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Married but feelings for a co-worker

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar bloodymediocrity 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #836720 Reply
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    ann94
    Member

    Hi All,

    I have been married to my husband for 5 years and been in a relationship for over a decade now. But lately, in the past couple of months, an innocent friendship with a co-worker (who is married as well) sparked feelings for him. He probably knows as I gave him a hint and maybe he has feelings for me as well, not sure at this point. And when I say feelings, it’s emotional and not really physical. We share a lot of interests like music, our field of work and movies. We connected instantly.

    We hardly talk or text anymore, actually he stopped initiating conversations, outside of work which is for the best I believe.

    But I see him everyday and we work in the same team so he sits right across me in my office space. We talk normally with each other and sometimes it feels ok but then feelings come rushing back at certain times especially when we gaze into each other’s eyes. It’s super hard for me!
    Please help!!!!!

    #836733 Reply
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    JD
    Member

    It’s not unheard of to have a crush on someone while in a relationship but if you want your marriage to work you should look at what problems exist thay is causing you to focus your emotional energy on another person. No good will come of it. You didn’t ask a question so not sure what advice you are seeking but focusing on your marriage is always the answer.

    #836755 Reply
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    Miss MJ

    So, first, this guy made it clear that he has no interest in pursuing anything romantic with you when he stopped communicating with you outside of work after you … made it known you had feelings for him. He’s been clear that he isn’t interested. Respect that. Don’t flirt with him, either at work or otherwise; don’t reach to him for non-work reasons; and stay strictly professional. You risk your job and reputation if you don’t. (And also, your marriage.) Second, go see a therapist, either alone or with your husband to identify what’s missing in your life or marriage that’s pushing you to hit on your co-workers.

    #836756 Reply
    Lucidity
    Lucidity

    “He probably knows as I gave him a hint…”

    This statement makes me concerned for your marriage. It’s completely normal to have crushes, but when you’re in a happy, loving marriage, you don’t make advances, however subtle, towards the person you’re crushing on. You scale back your interactions with them, you distract yourself whenever you find yourself staring at or thinking about them, and you redirect that energy back into your marriage. You realize that part of the excitement of a crush comes from never having to go grocery shopping together or pick up his dirty socks. If you had to talk about your finances or the logistics of traveling to your in-laws’ for the holidays with your crush, instead of about movies and music, the novelty would soon wear off.

    Examine your motivations for dropping hints closely. Were you were hoping to find out if he feels the same way? Were you trying to signal that you’d be open to an affair? Are you unhappy in your marriage? Would you and your husband benefit from marriage counseling, or would you benefit from therapy on your own?

    The fact that your co-worker has stopped initiating conversations outside of work is a clear sign that he knows what you were hinting at and he wants to shut it down. Whether or not he shares your feelings is irrelevant – for him, his marriage is his priority and he does not want you to pursue this. Follow his lead. You are playing with fire. If he tells other co-workers about the hint you dropped, and you become known as someone looking to cheat on your husband, you risk permanent damage to your professional reputation.

    If it’s possible, request a desk change so you can’t see him from where you’re sitting. If not, get a photo of your husband to place at your desk so that every time you feel tempted to “gaze into his eyes”, you can look at your husband instead, and think about all the reasons you married him. Spent some more one-on-one time with your husband. Plan a romantic date or go for a walk or find a new activity to try together.

    #836757 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    Everything @lucidity said. I have nothing to add.

    #836949 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I don’t think you two are gazing into each other’s eyes, since upon him finding out you like him, he’s tried to disengage from you. Most likely, you are staring and him and he’s noticing.

    Crushes for married people aren’t a big deal unless you make them one. You are making this one. By you attempting to have an emotional relationship with this guy, you are doing a lot more than just “having feelings.”

    You need to stop spending time gazing at him and obsessing over this. Probably seeing a therapist would be a good idea. I’m not sure if this is just a YOU issue where individual therapy is enough or if you and your husband are having other problems, but marriage counseling might be good too.

    #836959 Reply

    You don’t have to act on every feeling or crush that you have. You have self control. It’s time to exercise that skill and focus on your career and your marriage, which might need a little boost to get you back on track. Can you go away for a weekend or take a longer trip soon?

    I think it’s time to ask to switch desks with someone else and stay busy enough that you don’t have a spare moment to stare into his eyes. You crossed a line by “hinting” about your feelings. Never do that again.

    #836969 Reply
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    Fyodor

    How is your relationship with your husband? You don’t say anything about it

    #837029 Reply
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    ann94
    Member

    Thank you all for your thoughts.
    Some of you mentioned about my “hinting” to him about my feelings. Just to give more on context on that:
    Actually, his wife was traveling internationally for a month and we took a office trip out of town during that time and that’s when this whole thing began.

    When she returned was when I realized I let this go too far and I basically told him he needs to get back to his reality and didn’t indulge the late night chat that he used to initiate everyday. He asked me if I was doing okay cause he felt I was a little off my usual self that day and I said I am just looking out for myself and that I can’t share much with him on what was going on.

    That’s what I meant by hinting, I really didn’t want to bring it up with him and will never do.

    I somehow didn’t want to lose his friendship and continued chatting for a couple of days after but something triggered him to stop the chats.

    #837031 Reply
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    ann94
    Member

    Regarding my marriage, I feel that my husband and I are comfortable with each other and have a sense of companionship and trust between us.

    But for some reason, it’s not the same kind of love anymore. Maybe the idea of intense love and emotional bond that you develop initially when you fall for someone is what stirred this up.

    I will take time off and work on my marriage. And maybe I need counseling but I am going to give myself a chance here and consciously focus on rekindling our relationship.

    Glad I reached out to you guys early enough! Gives me a chance to nip this in the bud.

    #837033 Reply

    He probably knows as I gave him a hint-

    That was a little confusing, thanks for clarifying.

    #837053 Reply

    If your relationship with your spouse is otherwise good, in general I’d say crushes aren’t that big of a deal as long as you aren’t acting on them, keeping communication with your crush secret, or other shady nonsense. It sounds like your marriage is good but with room for improvement. Take this as an early warning sign and see if you can’t bring some extra spark to the marriage.

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