man venting and looking for help … not sure what to do

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  • Mike
    December 14, 2022 at 10:55 am #1117139

    I’m 38, I have been married for 6 yrs. I love my wife. She is a great person and very sweet, we still have sex at least once a week, and this is fine with me sometimes I don’t even want that much. I enjoy most of our time together. Sometimes she annoys and frustrates me. I am not unhappy, but I am also not happy I don’t know how to define my state. In our 6-year marriage I have had 3 times where I felt truly unhappy, and I pushed through, and things got better in a month or so. We have 4 children, 14-19. 2 each from pervious marriages that our spouses cheated on us in.
    I realized I don’t want to be married any longer and I feel bad because she does, she talks about grandchildren and retirement. Also, I don’t want to just stick around and wait the 5 yrs. till everyone graduates because that is also unfair to her. I had a thought that if everyone got into an accident and died my life would be easier. This is a messed-up thought. I don’t want that really, but the fact that it even occurred makes me wonder if maybe I need to get out, or maybe I am just beyond help. Honestly, she deserves a partner who wants to be in the relationship.
    I have stayed in a Job that is not convent, so that she could change careers paths to do something she loves. I don’t hate it I think its just the 15 yrs. At the same place makes things stale. Also a new job would also grow old eventually.
    I do my best to help I cook, clean and drive children to all needed activities. I am putting forth the effort in hopes I can fake it till I make it, but it has been 4 months and I still feel it. I not selfish I do my best to sacrifice for my family I work extra hours to make sure we have money for what everyone needs, and I stay up late (11p) because my wife is a night owl and that’s when we spend time together. I then get up between 4-4:30a to get to work on time which is over an 1hr 20 min (50 miles one way) I do this because this job allows her to work her dream job also 15 years at a company is nothing to throw away. This is the first year that the drive has started to bother me. I don’t hold any grudges I know that it is what everyone wonders, but I am happy she gets to do it; it is actually a reason I feel bad for leaving because she would have to change jobs and make more to survive. Also, my 2 kids would probably end up changing schools and that’s unfair to them. Also, the emotional trauma of another divorce. I guess I am just not sure what I should do I feel like I am wasting her time and I need to get off the pot in a manner. But at the same time it is a big life altering choice.
    I have these urges to just leave sometimes I feel like that is not normal. None of this feels normal … I am seeking out a councilor for help incase anyone is wondering. I also have no interest in another relationship there is not anyone else.

    December 14, 2022 at 11:37 am #1117142

    Go see a therapist if you can’t find the words to define your state and you’re actually going to the extreme if thinking dy8ng would be easier on anyone.

    My god, your children can cope with a divorce, especially if you get them help and support for that- also therapy.

    Get help for yourself, it sounds like maybe you are also depressed generally and have you considered medication? Call you Dr. Your normal dr and tell he, you are depressed. They’ll make you fill out some forms about your feelings. Then they might prescribe you a common antidepressant or refer you to a psychiatrist who can. I would really encourage the doctor route, a therapist or counselor can help you plan an easier transition through another divorce, get a divorce or work whatever- maybe the meds will really help and you’ll feel differently- IDK I am no doctor- and then sort your life out.

    Do not consider suicide. You will destroy your children and ex wife and leave an irreparable hole, most likely. Good lord. Please, call your general practitioner today and ask for an appt.

    December 14, 2022 at 12:52 pm #1117147

    I thought of depression too. Also marriages go through phases. Not happy and exciting 24/7. But you really need to see a Dr. and talk to a therapist to see what is really going on and how it can be fixed. Best wishes.

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    December 14, 2022 at 1:13 pm #1117148

    Agreed that therapy and managing your depression should be the first step. It’s not uncommon for the happiness of folks around middle age who are dealing with multiple big life stressors at once (like raising families and career demands) to take a hit, but you can get help for it.

    I don’t know if divorce is the right option for you, however, I have parents who stayed together for a short list of very bad reasons and I promise it’s worse than having divorced parents. (I also changed schools on average every year and a half for unrelated reasons. They will be fine on that front, too.)

    December 14, 2022 at 3:22 pm #1117152

    I agree therapy is going to really help. I think you have to dig deeper into what’s really bothering you. Perhaps you feel that you’re sacrificing more than your partner so she has more flexibility with her career. Maybe you’re feeling unappreciated for what you contribute at home (although when you say you “help” that implies that it’s her job and you’re helping her – you live there, you make messes, your kids make messes, it’s your job too – might be worth taking a closer look at the division of labor (including social calendar, and all of the soft tasks like remembering birthdays) and seeing if you are doing the lions’ share).

    But it sounds like you feel stuck or you’re in a rut or something needs to change. You love this person, but don’t want to stay married – why not? What would need to change to stay married? How would your life be easier if you divorced?

    December 14, 2022 at 3:50 pm #1117153

    God no wonder you’re depressed, you’re tired man! Start trying to get to bed earlier, 5 or so hours of sleep then a long commute would make anyone feel down. I know it’s when you spend time with your wife but did your own health you need to work out better how to manage that and see if she’ll work with you.

    December 14, 2022 at 4:00 pm #1117154

    Honestly please just leave. This idea of it being easier if everyone just died is sick and twisted and actually horrifying because, you know, men get to that point where they do just kill their whole family.

    If you’ve had multiple periods in a 6 year marriage where you’re super unhappy, you shouldn’t be in that marriage. Just get out. They’ll be fine. Move on.

    December 14, 2022 at 4:04 pm #1117155

    No really, it’s all right here:

    “I realized I don’t want to be married any longer and I feel bad because she does, she talks about grandchildren and retirement. Also, I don’t want to just stick around and wait the 5 yrs. till everyone graduates because that is also unfair to her. I had a thought that if everyone got into an accident and died my life would be easier.”

    You don’t want to be married any longer. Get out!

    December 14, 2022 at 10:32 pm #1117157

    Stop lying to your wife and leave, everyone will be fine. Kids are destroyed when their parents divorce and then their dad or mom suddenly decide they are no longer parents any longer. That’s why kids get screwed up. If you want your kids to be happy and well, model taking care of yourself, getting help, communicating honestly in relationships, acting with integrity, being a man of your word, and above ALL treating their mother with respect.

    Your wife says those things to you because that’s what people do when they are married and assume they are in love. If she knew how you felt, her fantasy would change to leaving you, meeting someone else and doing those things. You feel guilty because you are pretending. Why are you?

    If you want a place to “vent” and role play these thoughts, you need a therapist, not this site. We’re real people, don’t make us call 911 on your ass. Kate has your IP address, she’s an admin.

    December 14, 2022 at 10:34 pm #1117158

    I’m kidding, unless you really made a threat we would never. But good lord, “my family will crumble if I leave, I must leave myself permanently from this plant so as to not hurt them.”

    How does that make sense to you?

    I am no fan of my father but I don’t think I’d be happy if he killed himself. Don’t be stupid.

    December 14, 2022 at 10:34 pm #1117159


    December 15, 2022 at 8:16 am #1117161

    There is language and ideation in this post that makes me uncomfortable, the kind of thing I haven’t even seen on DW before but gives me echoes of true crime docs.

    Also, it’s like… I don’t know how to put this, but everything you mention is totally logistical. You try to help around the house. Your kids might have to switch schools. Your wife might have to switch jobs. You’d have another failed marriage. There’s nothing here about any feelings that you have for each other, other than I guess that she annoys you sometimes. There’s no mention of, like, wanting to somehow get back to how things were in the beginning. It’s not, “I want to find a way to get back to when we were happy,” it’s, “I sometimes secretly wish they’d all die.” I feel like that’s a manifestation of toxic masculinity. There’s no musing on how your wife might be feeling, even. Or any indication that you’ve ever talked to her or thought of talking to her about how you feel.

    Anyway. I really do think you should get out. Normally I’d say talk to her, do the work, make changes, but I don’t see that working for you.

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man venting and looking for help … not sure what to do

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