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Mom is dating an escort. How to deal with this? HELP

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  • #814129 Reply

    I’m writing about my 49-year-old mother. I’m not homophobic but a year ago (I was visiting home for the holidays), I found out my mom had been having a 2-year lesbian affair. My granddad told me the news, and he had only found out a few days prior. During the affair, she lied to everyone in her family and did it all with a smile on her face. My mother has never shown any kind of gayness before. She has always been attracted to men and even has two previous marriages under her belt, she has a very decent career and a good reputation in our community, very active in the church and always made her family proud. No one could see this coming. It was a huge shock for all of us

    Anyways, as I learned more about her affair things went downhill pretty fast. Turns out, her supposed girlfriend (D) is actually 30 years old who used to be an escort, or as we all know, a prostitute. In fact, my mother answered one of her ads and sought out her services. I couldn’t believe my mother would actually sink to that level, seeking sexual services from a prostitute whose only a couple of years older than her own son and then stupidly falling in love with her. I did a bit of research on this girlfriend/prostitute and I have no doubt in my mind that she’s taking advantage of my mother’s naivety and feelings. She has probably already robbed her of a good amount of money. I know for a fact that my mom gave (D) money to put toward a down payment for a new car a couple of months ago. My mother maintains that they are in love and that (D) left her escorting days behind shortly after she met my mother and has been working in an advertising agency since March 2017. I went to check that info and guess what? (D) started working in the agency on 21 May 2017, not March like she had my mother convinced. She’s like an assistant or something so she probably doesn’t make much hence why she’s keeping my mother around.

    Again, I want to clarify that I’m not homophobic. I actually believe I’m a very open-minded guy and the last thing anyone who knows me would accuse me of is being homophobic. And despite the initial shock after finding out that my own mother, the woman I’ve always been closest to, has always thought of herself as bisexual though she never acted on it, I say, despite the initial shock, I think I would’ve been able to accept her given the time to process everything. But I can’t accept her relationship with someone I believe is not capable of becoming a decent person and is taking advantage of her.

    I rarely visit my mom, and when I do I keep it short. On a weekly basis, I get texts from my mom about how much she loves me, etc. But usually, I don’t respond. I just don’t know what to say to her. She wants me to meet her girlfriend and thinks I’ll feel better about them being together if I were to meet her which is something I’m not sure I can do. Am I bad son for neglecting her? It just pains me to think about all the lies she had told us for two years and I find it hard to accept that she’s letting someone take advantage of her like that, but then sometimes I feel so terrible and sad for her and the situation she is in.

    • This topic was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by Dear WendyDear Wendy.
    #814130 Reply

    Yeah, you’re being a bad son. You’re also being homophobic, and sex-work-phobic. Sex work is work, not all sex workers fit the role you’ve apparently decided they do, and a two month difference in when someone started doing ‘other work’ which is now damn close to two years ago is so unexceptional as to be a mere blip.

    Meet the woman or don’t, but ffs let your mom live her life. She sounds like she’s living her authentic life for the first time basically ever, and she doesn’t need you spitting on that.

    #814131 Reply

    I mean I wouldn’t really want my mom dating a prostitute either but to each their own. Hell my dad married one. You clearly are homophobic or you wouldn’t feel the need to say you aren’t 100 times over while explaining that you aren’t “BUT”. Ignoring your mother when she says she loves you? What a douche. You don’t have to meet this person if you really don’t want to but the ignoring your mother part is ridiculous. OMG and really March vs May. Someone heard or relayed the info wrong. Calm the heck down. Stop stalking this woman. Your mother can give money to someone if she wants. As long as you don’t think she is draining her accounts or something and your mother isn’t aware enough to stop it, you really need to shut up.

    #814135 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    Dude. Your mother is 50 years old. She can date whomever she wants and spend her money however she wants. Is it possible that your mother is being used by a 30 year old she initially met by paying for sex and whom she’s still giving money? Sure. But how your mom spends her money and who she chooses to support with it isn’t your business.

    If you can’t love your mother enough to love her as she is, I mean, to the point of not being able to respond to her telling her you love her in return, then maybe you need to examine your own heart. Perhaps you are more homophobic than you insist you aren’t? Perhaps you love your image of what you believe your mother should be, rather than actually loving her mother for herself? Those are your feelings and they’re on you, not her.

    Nothing your mother is doing is about you, is aimed at you, or is meant to hurt, embarrass or otherwise harm you. She’s finally just saying “fuck it” to the box you (and society?) put her in and living her life life as she chooses. If you truly love her, you’ll work on yourself until you can accept that and her.

    #814150 Reply

    Hi-You have all kinds of assumptions and labels,about this woman and her relationship with your mom. I think you SHOULD meet her-this may dispel some of the ideas and anxiety you have if you can see what she is like and how she and your mom interact together. You might find your fears are confirmed-but you might end up with a more positive view.
    At least you will know more than you do now. In any case,you don’t ignore texts and calls from someone you profess to worry about and love so much. Go and visit your mom,meet this woman and then see how you feel. If you don’t like her after meeting her,well you can’t do much about it. But it is unfair to be neglectful and hurtful to your mom,without even meeting her partner.

    #814156 Reply

    WTF does “shown any kind of gayness before” mean? Obvi you’re homophobic as you state how your mother having a decent career, active in the community, active in her church are apparently all signs she was straight.

    Your mother is bisexual. She answered an ad because she obviously wanted to explore that part of herself (that had always been there) and knew her community/family wouldn’t understand.

    Is this younger woman right for her? Who knows. You don’t. You’ve never met the woman. You simply stalked her place of employment and passed a lot of judgments.

    You purposefully ignore your mother’s attempts at reaching out and want to know if you’re being a bad son. Yes, you are. She’s reaching out and letting you know that even though you’re a homophobic jerk that cares way to much about who your mother sleeps with she still loves you. Get over yourself and whatever rights you think you have over your mother’s personal life and accept your mother (you don’t have to accept the partner but you need to be polite/civil)

    #814158 Reply

    Yes, I think you are homophobic. I think your grandfather likely is also. Now you know why your mother kept this relationship a secret for such a long time. Your mother raised you. You don’t say she was a bad mother. It sounds like your biggest concern, since you mention church, is that you grew up in a homophobic religion and are all caught up in the sinfulness of it all. Was your mother ever truly into that church or just going through the motions to keep family happy? I’ll bet that if you really think hard about it, you’ll realize that the church is also a little more than a bit misogynist.

    I think you should be nicer to your mother.

    #814159 Reply

    I don’t have a problem with sex-work-phobic. It’s a business which tends to exploit both workers and customers and is also illegal. I think it should be largely legalized, but couldn’t endorse anyone’s participation as either a worker or a customer.

    #814160 Reply

    First, I don’t understand why you call your mom’s relationship an affair? It’s only an affair if at least one of them is in a committed relationship with someone else. It doesn’t sound like it so it’s a two year relationship not an affair.

    Has it occurred to you that your mom’s marriages may have failed because she wasn’t straight? Your mom was living the life that was imposed on her and now she is finally choosing to live her life openly.

    This may not be the first woman that your mom met as a paid sex worker. That may have been the easiest way for her to explore relationships with women.

    None of that matters. The woman quit working as an escort so that she could be in an exclusive relationship with your mom and she found a different job. The two months difference in start date is pretty irrelevant. When you hit fifty you often say something very similar to what you intend. I’m in my 50s and speak from experience.

    Your love for your mom sounds very conditional. You will only love her and talk to her if she fits in a very specific mold. I’m assuming that part of the reason you have your beliefs is because she raised you to have those beliefs in a religion with those beliefs so partly she helped create the mold you wish you could shove her back into and that’s not going to happen.

    You should go meet the girlfriend. You may or may not like her. That’s no different than meeting anyone else that your mom might date. Regardless of whether you like her you need to be polite and you need to understand that your mom is doing her best to live her life in a way that will allow her to be happy. I think you can agree with your mom that you want her to be happy even if you think this relationship is a mistake.

    #814177 Reply

    The letter writer refers to this as an “affair” but doesn’t mention a boyfriend, father or stepfather. I’m curious about this part.

    I think I would have a really hard time with processing the situation if I were in his shoes. Some people just takes longer to accept that there was a huge alternate internal reality for someone they feel like they knew very well, like his mother. If his mother has been people-pleasing her whole life and is a natural giver, I might have concerns that a young sex worker was taking advantage of the vulnerability of her life circumstances.

    The sex-work aspect would probably give me pause, as well, simply because the relationship began with mom trying to meet unfulfilled needs with someone who’s literal career was based on offering a service of intimacy.

    If the power dynamics remained the same when this closeted affair started and mom was continuing to provide a large amount of financial support, I can understand how this son might check whether her mother’s girlfriend’s new career narrative pans out.

    In the end, the advice is the same, it’s your mother’s life and she’s a grown person entitled to date and love as she wants. The letter writer might feel more protective towards her than if she were a man having a mid-life affair with a woman twenty-years younger than himself, but he’s going to have to assume his mom will figure her own love life out on her own terms.

    I think it’s okay to tell your mom you love her and it’s taking you some time to come to terms with all the new parts of her life. You will at some point to need make a choice to show up and be supportive, but maybe it would be helpful to acknowledge how unexpected and uncomfortable you feel with all the big changes. IMO you aren’t a bad person because you have mixed feelings about wanting to be happy and supportive while also feeling confused and unsteady about how you feel about your mother’s relationship with a younger woman.

    #814180 Reply

    Eh, this relationship would give me pause. And the LW doesn’t strike me as homophobic. Sadly, sex workers (male and female) somehow have a lousy reputation for duping much older clients (male and female) out of money under the pretext of true love. Love which somehow always fades once the money runs low…
    LW, your mother was probably always bisexual or perhaps even a lesbian — but repressed it. (Due to societal pressure to be heteronormative.) Now she is acting like a giddy 14 year old in the midst of puppylove as this is her first REAL romance in its her first homosexual romance and as such feels like its the most magical and more true ever as she is FINALLY banging who she has ALWAYS secretly wanted to bang…

    #814184 Reply

    You have decided who she is without even meeting her. You’ve armchair investigated her background and work history. I and no one else here knows if your mother is being taken advantage of. Maybe you should spend some time with them if you are truly concerned and not at all homophobic.

    If you care about your mother and think she being manipulated, why ignore and avoid her? All you are doing is pushing her closer to her girlfriend. Ignoring her texts, and never responding when she says she loves you is ridiculous. It’s beyond mean and you’re taking out your feelings on your mother.

    Is it really a surprise she decided to feel this relationship out before letting her family know? I mean look at the reaction she’s gotten. It’s no wonder she put it off.

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