Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Lost? or at a crossroads?

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  • #962404 Reply
    avatarcomfortablynumb
    Participant

    I am a 27 year old Music graduate who had the time of her life from September 2018-October 2019 studying in a big city after years of being in a small town trying to reach out with my music. I enrolled onto a one year masters degree in Music production and the opportunities were countless. I got into 2 bands within the first week I was there and ended up touring around the UK on and off throughout 2019. I was living my dream (we werent exactly famous but people knew us within circles in the city) and on top of this I beat alot of my social and health anxiety. In September 2019 I completed the degree and moved onto a job in an office whilst still gigging in the city (I was happy with this despite the crash of living in luxury accommodation to a 2 bed flat with woodlice) but planned to move into a nicer 5 bed with some friends. However. During my time in university that year I became very sick with an intestinal infection on May 1st (yep, its as horrible as it sounds) and was more or less digestively broken throughout my time there. Though it was hell, I was determined to carry on as I was loving my life but obviously this had a huge stain on me and had me developing a new severe wave of anxiety due to my condition. I became slightly better though and stuck to my plan of staying there. My parents, though loving and supportive, are very diligent about money and as soon as I finished the degree were banging on to me to move back home (to the very dead end village) to which I assured them I couldnt as I was doing what I loved. My mom bombarded me with texts, calls, messages about how “The office may drop you anyday. Youre not qualified. Come home” and I was adamant I’d stay. I nearly signed a 9 month contract one day in September and my parents were livid, saying I would never be able to pay it and that living with other musicians was very flimsy and stupid and that theyd end up paying my rent(despite me being on a weekly pay of around 300pw). My housemates were a little disappointed as it ruined their plans and alot of my friends were on my back about not standing up to my parents. Between my parents, my friends and a full time job AND an exhaustive stomach condition hanging on my shoulders.. I gave up. I caved. I moved home in October 2019 and enjoyed the comforts of not working etc and recovered immensely from my stomach but within 2 months I was having to travel 5 hours away for gigs which became tiresome, expensive and impossible. Then….lo and behold! corona happened. My band told me there was no point us carrying on now that Im living hours away and gigs are all off. I have made no friends here, havent been able to date due to my moms judgemental ways , have ran into ghosts from the past who Im uncomfortable with and, mostly, I’m latching such a hard grip onto people from last year as I really bonded with a huge amount of like minded people. I see my friends marrying, having children, recording, releasing music whilst I am stuck everynight seemingly running like a hamster without a wheel. My brother, though one of my best friends, is one year older than me and is about to marry, get a mortage whilst doing his dream job as a producer. I feel failed, weak, dictated, frustrated, angry, sad when he and my future sis in law visit. I’ve never cried so much in my life. The only good thing is that I’ve had time to recover from my illness due to a diminishing of stress. I’ll admit, Im a positive person and do get on with my parents but its becoming apparent that my mom wants me under her thumb. Two nights ago I lost it completely. Should also mention that I do have friends in the next city about an hour away so thats been very helpful and my best friend has suggested we move in together, to which my mom is happy “cos youll be near”. I’m not depressed as I have had time to do my music and have been seeing more friends lately but in comparison to last year I feel invisible. I want to thrive off buildings, people, places. Im aware the pandemic has ruined everyone to some extent but I still see my best friends from last year doing exactly what they were last year.

    I’m lost. In the woods..I keep myself busy by writing and exercising daily and feel well rested and of a healthy mind but. Im 27 and feel like Im 60 years old not connected to anything or anyone. Please, if anyone has any indication what I can do, please speak up. Should mention that Ive been unsuccessful in most jobs apps here as its a tiny village and Im on government money of 300 pounds per month hence why I havent took the dive to move out anywhere yet.(I am thankful for that, mind).

    #962410 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    Re-read your own post. It’s pretty obvious, but I guess when you’re brainwashed by a parent, it’s not so clear.

    Do NOT live with your mother. Get a job — if your degree is in music production, then TRY FOR A JOB IN THAT FIELD. (Did you try for a production job in that field before you took an office job?) Go back to the bigger city, contact your school, and see what opportunities they can connect you with (as an alumna). If you can’t physically move yet, then take action on the job stuff anyway. Contact your alumni office, network (google that if you don’t know how to do it), send emails, leave no stone unturned.

    You have something you’re good at and passionate about, so follow that like it’s a beacon (because it is). You can certainly take baby steps on caring for YOURSELF in terms of physical health, because you will have to do that in the future, regardless. You cannot rely on your mom and her home to address your physical health needs, because the cost is too high mentally. What good is a quieter stomach if you’re crying every day?

    Also, you need therapy to untangle yourself from your mother. It’s screamingly obvious that she is controlling and undermining you, for her own selfish reasons, but it’s just now dawning on you. You have to learn to say No to your mom, or she’s going to really take you down.

    #962443 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    It’s almost been a year and you’re super depressed. You are a grown adult capable of choosing your own path. Stop bowing to your mother and get out. Contact all your friends, ask for help with whatever you need to get back to your beloved city. Good luck.

    #962460 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    You are not actually doing your mother any long-term favor by living with her. You are just enabling her. She needs to build an enjoyable life for herself and not lean on the familiar you. You are stifling your own personal development as well as your mother’s. It is not a healthy situation for either of you. Some parents have a very hard time letting go of control over their adult children. They need to, for both your sake and theirs. You say a lot about your mother, what is your father’s role is all of this.

    #962598 Reply
    avatarCee
    Participant

    Perhaps you should sell your music on iTunes and collect royalties. You can use your royalties to supplement your current income. Hopefully it’ll be enough to get you out from under your Mom’s thumb.

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