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Dear Wendy

Marriage problems

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  • #1056353 Reply
    avatarLita
    Guest

    Me and my husband have been married for 9 months and I’m really starting to question if we should stay together. It feels like we don’t spend a lot out time together and when we do, both of us, but especially my husband, are on our phones. He’s constantly playing games or chatting with friends and it never feels like I’m a priority to him. I also discovered that he talks about me behind my back to his friends. Complaining we don’t have enough sex, not sticking up for me when his friend pretends to not know my name, among other things. And it feels like we spend most of time fighting it not talking at all. I know I’m not blameless and have faults of my own but I feel really betrayed by him bad mouthing me. Is this something I just need to get over?

    #1056483 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    If you are going to exit this marriage, now is the easiest time to do it, before your lives become more intertwined. Perhaps before you make that decision you should ask yourself why you decided to marry this man and what has changed since you married. Have you discussed your issues with your husband? Do you think marriage counseling might help.

    How do you know what your husband says about you? How much sex is not enough for him? Did you have sex together prior to marriage?

    What do the two of you talk about

    #1056555 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Yeah. Sometimes complaining that one doesn’t have enough sex is less idle gossip and more mere statement of fact. 🤷‍♂️

    #1056615 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Have you told him this?

    Yeah, I think it sounds like your marriage is not the best.

    Why did you marry him?

    #1056819 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    This sounds very unsatisfactory, I reckon it wouldn’t hurt to go to couple’s counselling if you think it could be saved. Are you very young? I’d say time to see if you have something worth saving and it may be that outside help might make it clearer.Mismatched sexual needs can be overcome if that’s the only thing and there is no shame in owning what you want/don’t want, but you definitely need to find a way to communicate better.

    #1056965 Reply
    avatarLita
    Guest

    I’m not as worried about our sex life, I know that’s something we can work on. It’s more what he’s saying behind my back. I’ll own up that I read through his messenger chat which is how I found out he was talking about me. I’m not proud of that and I know that’s a violation of trust. But I’m just really hurt and betrayed that he’s discussing really personal private things with his friends and bad mouthing me. And who knows what he’s saying in person. I don’t know how to move on from it.

    #1057459 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Have you talked to him about it?

    Why did you marry him? Seriously, why? Do you love him? If you do, it’s worth trying to fix things.

    If you want to be in this marriage, you have to tell him you snooped, what you saw, and how it made you feel. That’s how you try to move on, by communicating your feelings and needs. And talking about issues as they come up, instead of snooping and being silently upset at what you find.

    If you can’t talk about things without arguing, you could invest in couples counseling. But you both need to want to make it work and be open with each other.

    #1057492 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    “I’m not as worried about our sex life, I know that’s something we can work on. It’s more what he’s saying behind my back”

    I mean, this is a problem that has ended lots of marriages and a really bad sign that you are having these kinds of problems nine months in. I think that it’s not a great sign that your response is to assume that it’s not REALLY an issue and the bigger problem is that he spoke to someone else about what is once again, a marriage-ending problem for other couples. Has he discussed it with you?

    #1057555 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    You need to tell him what you found, in the office of a couple’s therapist. If you already know the marriage is dead or he refuses to go to therapy, it’s time to bounce. Set up appointments with a few attorneys before making any moves or telling him, and start counseling alone. Either way, counseling.

    #1057923 Reply
    avatardanielb
    Participant

    Yes, you can do something about it. Having this type of martial problem is common nowadays and it is likely to be the reason for his previous relationship that he is acting like such a person.
    Having to not pay attention to you and things going on in your life by your partner shows that he is not loyal at least he hasn’t been for a while.
    Badmouthing you behind your back is equal to emotional abuse which can later turn on to be physical abuse. If you want this to be prevented I suggest you sit with him and make him talk this through and if that isn’t working out, I suggest you get medical help from relationship therapists(https://www.cognitivebehaviourtherapytoronto.com/areas-of-specialty/couples-therapy/) who is expert in handling such situations.
    I hope you get through this situation you are going through.

    #1057930 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    It doesn’t really matter that you’re not very concerned with the problems in your sex life, because from what you’ve written, your husband is very concerned about it. Do the two of you talk about this problem with each other? He seems to feel the need to discuss and get advice from his friends, which likely means his discussions with you are unsatisfactory or almost nonexistent. Did you even know that he felt this was a big problem prior to snooping? On the other hand, here are you discussing your concerns about his very personal discussions with his friends, rather than discussing your concerns directly with him.

    You seem unwilling or unable to say what attracted you to your husband, what you like about him, why you chose to marry him. That is important.

    You don’t say if your husband still seems to want to remain married to you or if he is as done with this marriage as you seem to be.

    You need to talk to a therapist. It’s really hard to tell where you are coming from. You seem very closed off. For example, you want only to talk about what you found when you snooped and how that upsets you. What caused you to snoop?

    #1058921 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    I’m seeing three things here:

    1. Now that you’re married, he no longer feels he has to woo you. He doesn’t have to listen or be attentive, as if the piece of paper should make you feel valued.

    2. Either the frequency of intimacy has dropped since the wedding (and if so, is it because of #1?_ OR he’s using that as an excuse to make “ball and chain” jokes which is disrespectful and doesn’t help alleviate the situation.

    3. He’s complaining about you – but he’s not talking to you directly. You guys have a big communication problem. Either you get into counseling with a neutral third party or this marriage is never going to last.

    P.S. Please do not get pregnant. Be extra cautious until you figure this out.

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