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Mixed signals

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  • #962768 Reply
    avatarAmber
    Guest

    I was dating a guy who got out of a bad marriage (he was with his ex 10 years) we got together about a year after they split. Things were great for a while but then he started to act distant. He said he didn’t want a commitment after we had been dating exclusively for over a year. I packed all my stuff at his place and said I am ready for someone who is all in and if he needed to date other people I would leave and respect that but I needed time away to heal from the split. He called and texted me constantly after that saying that he didn’t want anyone else but just didn’t want everything that comes with being in a relationship. I decided to tread lightly and still see him as we really enjoy each other’s company. His friends, family and especially his kids love me. Recently he asked me to check his email and print something off for him. I saw many messages to and from other women from a dating website. I am not the best looking woman in the world but I’m not hard to look at and I have always treated him with love, respect and kindness. As well as have been there for him through thick and thin just like he is for me. Some of these women have implied they were looking for a man to take care of them as they didn’t want to do anything in life except for sit at home and do nothing. A lot of these women are what men would classically refer to as “trashy and lazy” one of them looked like she was addicted to meth. I own my own successful business, own my own home, I have been loving and to be fair our sex life is awesome and has never been a problem. Why does he keep messaging these random women and flirting with them? When I try to move on he keeps coming at me like the terminator until I talk to him again. If he doesn’t want me why won’t he let me go?

    #962770 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    You don’t need for him to “let you go.” You have agency. You decide what happens in your own life. You are staying because you want to stay, not because he is talking you into it. If you wanted to go, you’d go. At least own your decision. It’s more freeing when you realize that it’s YOU who is making the decisions.

    Stay or go, but own it.

    (I wouldn’t look for commitment from someone who is still on dating sites a year later, but you do you.) Also, looks have nothing to do with anything. It doesn’t matter how you look, and it doesn’t matter that these other women look “trashy,” according to you. Attraction doesn’t work that way. It also doesn’t matter what his kids, friends, and family think of you. That has absolutely no bearing on his interest in dating sites, clearly.

    #962801 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Good lord, lady. You own your own business and home. So if someone was trying to talk you into a scam, would you have no agency and just shell out? You ask “why does he do this?” Because he wants to. Because he can. Because you stick around, even when he’s messaging meth heads on dating sites. That’s how little he respects you. He doesn’t even try to hide it from you.

    So next time- walk away and actually block him. Stop letting him in to your life!

    #962803 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    No mixed signals here. His words and actions are very clear. You just want to ignore the message. When he said he didn’t want you to leave but “just didn’t want everything that comes with being in a relationship,” did you even ask him what all those relationship things he doesn’t want are?” Or were you afraid what the answer would be and just desperately clinging to this nonfunctional relationship. MOA. If you continue to see him, at least date other people. He does. It probably won’t take long to find somebody better.

    #962804 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Ok, it doesn’t take a forensics expert to get to the bottom of this one.

    Here is why he’s doing this:

    “ He said he didn’t want a commitment after we had been dating exclusively for over a year…He said he didn’t want anyone else but just didn’t want everything that comes with being in a relationship. I decided to tread lightly and still see him .”

    Do you see what happened there? He opted out of being your exclusive boyfriend and you tacitly agreed to that and kept seeing him. He dropped the commitment to you and you said okay.

    He’s actually being pretty direct. He told you he doesn’t want a commitment or relationship. He let you see his email where he’s messaging other women.

    Being attractive, successful, and loving doesn’t protect you from being treated like a doormat. If you don’t want to be a doormat, you have to move on.

    #962805 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    You asked why does he keep messaging these women when you’ve been attentive, loving, kind, self supporting & good in bed. The answer is because he likes attention from multiple women without being burdened by any commitment to them. It doesn’t matter how good of a gf you are to this guy, he gets off on quantity not quality. Its an ego boost. You seem to have a lot going for you. Drop him so you’re available to meet a partner who wants the same things you do. You do not need his permission to end the relationship. Block him and ignore the lovebombing.

    #962808 Reply
    avatarAmber
    Guest

    Just as a follow up after I saw the emails I did leave him. I didn’t post this question to justify his behaviour. I posted it to get some closure and maybe some perspective to his behaviour. I already know that messaging other women is a red flag and wouldn’t stay with someone who did. Also since a few people on here decided to dump all over me and make me feel like and even bigger piece of garbage after having my heart broken he didn’t message anyone when we were together but since I can’t seem to delete this thread there is no need for anyone else to answer. Once again I just wanted some perspective not getting dumped on for trying to try to getting some f#@&+$& closure. To those of you who provided a thoughtful response. Thank you

    #962809 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    @Amber – you had all of the answers, you just thought there was something more to this guy. There isn’t. You deserve so much better and I hope you demand it from whomever you let in your life.

    Don’t get upset with people giving you the truth you asked for.

    #962811 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    You asked why, we told you why. I don’t think it’s dumping on you to point out that he told you he didn’t want an exclusive commitment and you decided that was all right. And that he keeps texting you because that’s what guys do. This guy likes options. He likes having you around without the commitment. He’d like to have you still be around.

    That said, if none of these messages were sent while you were seeing each other, I don’t get what the problem is?

    #962812 Reply
    avatarAmber
    Guest

    @LisforLeslie Not really. I wasn’t asking for advice as to whether I should stay or go I already knew that. After I saw those emails I realized this is not the guy for me. I was asking more about they psychology and maybe what goes through someone’s head why they would not want to commit to someone but then when that person says “ok fine do what you want” and they try to move on why would you relentlessly pursue them even when they told you off and said I don’t want to speak with you anymore. To the point where he has even got his kids to call me as I refuse to answer any communication. I am a very direct person and have never been through a divorce or an abusive relationship as when I see red flags I am out. I understood that because his divorce wasn’t finalized, he is struggling financially, struggling being a full time parent and having severe anxiety that maybe all the expectations of being in a relationship might have been overwhelming but I was ok with still seeing each other as long as he wasn’t trolling other women. however I just can’t wrap my head around why you would cling to someone so much and pursue them relentlessly if you are trolling other women. That’s what I am asking here. The rest of it was just a little background about the situation.

    #962813 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    My guess as to why he’s working so hard to keep you but still pressuring others is that he wants something from you. Besides sex. He’s going through a divorce, you have a house & steady income.

    #962814 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    He likes what you bring to the table but he wants to leave his options open. This makes even more sense knowing he is barely out of a divorce.

    And then when you stop talking to him, it puts him into pursuit mode. It doesn’t mean he now wants a commitment, it just means he wants things back the way they were.

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