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Married and living with a roommate

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This topic contains 16 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar JD 3 months ago.

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  • #752640 Reply
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    Stella M.

    My fiancé and I are getting married in August. We currently live with a roommate, who also happens to be our best friend. We all get along and we have absolutely no complaints about living with our friend. My fiancé and I are thinking about getting our own place after we wed, but feel guilty if we move out because we know that our friend wouldn’t be able to afford living on his own. We also know that our friend is not okay with finding a rommmate who is a stranger. So now we are torn between getting our own place, or living with our friend for another year for his sake because we obviously don’t want him to struggle financially. Any advice?

    #752641 Reply
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    Ale
    Member

    Sit down and have this conversation with him. He is probably thinking the same thing as you, wondering what’s going to happen when you are married. He should be taking steps to give you the privacy you need. Do it now, so he still has 3 months to figure it out.

    #752642 Reply

    I think you two should do whatever is right for you while treating your friend fairly. Fair to me would be giving him adequate notice and helping him move when the time comes. His issues with finances or other roommates are his to deal with. Offer advice if he asks but he’s an adult and can handle this. Honestly, he should be expecting it. There aren’t too many married couples still living with their bestie. Don’t feel guilty, this is part of life.

    #752643 Reply
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    JD

    Ya. Just talk to him. I’d never live with roommates and my partner but it seems to have been ok for you. No roommate situation is forever though. He likely expects it.

    #752644 Reply
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    Stella M.

    Another thing I forgot to mention was that our friend had plans on moving out to go back to school this fall. But now that the fall is drawing closer, he has ultimately changed his mind. In the past, we had told him he could continue living with us if his school plans fall through, not thinking that they ever would. But now that it has become more of a reality, we realized we kind of, for lack of a better phrase, shot ourselves in the foot with that promise. This definitely plays into our guilt should we decide to go back on our word and move out…

    #752646 Reply
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    brise

    Yes, tell him now, so he can organise it in the best conditions for him. End of summer is a good time to find a roommate. Be honest and all will be good.He may find an other friend and have a good new situation, but this is on him. Marriage supposes intimacy.

    #752648 Reply

    Yeah, you should not have made that offer (not sure I would call it a promise)because now you have to revoke it. You’re entitled to change your mind, just like he did. A real friend you can be honest with. Lay your cards on the table—that you want to live alone as a married couple. Anyone who gets in a twist over that isn’t much of a friend.

    #752649 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Tell him that the two of you have realized that when you are married you need to live alone, just the two of you. Tell him you realize you need to do that to start you marriage off right. Then add that you are sorry to change plans on him but you need to prioritize your marriage because you want it to last.

    #752650 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Honestly it shows profound lack of awareness to not even consider that if your 2 friends get married to each other, they might like to stop living with a roommate.
    If it really hasn’t crossed his mind that you guys might like to live on your own as newlyweds then he’s not paying much attention. If it has crossed his mind but he thinks he can guilt you into staying because he doesn’t want to live with a stranger, then he’s making this awkward, not you.

    He has 3 months to find a new place (and would have had longer if he were self-aware) which is enough time to be picky and ensure that the person he lives with isn’t a total stranger, by like… meeting them a few times before moving in?

    Dude’s an adult, his finances and his fear of strangers are not your problem to manage.

    #752655 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Please -this roommate is an adult. Adult enough to live independently-ish. You are not responsible for managing this person’s feelings or thinking about whether they can find a roommate with whom to live. If you and your fiance want to live with this person, fine. If you want to live just the two of you -90 days is plenty of time to say “Hey, we’ve made a decision, we wanted to give you as much time as possible but we need to this to happen by this date.” the rest is up to him.

    He’s not your child. He’s your friend. You don’t have to manage his emotions and his neuroses for him.

    #752657 Reply
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    Autumnrose
    Member

    The best you can be is honest with him. Both you and husband sit down and tell him. Like the others have said, give a fair warning of of when you will move out and in the mean time help him look for a roommate Or help him look for another place. However, If you signed a lease you are obligated to fulfill your contract according to the lease which I know you didn’t go into detail about that but I just wanted to do an fyi. Would the contract run up before the I Dos or after. Or were you be willing to break the contract and pay extra. Thats not really hear nor there on what you are asking advice on but just some input.

    #752658 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Him not wanting to live with strangers is a preference, not something he is entitled to. Any adult who can’t afford to live by themselves has to be open to that because you can’t control what your friends do.

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