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Mom is upset with me that I will not watch her foster children

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  • This topic has 12 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by avatarBetty.
Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 13 total)
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  • #951940 Reply
    avatardawnfawn1996
    Participant

    A little backstory: my moms niece is a piece of work. She’s only 6 years older (29) than me, dropped out of high school in the 9th grade, Has 3 kids and only knows who the father of one is, is on and off drugs, constantly gets arrested, has lost her kids to child protective services more than I can count, goes from one abusive relationship to another, leaves her kids for days/weeks at a time wherever, refuses to work and is the every bit of the “stereotype” people have on those who use assistance.

    My mom took her kids in about 4 years ago so they would not go to foster care when my cousin was arrested. They were a nightmare. They understandably had behavioral issues and were extremely behind in school/socially. My mom is a single mother who has 3 kids of her own, me and my 2 younger sisters who still live at home. My mom was not getting paid during this time and was trying to support 6 kids on one income with no help. My cousins kids literally DESTROYED our house- took permanent marker to our walls, broke irreplaceable windows (we live in an old Victorian house), the oldest hit my mom several times, and the straw that finally broke the camels back was when the oldest boy was trying to touch my youngest sister, who was 3 at the time inappropriately. My cousin had just gotten out of jail so CPS just picked them up, basically told my mom thanks for being a free babysitter for the last 6 months and gave them right back to my cousin knowing they were in an environment where they were being abused.

    Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. My mom was at work when she received a call from my cousin asking if her and her 3 kids could stay the night as they had no where to go. My mom agreed. Well when she got home from work it turned out my cousin had failed a drug test(tested positive for heroin) and needed to have 3 clean drug tests before she could be around her kids alone and since my mom is the only person she knows whose not on drugs and has a good job, she decided to stay there. So her 1 night stay turned into at least a 2 month stay. I told my mom I did not think that was a good idea as my cousin is trash and will not change. My mom said it was going to be different

    My mom tried to make due but not even 2 days in, it turned into exactly what I told her it was going to be. My cousin had sold her food stamps for drugs and expected my mom to feed her and her kids. Then my Cousin was sleeping in until 4pm and my mom was getting up at 7am with her kids. My mom was not happy and it ensued in a big fight. My mom took my cousin to go job hunting but you can imagine she was not about that. Well my cousin said she was going to walk to the gas station one night and she didn’t come back. My mom round her 2 days later at a friends house drugged up. So my mom called CPS and they asked her to keep the kids and she agreed. I told her from the get go this was an extremely bad idea, but she won’t listen

    Now here comes my dilemma, she has asked me almost everyday to watch the kids, get the kids off the bus, etc. I have told her no. I live on my fiancé a town over. In the past 2 weeks, those kids have keyed both sides of my moms car causing at least 5k in damage, punched holes through the doors, hit her, cussed her out, cut up her brand new couch up, destroyed stuff, and have just been complete terrors. Yes, there are times I could watch them but i do not feel like it’s my responsibility. She took them in a knew what she was getting herself into. She keeps making excuses for them like “they have been through a lot and have a lot of anger issues.

    Now don’t get my wrong, My heart absolutely breaks for these kids but I also do not want my stuff destroyed. My mom texted me today and told me it was selfish of me not to help her when she’s trying to work and go to school and how I’ve never had to go through what these kids have. I told her I understand that and my heart hurts for them but they are also not my responsibility and I think it’s very selfish of her to take these kids and expecting everyone else to drop what they are doing and help her with them. I also said that anger issues or not, I do not want my stuff destroyed. I feel bad and I never fight with my mom and I know she’s just trying to help these kids but it think she has bitten off way more than she can chew and expects me to pick up the slack. Ugh what should I do?

    • This topic was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by avatardawnfawn1996.
    #952087 Reply
    avatarTiana
    Guest

    Others might disagree but I think you need to hold your ground on this. I feel for those kids, but your mom needs to think about her younger kids. If one of the boys tried to molest your younger sister whats to stop him from trying again? These kids need more help than your mom and you can provide. They need therapy. They might just be better off in the foster care system where they can be placed with a family who has more experience with troubled kids.

    #952141 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Yeah, I agree. The chances are really high that the older boy who tried to molest your sister will try again, or already has and succeeded. I also feel for these kids, but they need serious intervention on multiple levels. I would tell your mom that you’re very worried she’s exposing your younger siblings to sexual abuse and an unhealthy and violent environment, and that you will not participate in enabling your siblings to be abused. If there are times these boys are home alone with your siblings there is cause for extreme concern. Encourage her to get them placed in an environment that can address their needs. Do not allow them in your home.

    #952167 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Agree.

    I think this is very sad and no one is really to blame… your cousin is an addict and probably a product of a bad home environment… but yeah.

    #952511 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    The kids do sound like they need more help than your mother can provide. But she has them anyway and you don’t have any say. Don’t watch the kids if you don’t want, I wouldn’t want to either, but is there anything you can do to help out your mom? You disagree with her decision but that’s still your mom. Can you pick up her groceries, pay for a monthly house cleaning, errands, anything to ease her burden a little? You’ll sleep better at night if you help her in some way

    #952551 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    It is INCREDIBLY disturbing to me that the oldest boy was trying to molest your baby sister (at 3 years old!) and your mother has weighed the abuse/safety of your siblings vs. these kids and decided that even though it’s clear they need much more than your mother can give, she’ll still care for them? How is she sure the abuse has stopped?

    If you can enlist other relatives or friends to talk to her about this, you should. Even if it’s just you. The safety of her kids should be at the forefront of her mind.

    It’s terrible and very sad that your cousin is a horrible parent, but that doesn’t mean she needs to sacrifice her own children’s safety to care for them.
    I feel empathy for her kids but I still don’t think they belong with your mother, who is clearly in over her head.

    This is a situation where a “right answer” seems impossible, but I know that her one duty as a mother is to protect her children. I just can’t imagine how betrayed I would feel if I knew that my mother was harboring my abuser instead of prioritizing my safety as a toddler! JFC.

    #952566 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Let me tell you something about moms. They favor the boy who’s doing the abusing over the girl who’s being abused.

    #952596 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    yikes I skimmed over the sexual abuse part. You should bring up your concerns to the kid’s case manager

    #952611 Reply
    avatardawnfawn1996
    Participant

    I want to thank everyone for the replies and concerns. It’s nice to know that I’m not just being paranoid in my thinking that my mom taking these kids in is a terrible idea, not only because they need intense help, but also they have been exposed to several forms of abuse during their life and one has already tried to sexually abuse my younger sister. I honestly do not know what my mom is thinking. She has the biggest heart but her biggest fault is, she tried to save everyone and ultimately it always backfires in her. I talked to one of her best friends and discussed my thoughts and feelings about the situation and she feels the absolute same way and is also going to talk to my mom. The issue is, mom mom is the type who doesn’t like to admit when she’s wrong and gets extremely defensive when her wrong doings are pointed out. I understand where she’s coming from in trying to help the kids but she needs to put my sisters first. My oldest sister is about to be 18 and I suspect she will be out the House the day that comes as her and my mom have constantly fought for years. That will leave just my now 7 year old sister in the house and that really worries me

    #952617 Reply
    avatardawnfawn1996
    Participant

    I want to thank everyone for the replies and concerns. It’s nice to know that I’m not just being paranoid in my thinking that my mom taking these kids in is a terrible idea, not only because they need intense help, but also they have been exposed to several forms of abuse during their life and one has already tried to sexually abuse my younger sister. I honestly do not know what my mom is thinking. She has the biggest heart but her biggest fault is, she tried to save everyone and ultimately it always backfires in her. I talked to one of her best friends and discussed my thoughts and feelings about the situation and she feels the absolute same way and is also going to talk to my mom. The issue is, mom mom is the type who doesn’t like to admit when she’s wrong and gets extremely defensive when her wrong doings are pointed out. I understand where she’s coming from in trying to help the kids but she needs to put my sisters first. My oldest sister is about to be 18 and I suspect she will be out the House the day that comes as her and my mom have constantly fought for years.

    #953967 Reply
    becboo84becboo84
    Participant

    If CPS is now involved, services should be available to these poor kiddos that weren’t when they were with her previously. Depending on the state you are in, there could be some Covid related restrictions, but the services could include extensive counseling (Inpatient if required, especially for the boy), respite care for your mom, etc. Your best option may be to reach out directly to the caseworker, although finding a placement for three siblings with mental health issues is immensely challenging, so they will likely try to make it work with your mom for as long as possible. She should also be receiving a kinship subsidy in addition to the Medicaid.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by becboo84becboo84.
    #954247 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Oh wow. So a 7 year old girl is about to be alone in a housefull of older boys, one of whom already has a history of molesting her. This is…this is really, really not good. To the point I would consider talking to a lawyer about your options for petitioning for custody of your sister or at the very least making a report to CPS on her behalf. Your mom may not want to admit her mistake, but the consequences for her daughter are likely to be severe and lifelong. It’s heartbreaking that she is choosing to expose her daughter to childhood sexual exploitation. Please protect your sister.

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