fbpx
Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Meddling Mom

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Meddling Mom

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1101720 Reply
    Arlenne
    Guest

    I’m the eldest child of three and for all 29 years of my life I’ve never had benn into any romantic relationships until recently, I got boyfriend whom I know back then since I am younger. I’m pretty sure myself I am marrying this boy and we’re already planning for the future. My parents also know this boy and they’re quite fond of him because he’s very charismatic and down to earth. Things are going quite well until strange annoying things started happening. My boyfriend and I were on a date when my Mom keeps on calling every now and then, telling me to run errands on the way etc. The sond time was when I decided to celebrate New Year on the house of my boyfriend’s parents with his family, halfway through the celebration, she keeps on calling, telling me to go back home before midnight, interrupting my lovely conversation with my boyfriend’s younger siblings and parents. We have to go back whilst fireworks display, only to arrive at our house with everyone not sparing us a glance. The very recent one was just two nights ago, we have to go to a prayer vigil and there’s curfew at 9PM, I have to spend the rest of the night at my boyfriend’s house, and only to return back home at the end of curfew at 5AM. My mom was waiting at the door and then she just snapped at me. She was going through all those holier-than-thou sermons and why.. why do I have to freaking sleepover when I can return at the house at 8:30PM, straight to the whole thing she wants to point out from the very beginning: I ruined her reputation by me sending myself on my boyfriend’s door and she was guessing a lot of gossiping folks might have seen us. She told me I am a disgusting disgrace to her. I was aghast with all the words and why does she have to meddle with my private affairs. She didn’t do this when my secod sister eloped with her husband way back four years ago. I took a shower and decided not to say anything at all while dressing up for the day. I have to open my store at 6AM and the moment I left, I learned from my younger sister that my mom rummaged through my laundry basket, and checked my clothes. She found faint bloodstains at the seat of my shorts and underwear I’ve worn that night I had a sleepover at my boyfriend’s house. It was a disaster and I felt so exposed, so vulnerable, like my life is not my own. Why? Why does she have to do that?

    #1101723 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I can’t tell from reading this exactly what your mom’s problem is. And you’re not in the US so there are probably cultural things I don’t understand. It could be anything from, she doesn’t think this is the right guy for you to, she holds her oldest child to a different standard than the others, to, you’re actually breaking house rules that she set.

    But going through your laundry is crossing a line. That’s a huge inappropriate invasion of privacy. I lived at home until 21 and strongly feel my mom invaded my privacy by going through my stuff. Not my laundry necessarily, but things like my letters from my boyfriend stationed overseas. When I was younger, my diaries and notebooks. That was fucked up and wrong, but otherwise I had a lot of freedom to do what I wanted.

    If you were in the US, I’d say, you’re almost 30 years old, you need to move out of your mom’s house and into a place of your own, with roommates maybe if you can’t afford an entire apartment. Not move in with your boyfriend, but establish a life of your own, be independent. Is that a possibility for you? If not, why don’t you go for a walk or something with your mom and try to have a calm respectful conversation with her where you tell her you’ve noticed X behavior of hers while you’re with your boyfriend, tell her how it makes you feel, and ask her where she’s coming from? See if you can arrive at a compromise where she stays off your back and you don’t cross certain lines.

    #1101724 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    If I had to guess though, her specific behavior patterns indicate that as this relationship has gotten more serious, she’s worried about you being sexually active. From what you described, she’s been trying to get you to come home at night. Right?

    Are you being responsible and using birth control? Every single time? As recommended? Are you safe with your boyfriend? Then you’ve got nothing to worry about and can confidently tell her you’re an adult and you need her to trust you and not meddle.

    And one more thing, probably the reason she didn’t seem to get so upset about your sister eloping: she seems concerned about appearances. Your sister *got married* so your mom didn’t have to worry about the appearance of impropriety. She could tell herself and others a narrative about her daughter being married. With you, she’s worried about how it looks that you’re having premarital sex. You can address this either by being frank with her, OR just keeping it out of her face completely.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Kate.
    #1101729 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    Yeah, move out if you can. That will eliminate 90 percent of this.

    #1101732 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    So I am a dual citizen of the U.S. and another country, my mom was born and raised elsewhere, I was mostly raised in the U.S. and that’s how I identify culturally. And it was rough sometimes growing up with a parent who had different values than the society I was growing up in. Even when I’d gone off to school I remember things like coming home with my then-boyfriend, I was probably early 20s by then, and my mom would make us keep my bedroom door open if we were in my room. I moved back in with my parents in my mid-20s for a bit and had a different boyfriend then, he was early 30s and had his own place, and my mom would give me a lot of grief when I spent the night at his place. I felt embarrassed to be treated like a child. Meanwhile I’d hear about what my sister in Manhattan was up to and felt resentful that my mom didn’t worry about behavior she couldn’t see. Anyway, all this to say, I kinda get it.

    It really sounds like you and your mom have different, clashing values. Unfortunately I don’t think you will be able to reason with her on this, though I suppose you could try — but, really, it’d be about as effective as her trying to tell you your values are out of line or bad. I had to abide by my mom’s rules that I didn’t agree with when I lived at home. If you can move out, you should. If you can’t, I unfortunately think your hands will be tied a bit. Though at a minimum I’d try to address the name-calling because yikes!

    #1101827 Reply
    Arlenne
    Guest

    It’s not just about that. There are many things that I’ve been blind to before but took notice now. I’ve said before that I have a store, right? When my mom turned over the legal permits and the rights to operate to me back then, I have assumed that I have all the rights to do whatever I feel like is right and good. Since I have started managing it and made several changes, my mom would often have another opinion that I have to agree to whether I like it or not. Most of the people like what I did but my mom would often go one way or another. She would just get my accounts book from my bag or drawer, and even my personal notebook and read them! She would rub it in my face that she was the boss and she would often say she knows what’s really good (although we all thought it was too outdated). She went on a rampage when I raised the salary of the two part-timers and completely went berserk when I made promotions and 50% off on items that are in dire need to be sold off, and so that new stocks could be brought over. I almost at verge of losing my temper. Another thing is when.. I don’t wanna go to church as regularly as my mom does. I read the bible alright, I knew what was right, but why does she have to keep drilling it in my head about all the things: saints, feasts and whatnot (that I think are absolutely ridiculous). For me, the church is a sanctuary for people to clear their souls and get peace minds, not a place to collect love offerings and instill stupid ideas on people or where people flash how good they would look in Sunday clothes or who goes with them there while secretly flirting in pews. I have talked a lot, sorry. So back to the topic, my mom wanted me to do what she orders without question. Period. I wanted to move out a long time ago, but she said that as long as I am not yet married off, I will stay under her roof and help her manage the family ( because my dad is sickly and most of the time just there in bed). And last year, she told me to get a life, get into a relationship, get married, get her a fat grandchild as soon as possible. Then voila! I got a love life! Now, she wasn’t just meddling with everything, she’s downright treating me like a child that can never do anything good. I don’t even know my own identity anymore. If I don’t move out soon enough I think I’m going to go bonkers.

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
Reply To: Meddling Mom
Your information: