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Dear Wendy

Mom favors my brother

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Viewing 11 posts - 13 through 23 (of 23 total)
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  • #849001 Reply

    Hi everyone! Thanks for the replys, all very thoughtful and helpful.
    I am going to take the advice and not let her show favoritism to my kids. She has a prearranged trip in a couple weeks with my daughter but that will be the last, and during that time im taking my son on a camping trip.
    As for narcissist, yes! Everything is about her all the time and if u cross her she holds a grudge forever

    #849003 Reply

    I would cancel that upcoming trip. Don’t let her continue this.

    #849010 Reply

    No, no, no. Do not let your daughter go with your mother on this prearranged trip. Taking your son on a comping trip does not make for your mother’s bad behavior. Cut this out right now. Blatant favoritism is not good for the favored or the unfavored. In my experience the favored seem to grow up to be some sort of idiot. This treatment has long lasting effects. Lets be honest here. Your mother is just not showing favoritism but showing contempt for you. Stop trying to please her. You do not need her approval. And really its time you had very little to do with her or nothing at all. I am at the camp of nothing at all. The plain fact here is you mother just does not like you. Act accordingly.

    #849029 Reply

    If your daughter is looking forward to the trip – don’t punish her by taking it away. If your daughter is dreading the trip because grandma doesn’t pay attention to her or is mean, then make up some excuse that you’ll have to reschedule.

    Then don’t reschedule.

    #849223 Reply

    Yuck. Your mom is not a nice person and is very flawed. My advice is to do therapy as well as read books from the library on this kind of scenario. You have to basically let her go…truly know in your heart she will never change and expect nothing from her. Mourn for the mom you never got to have. You didn’t deserve that. Then distance yourself from her and work hard in therapy to not feel the need to see her or spend time with her or need her in any way. I had to do this with my mom and I have a polite relationship with her now but I would never trust her. My mom has narcissistic personality disorder and it has been very helpful to learn all about this as well as about how to set boundaries. I’m so sorry…you deserved a better mom in your life, but that’s not what you got. Some of us got the short end of the stick in life. I found it wonderful for my mental health to move very very far away and create my own family. Good luck.

    #849323 Reply

    I second the recommendation for therapy so that you can truly come to terms with the kind of mother you have. Then, if your daughter is really, really, really looking forward to the trip, you might allow her to go. It’s not her fault her grandma is favoring her over her siblings.

    No matter what you do, your narcissistic mother is probably going to feel badly done by. So you’ll have to take the steps you need to protect your own mental health and to break the cycle of favoritism. You’ll have to put your foot down and clearly state to your mother that she isn’t allowed to show favoritism to one of your children any more.

    How old is the favored daughter? What’s she like as a person? Is she generous enough to feel bad about being treated differently from her siblings? Or does she enjoy being the favorite?

    #877051 Reply

    I think she do like this because inside her mind she think thats you are powerful so you do not need her car, and in same time she think and feel thats your brother are weak and he need her care and protection but both of you are her beloved soons believe though i think it hurt you but most of people or let say all got same problems.

    #877271 Reply

    Give yourself the gift of stopping this cycle now. Certainly a therapist will help you untangled your childhood and how your mothers bizzare and utterly selfish behavior trained you into interacting with her in a way that only benefits her. It is important to understand this. All children want love and approval from their parents, as an adult that never received this, some part of you still longs for that and makes you compliant with her games. Limit contact, have visits be supervised with you and all the kids. That way you can try to mitigate the damage (that she is doing to your kids) real time. The favored is being shown that its ok to be a dick, to treat others like dirt for no good reason. The unfavored child is being told that they are dirt, and all parties are cool with that. Also, cancel the camping trip and make up a logistic reason. Your mother has no right to know (because she will use this as a weapon) and as their parent, you control access to your children. Also, your daughter will get over the disappointment (if there is any).

    #962175 Reply

    You narrate horrible things about your mother, but she still seems quite involved in your life and family life. I don’t get that. Just limit drastically any interaction with her. One visit a year or every other year is really enough. That is what my friends who got the wrong parents or in-law tickets do. No need to upset yourself or display any dependance.
    For the planned trip: why on earth would you let such a toxic family member spend alone time with your daughter? Cancel it (who travels anyway now?) and make a camping trip with your two older. Don’t play along with this pattern: don’t you see how complicated this is? You are compensating her favoritism while enabling it. No!

    #962187 Reply

    Leon may be right. I have seen a similar dynamic play out with my husband and his brother my husband is by all means the success story… First person in this family to go to college, married for almost 15 years, active participant in his kids‘ lives, and has a great upper management position with a large multi state nonprofit. His brother habitually cheats on his partners, has multiple kids with multiple different women, none of who he really sees or provide support for, rarely employed and mooches on their mom constantly, both for financial support and to take care of his kids when the moms need a break. It is very frustrating and can make my husband very sad, but the end of the day, I think it is because she knows that both him and his kids need her in a way that he no longer does. Obviously there’s a ton of enabling going on, but I don’t think as the mom, she really sees it that way.

    #962198 Reply

    @Leon, of course that is why the all knowing mother also ignores 3 of the grandchildren.

    Please don’t offer support for parents who show blatant partiality among their children. That is just plain wrong.

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