Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

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  • #968407 Reply

    Hey! My name’s Trey and I’ve been married to my wife for a little over 2 years now. We were absolute high school sweethearts and got married at 18 and 19. I’m now 22 and my wife is 20 and she’s been growing into a different person over the course of our marriage. I think growing into a new or better person is something that happens to everyone and it is, most of the time, something amazing to see! I’ve grown myself over the course of our marriage and I’m happy with what we’ve learned from each other. The problem is that my wife is queer. She thinks she could be gay or bisexual or asexual or just any number of things. I’m very pro LGBTQ and my wife and I have dozens of friends involved with that community or a part of the community that we openly support, so accepting her for who she is is no problem to me whatsoever. The only issue is where do we go from here. I love her so much and I don’t want to hold her back from a future where she can be herself and be proud of it, but she isn’t sure what to do either. She wants to stay with me but also knows she wants to try to figure something out with who she really is. The biggest issue for her is she’s closeted from everyone but me, save a few friends. I think she’s scared of what people will say and what they will expect us to do moving forward. No matter her decision I love and support her no matter how much it hurts, I just have no idea what to do. I feel lost, and confused, and just stranded almost. I want to support her and help her achieve her goal but I honestly don’t know how long it will take me to get over her either. I love her so much. It’s a very strange situation and I’m just begging for anyone’s opinion at this point. Help .-.

    #968412 Reply

    Contact PFLAG. Search for their online support groups. You are not the first couple to go through this. I personally know 4 people who were in a hetro marriage when they realized they weren’t hetro. Each took different paths. All of them took a year+ to figure out what they wanted. Figuring out who you are & what you want takes some time. Especially when you’re so young. Get therapy &/or marriage counseling if at all possible. Stay away from religious therapists & make sure they’re LGBTQ friendly. I’m so glad you’re supportive of your wife, no doubt she is too.

    #968413 Reply

    I mean, know that you can support her and be her friend but not be married to her. If you want different things, don’t have a fulfilling sex life, and/or are growing in different directions, it’s ok to move on from your marriage. What you shouldn’t do is lose sight of what you really want and need. You don’t need to be her shelter while she figures her stuff out and wants to appear to be in a conventional heterosexual marriage. What do YOU want? If you want a conventional marriage and family, you should probably dissolve this marriage and be free to heal and then meet new people. You can remain friends with your wife.

    Or you can wait a bit for her to figure it out if you’re open to that. Of course the answer may not be clear. She may need to experiment with others. She may ultimately decide she’s not attracted to men, or that this marriage isn’t for her.

    Really think about what you actually want though. Your needs are as important as hers.

    #968414 Reply

    I know Dear Abby recommends The Straight Spouse Network as a resource when one spouse comes out – it’s a community where people seek support for this exact question. Also, I think it’s time to seek counseling both individually and as a couple. Make sure the therapists you choose are LGBTQ friendly.

    You were teenagers when you got married, and it’s great that you recognize that huge changes happen in the years after that. This is a really hard situation and it’s wonderful that your love for her is at the center of your decisions, even if that means you don’t stay married. There are options here – maybe you explore ethical non monogamy, maybe you explore her identity in other ways (joining local groups, getting involved in lgbtq organizations, she decides to come out to more people etc) and reasses every few months. Maybe you make a clean break. But if you’re both genuinely unsure where to go from here (as in there is a sincere desire to possibly stay married, not just to avoid hurting you or accept the truth) then I’d start counseling together and separately and take a look at the straight spouse network.

    #968415 Reply

    Like others have said, your wants and needs matter too. You don’t have to put yourself on the back burner while your wife figures out what she wants. You & her would benefit from separate support groups or counseling. While she’s thinking about what she wants you need to be thinking about what you want. If you want a monogamous heterosexual marriage that doesn’t make you a bad ally or a homophobe. Maybe you’re better off as friends. I’m curious why you guys rushed into marriage so young. Was religion involved in the decision? Was she maybe denying to herself her sexuality?

    #968436 Reply

    Get out. It will be better for both of you if you end things as soon as possible.

    I want you to think ahead five years from now. What is the scenario that comes from staying together? She’s miserable in an opposite sex marriage and you’re feeling endlessly rejected by a partner that isn’t interested in you sexually? You live with a wife that has romantic partnerships with other people? There is no endgame where you live happily ever after together. There may be endgames where you both go off and have happy lives with other people. Rip off the band aid now and end your marriage.

    Support her as a friend if you want but do not stay in this marriage. The fact that she figured this out now, and not ten years from now when you have kids together is a gift. Do not squander that gift. Get out.

    I know that getting over her sounds scary, but you are 22. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do not squander more of it on this marriage.

    #968447 Reply

    I am very curious what the motivation to marry as teenagers was. Because, as snarky as this sounds, there is a reason most people wait until they are older, when they know themselves more before tying themselves to another person legally. This situation isn’t that strange when you consider how young you both were (and are!)

    I agree that it’s probably for the best for you to leave this marriage. That doesn’t mean you are abandoning her, or can’t be friends or be supportive, it just means that you recognize that this isn’t going to work for you. Your feelings matter, too. You don’t have to sit idly by.You don’t have to be her beard while she figures out what she wants. Whether she is doing this consciously or not, it does seem like she’s trying to extricate herself from you slowly, in tiny increments when the reality is she is just not that into you.

    #968462 Reply

    eh… your wife is using you as cover. as a handy walk-in / eat the pussy of other women closet. she is also only expressing a desire to remain with you and out of fear of being alone. it’s ALL utter bullshit. wah, wah, she’s confused. hah!

    no, she’s not. she’s a fucking coward.

    NEWSFLASH: the very minute she has some hot and clueless lesbian fall for her —- she’ll dump you like a hot potato. this is a very common story of pathetic and closeted cowardly homosexuals.

    frankky, i think its both pathetic and reprehensible for her to have pulled this shit on you in 2020. it’s NOT 1980.

    if you want to remain friends… end this marriage NOW. before you REALLY get hurt. but whatever you do —- watch your back. and your bank account.

    #968463 Reply

    “She thinks she could be gay or bisexual or asexual or just any number of things.”

    Wifey doesn’t know her sexuality, so she wants to explore. Why would she think she is Asexual but wants to explore with same sex? You can be attracted to women without being a lesbian. You can be attracted to other people without cheating. I don’t really get that one minute she might be asexual, to gay, or bisexual. She just sounds confused.
    Forget what she wants, what do you want? Do you want to have an open marriage (Polyamory) and share the wifey or do you want a more monogamous relationship? It’s okay to want what you want and have it.

    I think getting a divorce is the realistic options here before anyone gets too emotionally and financially involved. You can remain friends and continue supporting her.

    #968464 Reply

    BGM and Karebear nailed it. Your wife is using you and spewing B.S. She is using you as a safe closet from which to have sex with other women, while sticking to someone’s (likely her birth family’s) concept of propriety. She simply cannot honestly think that she is both bisexual and asexual. I’m guessing the asexual part is gaslighting you, to explain why she no longer wants to have sex with you.

    You love her and you are her friend. Leave while that friendship is intact. Perhaps stay for a few months while she works with a therapist who specializes in closeted LGBTQ, to ease the transition for her, as you seem to want to ease her transition. Then get out.

    You need to face the fact that you need to build a new life with a new SO. If you get out soon, while the two o you are still on loving friendly terms, you might be able to keep your wife as a friend, once you each find a new SO. Until that point, you both need to find your new path, with minimum or no contact with each other.

    It’s great that you love and support your wife, but it is going to become self destructive if you persist in this approach. I know you are hoping that she will find herself and that this self will be one who wants to be your wife. She raised the issue, because she has basically decided that she no longer wants to be your lover.

    #968466 Reply

    Ron calling bs on the asexual thing is 100% correct. She is using that lie as a handy little smokesceeen for why she has stopped sleeping with you…

    #968467 Reply

    Yeah, I don’t buy the “maybe I’m asexual” comment either. I’m guessing she is not intimate with you, or rarely, right? I think it’s an excuse. I’m not saying she’s a bad person, but like I said in my earlier comment, you deserve a fulfilling sex life, and you don’t need to let her hide in your marriage while she figures her shit out.

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