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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Men and Their Compliments

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Viewing 11 posts - 49 through 59 (of 59 total)
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  • #756891 Reply
    Poppy
    Member

    I personally dont think there is anything wrong with men or women wanting one night stands. Hell, better yet, at least they are honest with you from date one. It doesnt make someone a jerk or asshole for that either. You just havent met your guy yet. You might be the problem, you might need to start realizing your attracted to guys you arent mentally compatible with. Thats okay. Usually though if a guy is douchbag/jerk you pick that up right away. If he is during dinner, you verbalize that that is not what you are looking for. Thats kinda what dating is. I suggest you switch up your dating tactics and when I alphafratboy hits on you turn them down. You can even make it clear you have no interest in sex. That should weed some out.

    #756893 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    @MissD, you are a very wise and perceptive lady.

    #756894 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    Oh man, the Internet Libel Experts are coming for @StaceySteph!

    #756895 Reply
    Essie
    Participant

    Carol, THAT is the reason I called you out on the use of “beta males.” YOU chose to use a term that was originated by the incels and is a core part of their nasty ideology, if you can call it that, so you don’t have much call to be threatening anyone with a lawsuit for simply noticing what you said.

    Linguistics aside, the point everyone is trying to make is that you are seeing men (and yourself) on a very shallow level. You lump men into one of two groups – neanderthals or wimps. You call yourself a catch based on very superficial characteristics that frankly, most people don’t care about when choosing a partner.

    Don’t choose your dates based on superficialities. Don’t jump to conclusions based on stereotypes. Take your time getting to know a man and consider his entire personality and character before you write him off. Trying dating against your “type.” Attraction isn’t always instant, and it’s not always all about appearances.

    #756897 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    And more seriously, neither Fyodor nor Essie treated you poorly. Essie did not support a double standard — YOU supported the double standard. YOU liked the phony compliments, including those which put down their exes. Read what you wrote! Nowhere do you say you thought these were piggish remarks. YOU accepted them, felt flattered by them, and were surprised when the asshole didn’t ask you out on a second date. This is called projection. YOU lapped up the sexist praise, the references to your nationality. That was YOU, not Essie. Please don’t try to lay this double standard on her, just because she was too kind to specifically call you out on this crap — the sort of compliments you said any woman would appreciate. Early on, Kate interpreted the conversation for you, pointing out that these weren’t compliments at all.

    #757346 Reply
    Purpose
    Guest

    Ugh…I HATE comments like this. I just had a similar conversation with my sister where I guy ‘friend’ she was planning on going out for ice cream with said he was looking forward to a ‘hot date’ {like girl runnn}. I read your comment to mean that the guy is 1. used to drug skanks so congrats, you’re out of his league and 2. he’s 2 years older than you, but you are too ‘old’ for his type? So his type is younger girls?

    So much cringe. Just no. Good for you for being sweet and courteous. And if you’re getting a pattern response of this sort, you may need to look at the kind of guy you’re interacting with in the first place. They aren’t all like this. ♥

    #757386 Reply
    SailBobo
    Guest

    I’m trying to figure out what she says in her letter that makes these men “misogynistic and disrespectful” …

    #757403 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    SailBobo —
    I think what was being referenced was the guys comments about the other women he had dated. I don’t think either LW or the guys she dates are great at picking up signals. From what LW wrote to us, the guy must have picked up on her great opinion of herself and her accomplishments and what a great catch she is. She seems to have expounded on that at length, not realizing that since the guy has zero interest in a relationship with her (or any woman, because he has no desire for monogamy), her being a great catch is of zilch interest to him. Probably a negative, because it suggests she will be more demanding and less easily impressed. so he talks her up and says how great she is compared to the women he normally dates and talks down those women in making that point. That may not be his actual opinion of the women he dates and even the ‘factual’ details may be made up.

    This is where he misses signals. LW is seeking an Alpha Macho Male. It goes against that image and is likely to turn her off for him to describe the women he normally dates as such losers. Not the sort of women a real alpha male would choose to date. His comment that LW is older than the women he normally dates may be an attempt to regain his appearance of alpha status.

    In any rate, his view of the duration of any relationship he might have with LW was probably 6 hours and certainly not more than two weeks. That wasn’t her interest — she just chooses the wrong men, misses their signals, and seems confused about who is and isn’t an Alpha. Also, if she describes herself as an alpha female, an alpha male may be the last thing she needs.

    #757442 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    I don’t know how many dates you’ve been on with guys, but men who like and respect women don’t shit-talk their exes and call them “loose.” They don’t say “oh thank god you’re not a feminist,” thinking feminists are some kind of masculine, man hating harpies and not just people who think women should have the same rights as men.

    Guys who act like this on a first date turn out to be nightmares if you don’t call it quits that night. The LW doesn’t understand this and keeps picking the same ones with the same results. In her case they’re not interested enough to want to see her again, which is good!

    #757470 Reply
    CET
    Guest

    It sounds to me like you are picking the wrong type of guy. You don’t want the macho sexist type. What do you want in a boyfriend? List those qualities. From what you write I think your type is more of the smart, educated (graduate degree), sensitive, a bit of a foodie, well-read and love to travel type. A more “nerdy” and worldly kind of guy. I think if you are using dating apps then be more specific about what kind of guy you are looking for.

    #757472 Reply
    CET
    Guest

    I just read some of the comments…there are guys who are not the “macho, sports loving, just want a booty call” type who are also not what you describe. You can find smart, cool, intelligent guys who are not “whiny and beta” (your words). I’m married to a physicist and he’s the smartest person I know, very confident, and very successful in his field. Good luck with your search for the right guy for you!

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