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Dear Wendy

Long term partner wedding invite

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  • #855602 Reply

    I also don’t think the boyfriend is wrong, per se.

    He can’t control who was invited. They should work together to decide whether or not this is in their budget (for him to go alone, for him to take his family and make a family vacation of it), but he’s not doing anything “wrong” here, unless he’s telling LW I’m spending this money deal with it. Which it doesn’t sound like he is?

    This situation isn’t his fault, as long as he’s working with LW on how they spend their money, I don’t see what there is to get mad about with him.

    #855603 Reply

    Of course couples can function as two people, but here’s why actually they really can’t…


    #855604 Reply

    It wasn’t that long ago, in the US, when people didn’t admit to living together outside of marriage and so married couples were invited and partners of the not married weren’t invited. Even 30 years ago the rules were that if you weren’t married you didn’t get an invite. Things have changed rapidly. I wouldn’t be surprised if the rules aren’t very different in another 30 years. Marriage was the mark of a long term partnership and the way that the seriousness of a relationship was determined.

    Each couple has to figure out what they are going to do. Then those who are invited, or not, get to figure out what they will do.

    Where I grew up people always invited families to weddings. Kids as guests were an expected part of any wedding. My extended family still follows this custom. Should I be insulted if my kids aren’t invited to a wedding because I personally consider it rude that my entire family isn’t considered to be my established family unit?

    Some people have different rules than my family and I don’t take it personally.

    #855605 Reply

    Yeah the whole pile on the boyfriend is as tired as it is predictable around here as of late.

    #855607 Reply

    I don’t think there’s any wrong way to have a wedding.

    At the end of the day, in my mind, the marriage is about the couple getting married, and that couple only. They can decide who they want supporting them there that day. So, maybe that’s all the people they love plus all those people’s families (partners and children included). Maybe it’s just plus ones for other married people. Maybe it’s literally no plus-ones, even for marrieds.

    Because this wedding day is about that couple, not about validating any other relationship or partnership.

    I know plenty of people disagree with me – that a wedding is more about community and you have to acknowledge everyone that’s part of that community (so you have to acknowledge and extent invites to the plus-ones), but I dunno, that’s just not my personal view of weddings.

    And there’s no possible way to have a wedding in which no one is peeved or thinks you’re doing it wrong. That you should’ve invited more people or changed your venue or that this cousin should’ve been on the guest list over some personal friend, or just whatever.

    So you might as well do it the way you want, knowing some people are going to grumble about it regardless.

    #855609 Reply

    You can’t please everyone. We can argue all day that all couples should be invited, or everyone should get a plus one, but none of that matters. She wasn’t invited. She can take it as a personal insult, even though she hasn’t met them and doesn’t know them, or she can move on and consider whether she is going to give all guests to her wedding plus ones.

    They may have invited him, thinking he probably wouldn’t go, because of the great cost attached. I hope whatever you both decide, that he isn’t putting all of this on a credit card right after you get out of debt.

    I can admit to wondering what you are doing with your guest list. Are you inviting them to your wedding? The old family friends of your husband that you have personally never met? Does every person get a plus one?

    Take the high road and work on remembering that these decisions by and large have nothing to do with you. They don’t know you. They haven’t met you. Your social etiquette rule book doesn’t apply to everyone’s social etiquette. It’s not about you.

    #855610 Reply

    At any rate, I guess I am now glad I will NEVER have a wedding.

    Truly they are nothing but endless headaches. The needy, whiney, bitchy, judgey, scorekeeping, holier-than-thou and insecure people that crowd everyone’s lives have throughly seen to that.

    #855611 Reply

    Oh but arguing about wedding etiquette is the most fun thing in the world!

    That said, I agree. It wouldn’t matter if it was black and white, they are super rude for them to exclude the LW.

    They didn’t invite her, there’s nothing to be done but accept that and decide how you want to respond.

    You can decide to be highly offended, that’s an option that is available. But, it isn’t going to change anything so to me it seems a waste of energy to stew over the decisions of people you don’t know. So, if it were me, I’d let it go.

    They can also decide whether or not they want to pay money for him to go, and decide not to.

    #855613 Reply

    Also – totally agree that they probably invited LW’s boyfriend without the plus-one on the assumption he would decline if his partner and child weren’t invited.

    Was there perhaps pressure from the father of the groom, and this is how they capitulated to make him happy?

    #855618 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    BGM: “PS to Miss MJ — by your very own criteria… the boyfriend here is a distant friend — at best. Really, he is the son of the father of the bride’s close friend — so of course, surprise, surprise… he didn’t score a plus one. 🤷‍♂️”

    By my criteria, he, himself as that distant of an acquaintance, shouldn’t have scored an invite at all! But if he had, he’d have gotten a plus one, especially if I knew he had a long term live in girlfriend.

    #855630 Reply

    It’s rude! If someone is in a long term partnership (I generally think, serious relationship (2+ years), living together, married, or partners with kids…you invite the partner!

    That said, I’ve ran into this (not being invited) and my partner basically said it’s both of us or neither of us can come. And got the +1 and yes was that bratty and out of line? Sure a little, but we are partners. We’re a team. If it bothers you, that’s how it should go.

    #855632 Reply

    We’re a team. If it bothers you, that’s how it should go.

    So, in my personal view of my marriage, the commitment between my husband and I is really just between…my husband and I. We’ve committed to be there for one another. We’ve committed to be faithful, to put the interests of our team above the interests above our individual interests. I’ve got his back, and he’s got mine, and he’s really the only person I care about recognizing that and validating it.

    How the rest of the world views and recognizes our partnership I could give a flying flip about. The world doesn’t have to recognize that he and I are in a team and in it together, only he does.

    And fundamentally, I think what makes our team strong is that we are still individuals. We continuously have to remind ourselves of our commitment and continually work at it. It’s okay to be separate people and have our own outside interests and relationships, we’re not joined at the hip.

    And as an introvert that has to do a lot of networking professionally, I relish alone time and find attending the weddings of people I’m not close to to be draining. It’s more than fine that he go by himself to the wedding of people I don’t know as well.

    Everyone’s mileage may vary, but this is my view of what a partnership is, and why I don’t care about plus-ones.

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