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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Messy Friendship?

Home Forums Advice & Chat Messy Friendship?

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 18 total)
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  • #981903 Reply
    Sasha
    Guest

    I recently went into my husbands phone where he keeps a book list under his notes. I wanted to get him a few of the books he wanted for Christmas. As I scroll down at the very bottom I found a note. It said “I love you I love us even though it’s messy. Thank you for talking me off the edge again, I enjoy your deep thoughts in the tub. Pre-booking is good to do!” and then it had three red hearts.
    I did some research and apparently you can share notes with people so that they can add to it as well. It dawned on me that this looks like a hiding space for some secret text messages. I know that he has a friend in particular who is a woman that they share a love of same authors and reading…
    I ended up asking my husband about it and he responded with a lot of anger. He said that it is a quote from the book. But that made absolutely no sense it seem very specific to a conversation. Plus he was in complete denial. I’m not really sure what to do from here has I can’t see who the text is from. How should I proceed forward if he is going to deny that this is a text with someone else?

    #981976 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    That certainly sounds shady. But so does you looking at his phone. If you’re honest with yourself, was your motivation completely to look for gifts to buy him, or did you sense something was off and wanted to take a look around? It seems odd to me that you’d know he keeps a list of books in his phone and which ones he’s already read and hasn’t.

    Anyway, that’s obviously not a quote from a book, so he lied to you. He has a right to be angry that you snooped, but he did lie. I think you can assume he’s up to something. Try to have another talk with him that’s not confrontational and is framed more like a marriage check-in. How you’re both feeling, how you felt when you saw that message, etc. NOT on Christmas Day.

    #981978 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Oh Jesus, Tina.

    Nvmnd just leave him.

    #982039 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Tina, I feel very bad for you. But at this point it is a choice you are making to stay with him, even though he makes you feel so badly. I hope you can get the courage to leave him. I’m sorry he’s so terrible to you.

    #982073 Reply
    bloodymediocrity
    Participant

    …Tina…every time you do this my heart breaks a little bit.

    #982096 Reply
    bloodymediocrity
    Participant

    “it’s a quote from a book” Jesus I skipped over that gem the first read through. What book? He really doesn’t not have much faith in your intelligence.

    #982102 Reply
    bloodymediocrity
    Participant

    I’m gonna leave a text open on my phone that says “Hey babe, meet me at the Motel 6 on 169 just south of Rosedale. Bring lingerie and condoms” and then claim I’m just discussing classic literature with a platonic friend. I’ll let you know what my wife says.

    Tina-I’m really not trying to rub it in your face, but that’s the absolute lamest excuse I’ve ever heard. What will it take for you to realize that this is happening to you?

    #982195 Reply
    Sasha
    Guest

    He isn’t speaking to me tonight. I fear that tomorrow is ruined. He keeps saying that I ruined Christmas and that maybe ill learn a lesson, and that I shouldn’t be going into his phone. He’s giving me the cold shoulder and I’ve been trying to make mends very slightly just so we can get through Christmas, while still holding my ground. I’m not apologizing. Would you consider this gaslighting? What would be the actual terminology of him putting the blame on me since I went into his phone?

    #982217 Reply
    Ange
    Guest

    I would say you’re gaslighting yourself at this point mate. Why do you even need to look at his phone and ask for an explanation at this point, you know exactly what he’s up to.

    #982422 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, it’s self-deception, self-gaslighting. Look at how you lie on here constantly. You lie to yourself even more. If this story is true, it indicates how completely out to lunch you are. He knows it. He knows he can do and say literally anything and you’ll stay. He can ruin your Christmas and then stomp off to his girlfriend’s apartment. Wake up.

    #982495 Reply
    golfer.gal
    Guest

    Why do you want the actual term? To confront him? To add to the diary of proof you’re keeping for your divorce attorney? To discuss it with your therapist? None of those things are happening. So, what’s the point? All you need to do is Google “emotional abuse tactics” and you’ll get a wealth of information, but instead you come here and twist and lie. Why?

    You lie All. The. Time. What do you think of yourself at this point? You’re focused on having a nice Christmas with your abuser who is in a full on relationship with someone else. It’s like you’re trapped in a burning building and you’re sitting to finish a needlepoint. The two possible outcomes here are: he uses this as the reason to spend Christmas with his girlfriend and you get some blessed silence, or you spend today in icy misery with a man who holds you in total contempt. He’s in love with her Tina. You read it in black and white. You realize it’s only a matter of time before he dumps you for her?

    #982562 Reply
    Miss MJ
    Guest

    Tina, give your mental and emotional health a Christmas miracle and leave this loser and invest in therapy. Trust me, your future self will thank you. Just imagine that this time next year, you could be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t obviously treat you like unwanted trash. The only reason your husband hasn’t left you yet is because his girlfriend doesn’t want him full time. And, I suppose it’s convenient for him to have you around to make sure there is food in the house and do his laundry. This is sad, pathetic and frankly painful to read.

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