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Marriage problems

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  • #1059064 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    “3. He’s complaining about you – but he’s not talking to you directly. You guys have a big communication problem.”

    Is this true? She doesn’t sound surprised by the complaint. It sounds like she just doesn’t take it seriously.

    #1059228 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    I’m sorry —- but this whole pearl clutching about how he’s complaining about her behind her back is pretty rich.

    Damn near EVERY good friend I have that is married HAS complained or vented to me about their spouse. Often quite a bit. It’s normal!! PS —- This is equally true of both men and women in my world, and, thus hardly any great sin or betrayal.

    #1059237 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I actually don’t think it’s that normal or healthy to vent about your spouse to your friends. Do people do it? Sure. Is it a good idea? No. Vent to your therapist or divorce lawyer. Or to your spouse, actually!

    The problem with airing your dirty laundry outside a marriage is you are intending to be with that person for a lifetime, in a partnership. If you’re regularly bitching to everyone around you, it can be a real invasion of the spouse’s privacy, and also taint people’s opinions of them going forward in a way that might not even be fair, and that YOU might not want. It also frankly burdens your friends or family members who you’re doing it to. It can be too much.

    People should be dealing with these problems directly, imo, rather than gossiping to friends. Or leave if it’s that bad.

    #1059253 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    No constant bitching, but the idea that a guy is complaining to a male friends about what I suspect is a very legitimate lack of sex is hardly much of a betrayal.

    PS — Exactly what fantasy land do you live in where everybody has ample money to blow on therapists?

    #1059258 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I’ve never paid for therapy, other than like a $20 copay. It’s often included in your health insurance. There are online options now too.

    Can everyone access free therapy? No, but it’s fairly widely available.

    #1059268 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    The odds that somebody in their 2Os has health insurance that happily helps pays for therapy are pretty low.

    Most insurance is a fucking joke.

    #1059284 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Um ok, but when I was in my 20s with a regular office job I had access to it. It’s pretty common.

    #1059289 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Even now, I have marketplace insurance through MA, because I’m a contractor and my husband works for a Canadian company, and it’s a pretty basic plan but it does cover this stuff.

    #1059359 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    I grew up in two households and it was an unwritten rule that you just don’t spend time bitching about your partner to your friends and family. As I got older I noticed that there were definitely people who did this, but that never seemed respectful. Bitching about your partner only serves one purpose: you want someone outside of your marriage to confirm that you’re right (with only half of the information). It solves nothing. It digs the other person in to a position.

    And while not everyone can afford therapy, therapy is probably cheaper than divorce at this point.

    #1059428 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    “And while not everyone can afford therapy, therapy is probably cheaper than divorce at this point.”

    Only if therapy can save the marriage, and LW has given no indication that it can, although she has really said very little at all. This marriage has barely begun. Divorce is cheaper and simpler than it will ever be.

    Asked what she ssaw in this guy which led her to marry him or how things were prior to marriage, she is unresponsive. I think they are just not a match. She was snooping prior to knowing he was talking about their relationship.

    Both seem totally dismissive of the other and they don’t seem to communicate at all, at least meaningfully about their problems.

    #1059436 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    I would never say anything about my husband that I wouldn’t say to his face. I do think LW is shrugging off what he said about their sex life because its not as important to her as it is to him.

    I’m in the south and there are no therapists around here who take insurance. I haven’t tried to find one lately, and I didn’t try online, but when I did search for an affordable therapist a few years ago I came up empty. And we have the best insurance. My husband works for a Canadian company. Loooove Canadian benefits

    #1059442 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Just chiming in to say my divorce at 28 would have cost only a few hundred dollars (no lawyer needed, just filing fees), because we didn’t own any property or have kids.

    There was a complication when I bought a condo from my parents before we were fully divorced. He could have contested that, so a payout was needed for his share of the equity. That’s when things can get $$.

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