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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Mom’s Cancer

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  • #1099752 Reply
    sammy952019
    Participant

    So for the past 4 months I have been waiting expectantly for my mothers cancer results. When the doctor first told my mother she had cancer she hid it from me and my brother ( we are in out 20s) she kept saying the diagnosis wasn’t confirmed so we shouldn’t worry about it that much. She kept hiding details about her appointments even though I asked her how things went after the doctor appointments she would say things like ” you know doctor say a bunch of things I don’t wanna spread bad vibes by discussing them again” she kept making the same excuses. However she always discussed her results with my sister, aunt, her own brother and of course my dad but kept me and my brother out of the loop. I feel very hurt and betrayed. Should I address this issue with her?

    #1099754 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Maybe. Not in the sense of demanding to know what’s going on, but just in the sense of, I love you, and this is how I feel when I don’t know what’s going on with your health.

    Is your sister older? Mom may feel like you and your brother are her babies and she doesn’t want to burden you. Ask her.

    My mom was ill for quite a while in the recent past and wouldn’t tell anyone anything. My dad knew because he lived with her and took care of her, but she wouldn’t share any information with us or allow him to. It was very scary and upsetting. It makes you catastrophize, right? Maybe you can also approach your dad and tell him how you’re feeling and get him to share some info with you.

    #1099759 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    I’m the older sister and my mom shares a lot more information with me than my younger sister. My sister used to have very emotional reactions and my mom would be exhausted by them. But notice I said “used to” and my mom sometimes forgets that her youngest doesn’t freak out anymore. So my sister and I talked and I promised her that I would make sure she’s in the loop and I push my mom to bring my sister in and if not, I bring her into the discussions.

    You have to remember it’s not about you. It’s likely either your mom trying to protect you or protecting herself. Only you know which one it is. But be patient with your mom – she’s the one dealing with illness and she’s covering territory she probably hasn’t covered before.

    #1099778 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster
    #1099798 Reply
    sammy952019
    Participant

    I completely understand it’s not about me. I just feel I’m not valued or worthy enough to know what’s hurting her. Like she doesn’t trust me enough.

    #1099799 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    That’s absolutely not what it is. It’s about not wanting you to see her as sick, or not wanting to scare you. Please get over that “not valued” or “not worthy” thing, it’s a total waste of time.

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