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Dear Wendy

Losing my friend

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  • #1097030 Reply

    2 years ago I met a guy through common friends. I’d seen him before but never really paid a lot of attention to him, but we started talking and found out we had a lot in common. We flirted a bit over the next couple of months, he thought I was just joking so eventually I had to tell him I wasn’t. He said that he’d been through a pretty bad breakup, not only did things not work out with his ex after 7 years together, but they had a baby son and he felt like a failure cause their family life didn’t work out the way he had hoped, so he wasn’t really ready for a relationship, but he liked me a lot so if I was willing to take things very slow and get to know each other, then we could see how things worked out. I’m in no hurry, in fact I love my single life, so that wasn’t an issue for me at all. We became really good friends, we talked constantly on the phone and had movie nights together at my place where we’d hold hands and cuddle but nothing else. We have never kissed or had sex, we’re just really great friends who feel totally comfortable around each other. Or at least we were.

    A few months ago he bought a new car and that changed everything. One day he ran into a guy from his past, they had been friends but the guy dumped my friend when he met his now ex cause “he didn’t want boring friends who only wanted to sit at home and play family”, so they hadn’t really talked much for the past 10 years, but now he suddenly wanted to be friends again and since they’re both very much into cars they started hanging out and fixing cars together. Soon more of the old friends joined and now they are a group of 8-10 guys who hang out constantly, and I never hear from my friend anymore. His friend knows about me and that we were “kinda” seeing each other, so every time my friend and I make plans he ruins them. His car “breaks down” so my friend has to pick him up and take him home and cancel whatever we were doing, he invites him to his parents’ summer residence in the weekends where his son is at his mom’s and we’d usually be together, and if we finally manage to make a date without him messing anything up he’ll call my friend and keep talking even if he tells him he’s with me. The guy has done the same with two other friends so eventually their relationships were ruined, cause he only wants single friends. My friend thinks I’m exaggerating, he thinks he still spends as much time on me as always, but I haven’t seen him in two months, he has called me once the last month and he barely answers me on messenger anymore.
    I don’t wanna lose hip friendship, I don’t feel that comfortable around many people so finding him was like a miracle so it makes me both sad and angry that his friend is getting away with his games.

    So, how do I get rid of his “friend” (preferably legally) and how do I get my friend to see what he’s up to?

    And yes, I know my friend is at fault too, obviously he should tell his friend no, but he’s having a hard time finding friends so he’s hanging on to the old ones cause he’s scared they’ll disappear from his life again.

    #1097031 Reply
    Part-time Lurker

    There’s nothing you can do here. If he isn’t prioritizing spending time with you, then you aren’t a priority. He told you early on he wasn’t ready for anything serious and now he’s showing you that he just doesn’t have the same level of interest in you that you have in him. If someone cares about you and wants to be with you they’ll show you that. People get to choose who their friends are and who they spend time with and he’s not choosing you. This isn’t his male friend’s fault.

    #1097036 Reply

    It’s not:
    “I know my friend is at fault too.”

    “I know my friend is at fault.”

    Whether he just likes what they do when they’re together, or being with this friend reminds him of a time in his past when he was younger and happier, or delving into a shallower friendship is less emotionally demanding on him, or one of any number of other reasons doesn’t matter. He’s choosing this right now. It sucks, but you didn’t “do” anything to make him go, so there isn’t anything you can really “do” to get him back.

    #1097041 Reply

    Yeah, it’s really NOT the annoying friend’s fault. Instead — it’s your friend that is reacting to the actions of his friend. None of this would be a problem if your friend was simply more into you. That’s probably NOT what you want to hear, but it’s the truth.

    #1097043 Reply

    LW, you sound possessive.

    “So, how do I get rid of his “friend” (preferably legally) and how do I get my friend to see what he’s up to?” TF is this suppose to mean?

    If you make plans with your friend and he “ditches” you after agreeing to those plans because of these other friends then your issue with with that friend and not his friends.

    You sound delusional and paranoid. This guy is a friend and nothing more. And he doesn’t owe anything to you other than an apology when he dips out to hang out with others.

    Maybe that’s the sign he is trying to give you that he’s trying to scale back on this friendship.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by Karebear1813.
    #1097045 Reply

    This guy was trying to let you down easy from the beginning. He tried to play it like he thought you were joking. Then when you put it out there directly, he basically said no without being brave enough to give you a direct “no.” Maybe he didn’t want to hurt you, maybe he thought attraction would grow, maybe he valued your friendship, but yeah, that was a “no” to romantic dating. Sounds like he was lonely after his breakup and available to hang out, but now he’s got these guy friends he prefers to spend time with. I’m sorry, but this is an old-school “he’s just not that into you” moment.

    #1097076 Reply

    It sounds like He lost most of his friends either during or after his relationship. He might have been using you as a placeholder until he found his next relationship or, in this case, his new friend group.

    He doesn’t value you nearly as much as you value him. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

    #1097081 Reply

    Ouch, I’m sorry this happened to you, LW. But I have to agree with the others, it really sounds like he was/is just not that into you. (A phrase that could sum up my dating life in my 20’s, so don’t feel too bad, you’re not the only one!)
    You can’t force him to hang out with you or make you important in his life. It stinks, but that’s just how it is. And of course it hurts your feelings! All you can do now is mourn the end of the friendship/relationship, and move on.

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