- June 15, 2020 at 3:14 am #889350CharGuest
Im considering reaching out to my biological father but im not sure…
A bit of background; my mother went travelling around Europe in her 20s, after settling in France for a few years (with a much older man) she became pregnant with me and decided to move back home to the UK to raise me.
Flash forward 23 years and I’m here. After never meeting my biological father I now have an amazing step father I call Dad and a half little brother.
My biological father has never tried to reach out despite knowing where I am and as I understand he has several other children with multiple partners.
My apprehension comes from the fact I dont feel I need a father figure (as I already have one) and I’m worried not only about taking on a new “parent” and family but also a new country, lanuage and culture. BUT there are things I would love to know and I think this would help me answer questions I’ve always had about myself.
Some advice would be great, especially if you’ve had to meet relatives from a different country. Thanks!June 15, 2020 at 6:11 am #889364HelenGuest
I’ve known people who have reunited with biological parents, or entire biological families. I’d say half had a wonderful experience and remain close with their long lost bio relatives, the other half had their heartbroken. You have to be prepared for either outcome. Before contacting your bio dad seek out people who’ve reunited with bio parents. Maybe there’s a support group for adults who’ve reunited or seeking reunification. Adoption agencies probably could give you the names of a few. Or read a few books about the reunification process. Whatever you decide to do I hope it goes well for you.June 15, 2020 at 11:17 am #889403EssieParticipant
My first thought is, do you know for sure that your bio father would be open to a meeting? As Helen said, this could go in a positive way, or a very unpleasant way.
You talk about taking on another parent, family, language, etc – but I think you have to at least consider the possibility that he may not even want to acknowledge you, let alone answer any of your questions.
I truly hope it doesn’t go that way for you. But I think it would be worthwhile to spend some time discussing this with a therapist and thinking through how the various possible outcomes would feel before deciding whether to proceed.June 18, 2020 at 12:30 pm #889867cspGuest
I totally agree with Helen. I think it is great to reach out but be prepared and keep expectations low. I am the mom of an adopted son and we have worked with child psychologists to make sure we handle things as good as possible. Now, you are an adult, but what you need to realize is that familial relationships come from the day to day interactions. To meet your biological father, there won’t be that fatherly bond because he hasn’t been there for those day to day interactions.
I would also have a few conversations with your mom and see what her story is now that you are an adult. You want to make sure she didn’t shield you from anything as a child that you would need to know as an adult. I would also think about what boundaries you want to set. For example, if you find out he is homeless or asks you for money. If he wants someone to take care of him now that he is older.
I don’t know anything about your father. I just know that many times people create a story about a biological parent and then when faced with the reality it can hurt. It also can be such a wonderful blessing. So I would explore but I would start with a conversation with your mom and go from there.June 19, 2020 at 9:20 am #890018mellantheParticipant
If it’s somethign you’d regret not doing, then you’ll probably want to try. That’s a decision only you can make.
Be careful of getting your hopes up. People often don’t know the circumstances of their birth or conception. As others have said, talking to your mum can help – in case there’s something
Society builds a narrative that makes it easy for us to imagine a loving, warm reunion with a wonderful person we’re missing out on. But he may not be. He may be a conflicted person with lots of faults. Or he may even be a nasty piece of work. He may not want to be a part of your life – sometimes people don’t reach out for a reason.
I’d say be prepared that there is the potential for rejection or hurt or massive disappointment. And remember that whatever happens with him, you have a loving family. I do second the suggestion for therapy – this might give you a lot to unpack, so don’t face it alone.
I was offered the chance to meet my grandfather (grandmother divorced back when this was taboo, he was not a nice man reportedly) but I declined at the time. I felt that the people I had in my life were enough. He’s since passed away and I don’t regret it. But parents and grandparents are different.June 19, 2020 at 3:15 pm #890062CurlyQueParticipant
Char, i found out that i had a different bio dad a couple years back (it was a SHOCK) and subsequently found him on ancestry. We ended up having one phone conversation and that was the end of it. He isn’t interested in learning about me, and his children aren’t interested in a relationship either.
It’s disappointing, but i’m 33, we live in different states and i have a full life with out them, it’s their loss.
I wish you the best, but i agree that you should keep your expectations low. You may not have a new culture, language, family to contend with.