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Dear Wendy

Lost and Confuse

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  • This topic has 11 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 days, 1 hour ago by avatarHeart broken once too many times.
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  • #1057200 Reply
    avatarHeart broken once too many times
    Guest

    Dear Wendy and commenters, I welcome your positive advises and please spare me the negative comments as it will not help me solving the issue in any way.

    I’ll get straight to the point. There is someone who likes me but I don’t feel the same as him. I like him only as a friend. I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. It’s really my own fault for causing the misunderstanding for him. I don’t have any real friend and recently I’ve some personal life issues and he seems mature, open minded, not gossiping type and easy to talk to so I went to him three diff times for advises because it’s time sensitives so I needed answer right away. I asked him not to tell anyone I know about my problems. He promised me. Honestly, dating is the last thing not on my mind. I need a real friend or good friend not a boyfriend or fake friends. Am I over thinking or confuse for his friendship with into me??? Maybe he’s just trying to be nice to me because he knows a little bit about my life is at a tough situation right now??? He keeps invited me to go places with him and even pay for everything. I keeps turn it down. Can a male friend and a female friend go to places together??? We’ve know each other for less than a year. PLEASE HELP ME. I have so much on my plates right now and trying to keep my head above the water trying to survive life throw at me that my head hurt literally when I’m thinking about how to handle my friend. He thinks I should go with him to have fun night (I’m guessing he’s trying to help me release my stresses). My other so called friend said he has something else on his mind (at night). I don’t want to think. I can’t think. Because my head hurt literally when I try to think.

    Please give me your best advises. I would like to be his friend only. I’m afraid to say anything that would hurt people’s feelings.

    #1057487 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Well, I know you don’t want any negative comments, but this isn’t great. You know he wants to date you, but you just want someone to talk to and you’re not being honest with him. Ultimately you really need to be talking to a counselor or coach (even just online) about your serious problems, not putting it all on a guy you know has feelings for you just because he’s there. Like, really deal with your problems and then worry about getting out there and making friends. And if you are going to keep hanging out with this guy, you need to be honest with him, using words, that you value his friendship but don’t want to date him. The offers to pay feel like dates, and you don’t want to send mixed signals, so you’ll pay your own way. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings, it’s better and much kinder than leading him on.

    #1057506 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    Excellent advice @kate.

    You need to be honest LW. I know it’s uncomfortable, but being able to kindly have difficult conversations is a good life skill.

    #1057534 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    I agree with @Kate.

    To speak to the general question: Yes, men can be friends with women, even going places and doing things together without getting romantic feelings. But the question is really: Can THIS guy do that? Your gut seems to be telling you the answer is “no”, and I think you should trust your gut on this.

    Make it clear that you don’t have romantic feelings towards him, you don’t see yourself getting romantic feelings towards him in the future, and then give him a bit of space and see how he behaves. There is a chance that he might just not talk to you anymore, or he might act like an asshole. But there is a chance he might prove to be a decent guy and learn to be a good friend. But the first sign of assholery or continuing to pursue you romantically, you need to take a sledgehammer to the friendship.

    You seem very concerned about hurting his feelings and blaming yourself for confiding in him and forcing his feelings to develop. This is not fair to you. You’re not the shepherd to his feelings. You should be able to confide in a man as a friend-that’s what friends do. If he can’t handle that without falling in love, that’s on him.

    Maybe I’m just crabby at the patriarchy this morning, but I get the sense you’re kind of scared of his reaction when you reject him, and if that’s the case, trust that gut and just end contact in general with him.

    #1057546 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    All of your stress around this question is self inflicted. A basic skill of being an adult is saying things to people that they aren’t necessarily going to like hearing. If you won’t do that then you shouldn’t be seeking friendships at all with anyone. I know many women struggle with this, but you need to think of it this way: keeping important information from someone for your own comfort is lying, and it’s cruel. Just tell him how much you value his friendship and you aren’t looking for a relationship or to date right now. Problem solved.

    I agree with Kate. If you’re struggling to keep your head above water then you need to enlist the help of a therapist and be talking to them. Issues that big are not something you should be relying on a friend to solve. Also social services and other organizations in your area – do some googling about whatever it is you’re struggling with (rent assistance, sliding scale mental health services, free local healthcare clinics, women’s shelters, etc.) Get your life in order before you worry about relationships.

    #1057635 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    I would be cautious telling him “I’m not looking to date anyone right now” because he may take that as “Well, if I just wait a bit longer and show her how great I am she might be ready to date me”. There might be truth to that statement, but the truth he needs to hear is “I’m not going to date YOU”. The sooner he understands that, the sooner he can mentally transition from “This is a person I’m trying to date” to “this is a person that is my friend” or if he can’t handle that, “this is a person I wanted to date but don’t talk to anymore”.

    #1057724 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I get that you don’t want to lose his support and friendship, but you have to be honest. It’s not fair to lead him on.

    Good luck.

    #1058065 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    I’d just be straight-up and tell him, the best thing that can happen is you get a friend (and we all need those) the worst is that he can’t handle that, which is fair enough, and you lose a confidante but you also don’t have to deal with the guilt of having hurt someone you seem to genuinely care for. If you can’t go to therapy for whatever reason, maybe a helpline might be useful if that’s available to you, the volunteers manning those are pretty wonderful listeners.

    #1058092 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    I mean, yes, he may be hurt a little now, but if you let it linger, the hurt will be greater, and it will be less likely that he will trust you as a friend.

    #1058290 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    This isn’t a negative comment, but some encouragement to open your mind to some feedback on **your** part in this. That’s how ALL of us grow and change — by taking in information (maybe even unpleasant information) that helps us see things differently.

    I don’t know your age, but you are being kinda dramatic? Try not to identify too much as a person who has had her “heart broken once too many times,” i.e., as a person who is broken (you aren’t) or can’t handle stuff (you can).

    You aren’t going to devastate this person. He will be fine. You can just say, very breezily, “Hey, just making sure we’re on the same wavelength. I think of us as friends.” You’re not ASKING him this, you’re stating it to him. And then just go on with whatever you’re doing. You don’t have to turn it into a big FEELINGS dump.

    If you’re 16 or something, then intense feelings seem very normal or even desirable. No one can talk you out of that, but your life will be a lot easier if you can focus more on the fun stuff that’s happening in your life. It’s there.

    #1058915 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    You really need to get a therapist and stop asking your friends of any gender be your emotional support. This guy is spending time listening to you because he wants to date you, so he’s giving you more attention hoping that you will suddenly see him as a comfort, as a partner, as whatever… it’s not fair to him as a friend – period.

    You need to be up front with this person. Do you think that you could date him if your life were not so overwhelming? If not, then make that clear.

    #1060082 Reply
    avatarHeart broken once too many times
    Guest

    Both FYI and bloodymediocrity are right on the money. bloodymediocrity is right on the heart and FYI is right on the head. I find your comments are very helpful and mind opened. Thank you so much both.

    I don’t intend to justify, debate, defense or take offensive to anyone’s comments for my post. I’m merely here seeking for help, solution or answer to the specific problem.

    I want to thank you everyone for your input. I really appreciate all your negative and positive comments.

    Lost and confuse….now found and transparent

    Stay safe everyone.

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