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Dear Wendy

Lost a relationship of almost 6 years

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  • #879754 Reply
    avatarchrismitch2020
    Participant

    Hi Guys,

    I was hoping someone could get my head straight.

    I was dumped by my ex partner of almost 6 years on November 9th as she said she was too miserable, and she tried breaking up with me before my birthday but i managed to bring her round.

    Going back into 2019 we had a great start to the year, then she started a new job as a mental health nurse, and she started having mental health problems which i had no experience of, and she was my first real partner, and she basically made me leave twice. Her words were you knew i was going through a mental health crisis but your answer was too do your own ironing? are you taking the mick? and i had no understanding of mental health problems at all.

    So when i left, i was in total tears not knowing what to do. I then had to stay out at a hotel as things got worse, and then i go back to the house, and she wouldnt come near me. i was super apologetic for everything, and i feel i made massive mistakes like going on my xbox etc when she was watching tv (shows she liked and i didnt), she then said to me that she didnt know what to do, so i suggested taking her away to Florida for her 30th which was incredible. (little did i know she put on a front for this holiday). Then she found her dad dead on August 15th, and i raced home to be with her. I cuddled her and cared for her until 3am sometimes, taking care of her. pledging myself to her. Now i had plans to propose to her under the fireworks in Florida but due to her behaviour i couldnt, i just couldnt.

    So i help get her through the funeral, and then she starts getting super angry and i tried taking her away to center parks so we can spend some time together but i was rejected multiple times, and i just didnt know how to support her, as ive never done anything like this before and i just supported her as best as i could.

    Then she started isolating herself away from me, and i thought this was just grief, then she started staying out at friends etc, and going out on long drives on her own etc.

    Then she broke up with me November 9th by basically waking me up and saying she was sick of being miserable, and i kept saying we can make it work, you just need to let me in so i can hold and love you for who you are. and she was like nope nope nope so i was in total tears, and was with her mum and was apologetic to her saying ive failed you all, as i was a mess.

    Now i find out she got with someone six weeks after me, and it absolutely kills me. I was made homeless because of her. I didnt cheat on her or anything, she was always taken care of.

    Im so upset after all of this, luckily i have bought a house back home with my family which im really looking forward to it.

    She said to me in an email that she was unhappy but i thought this was just grieving, as she lost her dad, and she told me that there was no fun or laughter, yet i was always there for her when she needed it most, and i tried to take her away and she refused. I didnt know she was unhappy, i had to ask her by text, she didnt communicate with me properly.

    Chris xx

    #879777 Reply
    Miss MJMiss MJ
    Participant

    I’m not sure what you want to hear. It sucks, but she broke up with you and it only takes one person to do that. She’s moving on and she doesn’t really owe you any more of an explanation than you’ve gotten. I’m sorry because I know it hurts. For your happiness, you need to stop thinking about her and focus on moving on, as well. There’s really no need to dissect it some 5 months later.

    #879943 Reply
    CurlyQueCurlyQue
    Participant

    While i agree with Miss MJ, i’d like to point out that there’s a lot of resources for the partner of someone going through grief and how to talk to said partner, you can also look up assistance in helping someone dealing with mental health issues. This girl isn’t for you, and the relationship is over. But you can still learn lessons and make yourself a better partner for the next person. Lots of luck!

    #879950 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    Yes, there is nothing you can do to force someone to want you.

    I understand that this was your first relationship, and I don’t know your age (but you’re old enough to buy a house). Here is a tip: it is not your job to twist yourself into all kinds of contortions to please someone and make them love you. Going on your xbox is not cause for some kind of groveling apology; you’re allowed to have different interests than her. I’m not sure why ironing is such a grand offense, but you know what? Sometimes it’s the other person who is wrong. Just because they’re yelling louder and acting meaner, that doesn’t make them right.

    You knew this one wasn’t for you, and that’s why you never proposed. Now you have time to raise your self-worth. Don’t grovel. Ever.

    #880053 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Sorry, but you need to just accept that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. There doesn’t need to be any other reason. She’s an adult and you have to trust that she can make the right decisions for herself, even if you don’t agree. Accept it and move on. Time will help.

    #880814 Reply
    avatarmellanthe
    Participant

    Your ex sounds like she has had a lot of problems, and her dad suddenly passing away probably made things much worse. It sounds like she was all over the place, so I’m not surprised she sent you mixed signals or made sudden decisions you find hard to understand or accept. It sounds like you both had very different ideas of what each other needed (what’s wrong with going on your xbox if you’re not watching a show? This is not a mistake at all let alone a big one – unless all you do is play games) – it may well be that your expectations were just too different, or that her expectations may not have been healthy. Perhaps she had real problems – it can be really hard to be going through crises, but it sounds like she didn’t get help and that her issues really overshadowed the relationship. You’ve done a lot to try to help, but it’s not your burden to bear, and you are not a professional.

    You did the best that you could to support her, and no matter how much you love someone, you can’t always make things better- things like grief or mental illness can need professional support. it sounds like you might benefit from support after such an intense relationship, too – to work out what was healthy and what wasn’t.

    She made her decision to leave and she has moved on – you need to do this too. None of this is your fault. It actually sounds like this is better for both of you in the long run – a relationship filled with screaming fights before she was even grieving sounds like there were serious issues even beforehand. Perhaps she needs a fresh start to address them, and maybe you need a fresh start to recover from the past year or so with her, which sounds like it was very difficult for you, too.

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