Hi Kari. Your letter has as many or more doubts and misgivings as it does desire for him and a relationship with him. My observations are: You loved each other but you were young and YOU FOUGHT ALOT. You could have married him but you chose not to. I understand your mom was sick. However, maybe he would have moved to your area or your mother could have moved with you. Or you could have said yes but opted for a long engagement or long distance relationship until your mother had recovered. You said no.
Now you have contacted him ( interesting he did not reach out first ) and you say he forgave you. You mention getting back together but it is not clear if he asked for that/wants that, or you asked for it or are just “thinking”. Just because he has let go of the past, does not mean he sees a future of wants to try again.
And as you contemplate going forward into a relationship, you appear again to be focused on the negative/reasons, excuses to not do this. If I had a lost “love of my life ” and had a chance to re-ignite our relationship, I can’t imagine wasting time worrying about “wasting the best years of our lives and it is all down hill from here.
My opinion is that you are still “young and immature”. I think perhaps you feel guilt too. That you are uncertain, either in general, or specific to him, shows you may have commitment issues.
If indeed he does still want you, I worry that you would break his heart again. If you are not all in, and so happy and grateful to be with him again and build a future, then I say leave him alone. Be glad he “forgave” and move on. I don’t feel he is really what you want.

Kari, Regarding more info: I would be concerned too, if he had only/is only offering a “fling”. Maybe he wanted/wants more but is afraid to trust you right away with his heart again.
I think therapy is a good idea. Not to keep speculating on the past and why you acted as you did, but to help you stride forward in life. You need to figure out what you really want and need and how to go about getting that. I am talking about you, not in context with him. You need to sort yourself first, it seems, and be confident in your direction and choices. Therapy can help you with the anxiety etc. Maybe medication would help as well. All things to explore. Don’t jump into anything with him or anyone else, until you are more settled with-in yourself.

You can’t get the past back, ever. If you gave up on this guy and dated someone else, you’d still miss out on spending your 20s with him. So…I’m not sure what on earth you actually have to lose by giving this a try!

Also, I got into a really bad marriage in my 20s. I stayed for 20 years because we had kids and I didn’t want to tear up their home. I finally left, got my life back together, and started dating an AMAZING person when I was 49. Sometimes, yes, I feel sad that we didn’t have the kind of relationship my parents had — kind of “growing up” together, raising kids together, experiencing all of our life stages together. And I’m devastated that his parents died before I could meet them, and mine also died before he met them (beyond a quick Zoom meeting — we started dating right before the pandemic). I feel so sad about that, but it NEVER makes me question whether I want to be with him! The only thing I can control is the future, and I know I want him in it for as much time as I have left. If that’s truly what you want with this guy, then stop wasting more time and go for it.

Yeah, jumping on the bandwagon that over 30 is NOT over the hill. Neither is 40. Or 50, or any age. You can live your best life at any age, despite our culture constantly pushing the idea that “youth is best.” I got married (again) after 40, and it is MUCH better than my first marriage. I have more confidence now at age 52, more career success, a better house, and frankly, I think I look better than ever, even though society might disagree (because I’m not so fresh and tight anymore)! Also, there can be more than one love of your life. I have had four in my life. So the question to ask yourself is, do you want this guy because you think you are truly a good match and just had bad timing when you were younger, or are you just lonely, wistful for old times and feeling “over the hill”? If it’s the latter, that’s not a good enough reason to get back together. You also don’t say if he WANTS to get back together, just that you “have the opportunity.” Have you two actually discussed it? Have you started dating again? Honestly, since so much time has passed since you were last together, you can’t just pick up where you left off. You are different people now, so you have to start over. And the past doesn’t have to be a source of regret if you do get back together. You can forge a new path, make new memories, and refuse to live in the past.