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Low self esteem after relationship with richer guy

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Lullaby 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #836256 Reply
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    Lullaby
    Member

    Born and raised in a quite poor country(and quite poor family) I still never considered myself “poor”, but I was not rich enough as to ever travel outside my country(and just few times inside my country in touristic places),for example. Practically I really always had a limited world but that was not a reason of big sorrow for me.
    Until I met someone way richer, from a developed country with a totally different life style and education, who had a very large horizon.
    Things didn’t work out(from various reasons) and we broke up, but now I simply feel like “shit”… He many times told me that I live in a small world, that I never travelled the world, that I never tried exotic foods or stuff like that. His attitude had lack of respect towards me. I am sure it all was because of our social differences.
    Anyway, now I really have hundred thoughts and feeling very inferiour and no self esteem. The material part makes me feel really bad and like I have no value. I got obsessed with the idea of travelling but I haven’t got enough possibilities. Any idea about how can I get over this issue?

    #836268 Reply
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    JD
    Member

    He was a dick. Someone will always have more than someone else. Maybe some counseling would help. Or just remind yourself he’s just s dick.

    #836329 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    He was a jerk. He was trying to make you feel bad.

    I grew up in the US but on a farm and we didn’t have much money but we had a lot of livestock that needed to be fed twice a day. We never traveled. We never had vacations. The first time I traveled was when I was 18 and had graduated from high school and my aunt and uncle took me across country with them to stay with them for two weeks. I saw the Mississippi for the first time and mountains for the first time and went to the ocean for the first time and saw a different region of the country for the first time. I also saw blatant racism for the first time and experienced blatant social stratification for the first time. It was eye opening. It was a good trip for me.

    Even after returning from that trip I didn’t expect to travel in my life. It wasn’t part of my reality. That was okay with me.

    The lack of respect says a tremendous amount about your ex not being a nice person but nothing about you and your self-worth. I’ve traveled a lot now and I still find that the things I value the most are good people. I wouldn’t value your ex. Your ex was shallow. He tried to place a person’s value on what they had not about who they were. That made him valuable to himself and allowed him to try to feel good about himself. If he had to base his self-worth on being a kind, thoughtful, generous person he would be a failure and so he couldn’t go there. You don’t need his opinion. Look around you. Are you a good person to the people around you? Do you help where you can? Do you treat people with dignity and respect?

    Your ex will likely travel and try exotic foods and chase more extreme places and activities in the pursuit of happiness and self-worth but he will never find what he needs because self-worth and value don’t come from visiting a certain number of places or seeing a certain number of continents or trying enough exotic foods. In his pursuit of happiness he’s chasing the wrong things. He was putting you down to puff himself up but that doesn’t work. He still probably isn’t happy and likely never will be.

    Look for happiness within yourself. Everything else you do is bonus. Maybe you will travel or maybe not. Maybe you will try exotic foods and maybe not. Whether any of that happens has no bearing on your value as a person. Your value will be determined by how you treat others.

    #836331 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    Your ex sounds condescending as hell, which is on him, not on you. Wealth and the ability to travel don’t make you better than anyone else, which he somehow fails to see despite his exposure to people, places, and ideas that are different from his. If this is how he treats people, then travel hasn’t done anything to broaden his horizons.

    #836333 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    @Copa Isn’t it sad that all that travel has been so wasted on him.

    #836334 Reply
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    Oracle

    Learn to be grateful for what you have.

    #836338 Reply
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    ele4phant

    If you grew up in a less developed country and with limited means yourself, you have undoubtedly experienced things he has not.

    There is a stereotype of kids who grew up rich as being sheltered, and sometimes its true. Yeah sure, they may have traveled around and gotten to try all sorts of fancy foods or are “cultured”, but they are utterly cut off from how most people live and are ignorant of how the world “really” works for most. Think of Donald Trump’s suggestions for government employees to get through his government shutdown.

    I don’t know if this describes your ex or not, but remember, your life experiences shaped you and gave you a specific perception of the world, just the same as someone who is rich.

    One perception is not better than the other and certainly people from vastly different backgrounds can pair up and enrich one another’s perspectives, but if you are being judged as an ignorant bumpkin, then that person is an idiot. You may not known all the things they do, but CERTAINLY you understand things about the world that they are clueless about.

    #836339 Reply

    All that wealth and no manners. He’s rude and said that to make you feel bad.

    #836346 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    He was a jerk and said really obnoxious things, but you’re the one who is treating him like he’s better than you. You’re hearing what he says and deciding THAT is how you should feel about yourself.

    I grew up in the US, but in a lower middle class family. I dated an engineer from a wealthy family, so not only did his family have money, but he had always been making a good salary. He wasn’t rude about it, but he was kind of wasteful (bought super expensive things that clearly didn’t need to be that expensive and was wasteful with electricity, etc.) and was clearly lacking in perspective. We had a friend who was sad over a sick family member, and my ex was like, “He’s not been as much fun now that he’s sad all the time. He needs to meet a woman!” The fact that nothing bad had ever happened in this guy’s life made him unable to empathize with someone else who had an actually bad thing happen.

    The difference is that I didn’t decide that because he was wealthy, he must be right about everything and I wasn’t. I didn’t decide that he must be better than me because he has money. That’s what you’re doing. And that’s very sad. Because this guy is clearly a bad person if he’s saying these mean things to you and doesn’t deserve for you to just be like, “Well, he thinks these things, so clearly there’s something wrong with me.”

    He’s not the only one who needs to place less importance on wealth and social status…

    #836380 Reply
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    Lullaby
    Member

    @skyblossom
    Thank you a lot for your encouraging words. I always had the idea that the worth of a person is inside of them but this relationship simply made me lose focus and balance.

    #836381 Reply
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    Lullaby
    Member

    Thank you all for your helpful messages!

    #836382 Reply
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    Lullaby
    Member

    @Copa
    You are absolutely right.

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