about how they don’t follow our own, self-imposed rules.
I personally don’t see why someone would be expected to invite a total stranger to their wedding. Even the boyfriend of the LW isn’t a close friend. He is the son of the friend of the father of the bride and they don’t see much of each other. They were childhood friends but have very little contact now. It is irrelevant whether the LW spends more time with her boyfriend’s family than he does. The couple getting married isn’t spending any time with the boyfriend’s family. The bride knows them from her childhood but doesn’t know them now. Who knows how much she is even mentioned when they do communicate with the distant friends.October 23, 2019 at 10:33 am #855587VathenaGuest
I think it’s a little odd that the boyfriend would drop a bunch of cash to attend the wedding of a person he hasn’t seen in 7+ years, when he has a child and a person he professes to want to marry if only they had the money. The money would be a much bigger deal to me than whether I was invited to the wedding of my boyfriend’s father’s friend’s daughter who I’d never met. (But if the dad is footing the bill, I say go along and get your beach time while he’s stuck at the ceremony!)October 23, 2019 at 10:37 am #855589TaraMonsterParticipant
Also, I know some are saying you could just go to the courthouse and have a big wedding later, but I don’t think it’s wrong to not want to do it that way. And I’m saying this as someone who is doing exactly that right now. We eloped last month in the park by our house with only a handful of witnesses and we’re having a big wedding next summer as well to appease our families. As I began to plan the small ceremony and write my vows, though, I did start to understand why people want all their friends and family present and a big to-do. Getting married makes you reflect on your values and aspirations for your life. I completely understand the aspect of having your “community” present to witness something so momentous in your life. Our wedding was intimate and perfect for us and I’d do it the same way if I had it to do over again, but every couple is different, and you should do what feels right for the both of you. Just make sure you are on the same page about it.October 23, 2019 at 10:39 am #855590FYIGuest
I guess I am an outlier, but I have never believed that two people need to function as an inseparable unit. Someone who is a stranger to you invited him to a wedding. Why shouldn’t he go? They grew up together, and they don’t know you at all. I really don’t understand why it’s some grand offense to acknowledge closeness to one and not the other. Y’all are fully capable of enjoying some events separate from one another.
And then — :: cringe :: — he asked them to invite you. Ugh, no. Weddings are expensive; they probably made their list carefully. They don’t know you. Boyfriend even invited you to go and have a nice vacation, but you’re petulantly refusing.
Sorry, I don’t get this at all. You could wish him bon voyage, you could go with him, you could be happy for the family. And it isn’t true that you “can’t help but feel annoyed.” You can help it. You just aren’t.October 23, 2019 at 11:00 am #855594SkyblossomParticipant
What FYI says!October 23, 2019 at 11:11 am #855595ele4phantGuest
So – do you want (and can you afford) to go to the Caribbean for a family vacation? If yes (and yes), then go, and have a lovely evening you and the wee one while he goes to the wedding.
Can you not afford to (would you rather that money be saved for your own wedding)? Well, ask him to decline so you can use that money for your own family.
Look, “should” you – a common law wife he shares a child with have been invited? I mean, from a by the books perspective, I mean probably technically yes.
But, they didn’t invite you. For some reason they decided you didn’t make the cut. In all liklihood it has nothing to do with you personally and your relationship, and more about budget and drawing a line. You’ll see for your own wedding. You may make a different choice on where to draw the line, but inevitably you’ll piss someone else off. Such is life.
The only thing ruder than excluding people that should default be invited is calling someone on their rudeness (ie asking if you can come after all).
At the end of the day, you don’t know these people. You don’t need them to validate your relationship for you. Their opinions of you and your relationship are not relevant. Their wedding is not about your partnership. So let it go.
The only thing you should consider is whether or not you are okay with your household absorbing such a major expense, and you and your husband need to work together whether you want to spend this money to send one or all of you across the globe.October 23, 2019 at 11:14 am #855596BittergaymarkGuest
Yeah. I simply don’t get it either, FYI. My best guess? It goes back to the whole icky gross women-as-chattel thinking… How can a man not bring his property wherever he goes? How can property go anywhere unescorted? Great thing to cling to, Ladies. REALLY.
More: this pathetic and desperate clingy-ness found in far too many couples never lasts. Oh, and NEWSFLASH: neither do their marriages. 🙄October 23, 2019 at 11:14 am #855597LisforLeslieGuest
Of course couples can function as two people – but for rites of passage the invite should be sent to married couples and couples in long term partnerships. Inviting half of an established couple is simply rude. There was a time when you automatically invited someone and gave them the option of bringing a date. Then prices went through the roof and people didn’t want strangers at their weddings and blah blah blah – no plus one. Then only married couples because they didn’t like one person’s boyfriend and everyone glommed on to this idea that if two people didn’t have a notarized piece of paper, it was no longer required to invite both people.
So the marrying couple is rude. The boyfriend is worse. Is this shared funds? Will this mean he can’t meet other commitments because he’s spending money on this trip? Did he even discuss it before he committed to going?
I don’t see a problem if you talked and together confirmed the decision, but unilaterally accepting an invite is not cool.October 23, 2019 at 11:20 am #855600ele4phantGuest
As an aside, my personal opinions are closer to FYIs.
I accept that the by the books standard is to extend plus ones to all long term relationships, but personally *I* don’t think weddings are the most fun thing ever. I’m happy for my close friends of course, but I will happily take a pass if I don’t really know the couple that well. My husband is more than free to go to a wedding of people he knows much better than me without me. I would not take offense if say, one of his old college buddies wanted a very small intimate ceremony and didn’t want to invite me, someone they’ve only met in passing. No problemo for me, I’d far rather hang out on the couch with the cat watching whatever I want than giving up a whole evening to go to the wedding of someone I don’t really know that well.
And in the reverse, I can understand that for some people they don’t want a big show of a wedding. That being surrounded by people they don’t know that well makes them uncomfortable. So, I think it should be okay to invite just people you know and love, and if you don’t know their spouse or partner that well, well…
I do understand I’m in the minority in my opinion here, just saying if I were in the LW’s shows I would not be put off by this exclusion.
I might be put off by the implications for our shared financial budget, but that’s something to work out between you and your partner, not you and the engaged couple.October 23, 2019 at 11:23 am #855601BittergaymarkGuest
It amazes me how so many go through life just constantly looking to be offended… Mainly, I guess, so they can then gleefully prattle on endlessly about the alleged rudeness of others and thus put themselves up on some fucking pedestal. Fall off, already. Please. You are all exhausting. Sssseshhh.