Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › Made a major mistake, need relationship advice
- This topic has 13 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 11 months, 3 weeks ago by bloodymediocrity.
So, a long time friend and I started a long distance relationship a few months ago after we had both gotten out of lengthy relationships with others. It was easier to quickly get into the relationship with him because we had been friends for years and years, previous to me even meeting my now ex-boyfriend, and it’s long distance at the moment, so it allowed me to still process getting over the previous relationship. I’m generally prone to anxiety and depression and I’ll get very wound at times and do dumb things or say dumb things, often times when things are going well – I realize after the fact that I’ve done it and then I go ohhh crap and then analyze myself and realize I’m self sabotaging and it all comes back to how I deep down don’t think I deserve to be happy and also think all good things don’t last (childhood/family issues that I’m still having to work on because I’ve still got current family drama)… Right so, I know these things about myself but it only clicks with me after I’ve done something idiotic. Now back to the guy I’m dating. He’s so so good to me, we really mesh, we’re the best of friends, everything is really really good and shockingly healthy and I love him so much. We’re planning on settling down together & that’s what I do genuinely want, and it’s starting to all come together.. except for the fact that it’s still long distance at the moment, I haven’t seen him in over a couple of months, and after our next time together I won’t see for another few months – after which point we’ll close this distance. The past couple of days I’ve been especially stressed/anxious/depressed mainly relating to family stuff, but I’ve been all over the place all happy one moment and then sobbing uncontrollably not really knowing why in the next moment. I don’t know why I did it, but it was like I so easily compartmentalized, I messaged a guy on Instagram who was a friend of my ex-boyfriend’s who in the past has told me he wants to sleep with me etc. He immediately took my messaging to mean I was interested in him and started complimenting me a ton and I didn’t even flirt per se back, I said just enough to get another text from him, another compliment or whatever, but I felt very cold about it the whole time. It got to the point where he said we should meet up sometime, I agreed, not to specifics, but that “sometime”, but I have no plan of doing so, and don’t want to. If I was single I wouldn’t be interested in being in a relationship with this guy even. He’s not my type, I just know he was interested in me. Well anyways, fast forward not even 20 minutes after the “sometime” we should meet up “soon”, I felt like absolute crap. I honestly feel so awful. I was disrespectful to my boyfriend, my boyfriend who I seriously love, I want to spend my life with him, and what for? Why was I disrespectful when I’m not even planning or wanting to do anything, my comments to the guy were just sweet nothings for cheap compliments because I felt like crap about things and myself today? How could I risk my relationship and hurting my boyfriend for nothing? How could I risk my relationship and hurting my boyfriend for anything really? I can’t believe I did that and was leading that guy on. And then on the flip side, the guy I was leading on, I led him on once before between relationships and it made me feel sick so I unsent all my messages to him and we deleted each other off of Facebook. We stayed on Instagram though. And despite that he’s totally not my type and I wouldn’t want anything with him, he is a decent guy (a bit of an alcoholic and whatnot but overall decent) and I feel bad about leading him on YET AGAIN because I was all over the place today. I don’t know how to handle this. I know I can’t tell my boyfriend about it because of his own issues this would wreck him and definitely be the end of our relationship. But doing this, this made me feel so crap I just know I’ll never do it again, and it further cemented how I feel about him and how I really want to spend my life with him. And with the guy who I’m leading on, it was left at oh we’ll meet up sometime soon. But I don’t know what to do. Do I unsend the messages and block him? Yet again? Do I tell him I changed my mind? What if he gets pissed off and somehow informs my boyfriend? I probably deserve that and that’s honestly probably why this happened to begin with. Things are going so well and he’s so good for me I’m scared I’ll get hurt so I’m just hurting myself. But I can’t! I can’t do this ever again, I need to be with my boyfriend, he really makes my life better. Anyways, this is very long, but I’m looking for some advice if you all have any. Thank you.AngeGuest
I think you seriously need to think about being single for a while and staying away from dating until you’ve sorted yourself out. I’m sure it was nice to have a distraction from the old relationship by jumping into a new one but that doesn’t fix the problems, it just allows you to forget about them while you’re enjoying all that new relationship energy. You’re already talking about spending your life with this guy that you’ve only been dating a few months – long distance at that – yet you’re seeking validation from others this early on.
If your life is crappy fix your life, don’t add a boyfriend into it hoping they’ll magically make it all better. I apologise for being harsh but you’re not going to become someone who is great in relationships until you work on who you are.AprilGuest
Ange, I get your harshness. I still have no idea what to do about the guy I’m leading on. Do I just up and block him? Do I tell him I’m uninterested randomly yet again? Again as far as this new relationship goes, I’ve known this guy for years and years so I think it’s reasonable wanting to settle down with him after a few months, buuuuut obviously not in the case of me being an absolute wreck in this department.AprilGuest
I’m so nauseous and I just don’t know what to do or say to make this other guy go away in an easy manner. Because no matter what happens with me and the long distance bf, I don’t want to have a fling with this other guy. I’m such an idiot.AprilGuest
Okay so, latest update. I can’t sleep at all, because I’m so wound. I think despite the needing sleep thing, I sent Guy I Was Leading On a message telling him I’m sorry and I know I’m [insert a string of things here] but that I’ve been so all over the place this past week and making rash decisions and getting other people to help me ruin my life that I need to stop it, and that I was sorry for getting him involved but I need to stop it. So hopefully that’s settled and I’ll unfriend/block when it’s cooled down.
Oh my word. I was asleep and didn’t see this, but all you had to do was stop messaging the guy. That’s it. You can stop messaging someone at any time with no explanation. Do not reply to anything this guy might message back to you. You have to stop.
Are you getting professional help for your anxiety? That should be your only priority right now, to work on your mental health, and not by yourself, with a therapist.
I do agree with Ange that it sounds like you jumped into this relationship to avoid the pain of a breakup and being single, and maybe you’re thinking it is going to rescue you from your family situation. But it’s possible, even probable, that settling down with him isn’t the right thing for you.AprilGuest
Sorry Ange & Kate & anyone else who happens to read this. I was having a hypomanic episode and everything was just so wound and crazy. I stopped seeing my therapist a couple months ago because of financial restraints, but obviously that’s a major problem & I need to find some cheaper therapy in the meantime. As far as the “just don’t respond” thing – I know that’s absolutely common sense, yet last night and actually many times in the past (you’d think I’d learn) when there’s something / someone where you just shouldn’t message or respond to or you need to walk away or stuff like that, it’s as if I don’t even see that as an option even though it’s the most basic option there is. So anyways yes. I have issues & I’ll be finding cheaper therapy / getting back to therapy today. I had messaged the guy I was leading on and say I was going a bit crazy and sorry but I was leading him on. He understood and now we’re done messaging. As far as my boyfriend I have a lot of thinking to do. And generally speaking, I have a lot of thinking to do. Or maybe less of it seeing my brain gets so wound & gets in overdrive. Either way, I’m calmer this morning, ended the leading on, and I’m going to force myself to find therapy again.
Okay, good, it definitely sounds like you need to keep working with a therapist on coping strategies.
It really is a red flag for me that you two are planning to “settle down” together having only ever been in a relationship long-distance. I get that you were friends first, but what’s missing here is the experience of being in a romantic relationship while dating and spending time together in person on a daily basis. That all needs to happen for a substantial period of time before you commit to anything or think about moving in together.ronGuest
I don’t know if it’s even a possible thing for you to do, but if you possibly can, you need to disengage from your family’s problems, or at least largely back away. That seems to be the root of much of your problem. Is it really necessary for you to stay connected to the family drama?
Good that you are trying to find a way to get back to therapy with someone. You say you suffer from anxiety and depression and have had to stop therapy for financial reasons. You don’t mention dealing with a doctor who is able to prescribe medication for anxiety and depression. That may help and your family physician may be able to start to fill that void.anonymousseParticipant
You need to get back into therapy or look into possibly a psychiatrist if you are interested in medication for your mania and anxiety.
I agree with much that has been written.
You should tell your bf the truth of what you did and why. Be honest with him. It’s not fair to decide that since what you did is a dealbreaker for him, he can’t know. That’s not how it works in mature adult relationships.
And you should probably not be in a relationship when your self esteem and confidence is so low that you look for validation from men you say you don’t even like. You brush it off but that’s alarming to me that you seek attention from guys you don’t even like to lift you up and it makes you actually feel horrible and you know this is how you self sabotage, but is it okay if you just pretend it didn’t happen this time? No. I don’t think so. Don’t sweep this under the rug. You need to address this in yourself.
You also know that you self sabotage and overthink, so start working on finding coping skills for yourself to not do those things so much. Therapy is great for that, but you seem pretty aware of your issues and can do some with self help books or online stuff. Use mantras, belly breathing, shutting your phone off, taking a walk, exercise, etc. You are fully aware of what your pattern is, so work on changing the way you handle yourself. It sounds like you need additional professional help though. I am not judging you, but your behavior/justification is a little disturbing. I mean I know you didn’t cheat on your bf, but I think you should be honest. You owe that to him.
I think before doing or saying anything else, you should talk to a therapist. I don’t know if in the mental state you’re in, it’s a good idea to make an emotional confession to your boyfriend. There may be a way to tell him that you’re feeling so all over the place that you’ve found yourself messaging a guy from your past and then immediately regretting it, but I think you should talk to someone before doing that.CopaParticipant
I’m glad you plan to get back into therapy because nothing about this sounds “shockingly healthy.” It sounds the opposite. You don’t seem to fare well sitting with uncomfortable emotions — you jumped into a new boyfriend to cushion the loss of your past relationship, you had strong feelings about your family so you reached out to another guy for validation. A therapist can help you with this. I do think you owe your boyfriend honesty about where you are mentally/emotionally and what you’ve been up to. And I agree with @Ange that you should be single and focus on yourself for awhile.
FWIW, I was raised by parents with a deeply dysfunctional relationship that persists to this day despite their divorce, which affected me pretty deeply and this spilled over into my relationships (platonic and romantic). Therapy has helped me immensely and is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I improved my coping skills, learned about my attachment style and how to set boundaries, etc. Please do find one you like and trust.