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Dear Wendy

Men and Their Compliments

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  • #756650 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    1. Compliments are costless. It’s a strategy to butter you up. He doesn’t actually “admire your qualities.” No one who has spent 90 minutes with you in a bar knows enough to admire your qualities. He just met you. Anyone who showers you with personal compliments early on is either lying to you or in some cases lying to himself. This guy was lying to you.

    2. Many men just want sex. Particulaly, the men who just want sex will cast their nets the widest because they don’t need to care about any personal qualities. So even if a minority of men just want sex, a disproportionate amount of your contact will be with men who just want sex. The men who want relationships will be filtering more for personal fit. This isn’t to say that you’re not a good relationship prospect, just that for any given guy you are unlikely to be Ms. Right, but for any given horny guy you’ll be a good right now. So you will receive a lot of contacts from the latter.

    3. A common strategy among men who just want sex is to use a lot of compliments to create fake rapport.The disparaging the ex is also a red flag but some people like to be compared favorably to others. It’s a low success but also low cost strategy.

    #756653 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    I disagree with Anonymous that your problem is likely to be that you present as intimidating. I think the problem is deeper in your sexual wiring. You are strongly attracted to these super-macho, hook-up types at a visceral level, and you claim they are 180-degrees from what you are actually seeking and you don’t want instant hook-ups. Well, that’s what they’re seeking. You complain, but you seem to really eat up the superficial, manipulative compliments.

    Figure yourself out. You’ve discovered your instant-connection, strong sexual chemistry ‘type’ and decided you ultimately aren’t happy with that type of guy. So you have a choice: either date against this type, or swallow your morality/pride/sense of propriety/whatever is keeping you from accepting these instant hook-ups. You badly need to decide which you is the real you, or which version you want to become you.

    These guys are sending you very clear signals about their intentions. By going on dates with them, you are sending mixed or wrong messages. Choose a direction.

    #756663 Reply
    JD
    Guest

    It kind of sounds like you are a.) choosing the wrong kind of men and b.) coming off too goody goody boring. You may not be but that’s how it is coming off. “I have a masters and like sushi and would never drink and travel and all the other women are lose and sloppy”. I mean. My god. You sound like fun wrapped in a beating. Good men want women with good qualities but they also want someone fun and down to earth. The combo of the two sound like it’s resulting in bad dates.

    #756667 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Hey Ron, I never said she was intimidating.
    I told her these types of men were looking for sex, and not a relationship.

    Perhaps I wasn’t clear, but my question “Are you intimidating?” Had more to do with her quest for a partner, and not meeting anyone eligible, not these macho men she is currently seeing. I never said she was, I asked her if she is.

    #756668 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, the not drinking thing makes it tough because people who drink want to date people who also drink. I do think you’re coming across boring to these guys, even if your family and friends think you’re fun. But I don’t think it matters, these aren’t the guys for you anyway. There are guys out there who won’t think you’re boring.

    #756669 Reply
    Oracle
    Guest

    Why would you want him to call you back? This is the type of “date” where you sneak out the back door and take a taxi home. Hope he does not know where you live. The fact that is is happening a lot means you really are going out with the wrong guys. Like in you are really lucky you have not ended up hurt or raped. You need to reflect on WHY you are going out with these type of guys. I suggest you do not date until you get this worked out. Maybe you need to see someone to talk about this. This guy was really insulting you (you are out of my usual age range, comparing you to his ex’s) and you thought it was a compliment.

    #756670 Reply
    JD
    Guest

    Saying she is lucky she hasn’t been raped is a huge freaking stretch. Just because these aren’t the right men for her doesn’t mean she is in any danger. Calm down now.

    #756673 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    There’s nothing wrong with wanting casual sex relationships. That isn’t equivalent to or related to rape or assault. There’s nothing in her comments that show these men are pressuring her for sex, being coercive or violent. Literally nothing she writes has anything like that in it, at all.

    These men (Although misogynistic and disrespectful) are at least being pretty good about making it clear they want casual hookups and not a relationship.

    It’s a huge stretch and so wrong to tell her she’s lucky she hasn’t been raped! That’s taking it to an extreme level.

    #756675 Reply
    JD
    Guest

    Why are we modifying my comments to not u course cursing when in Wendy’s written rules for the site she literally says to swear?

    #756676 Reply
    JD
    Guest

    Not include. Uh iPhone.

    #756677 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It’s not the F word per se, the tone was just too aggressive for a Sunday morning imo.

    #756678 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I’m hungover.

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