Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Mom is dating an escort. How to deal with this? HELP

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Mom is dating an escort. How to deal with this? HELP

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  • #814189 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    I definitely think that the LW’s worries about whether his mother’s money is playing a role in this relationship are valid. Life isn’t a Rom Com and the odds are that this situation is much more akin to a 30-year old woman romancing a 50-year old man who buys her cars and nice things than Pretty Woman. (And, frankly, as long as both parties are getting what they want out of it, good for them.) That said, the LW’s mother has to figure that out for herself; it’s not his job to basically shun her until she puts herself back on the pedestal he wants her to live on.

    #814203 Reply

    When you refuse to reply to your mom’s texts the message she gets is that you want nothing to do with her. It certainly doesn’t say that you are concerned for her. This will leave her feeling alienated and that her girlfriend is the only person she can turn to and the only person who loves her and the only person who understands her. That only makes the relationship more valuable to your mom.

    If you think she is using your mom you need to be in your mom’s life. You need to reply to texts and you need to go and visit and you need to meet the girlfriend. You need to be polite and gracious. Your mom has to figure out her relationship for herself.

    #814230 Reply

    I get where you’re coming from. After my mom died, I discovered that my dad had started visiting escorts and he eventually started “dating” one particular prostitute. He was active in his church and an upstanding member of the community (neighbourhood watch, etc.), and my parents had believed that sex work was immoral, so I could not understand where this behaviour was coming from. I discovered bank records showing he was withdrawing hundreds of dollars in cash almost daily, and he kept describing fishy-sounding circumstances that she needed financial help with. I went a little crazy out of worry and fear for him, even getting a private investigator involved. We fought over it a lot, with crying and yelling on my part. I’m ashamed to say some of my behaviour stemmed from a fear of losing an inheritance I was feeling entitled to. He stopped telling me things and hid evidence for fear of my reactions. Our relationship fell apart.

    Eventually I snapped out of it and realized that I was involving myself far too much in my father’s personal life. I realized who he dated was none of my business, nor was how he spent his money. He didn’t feel he was being taken advantage of, and he was an adult, of sound mind, so that should have been enough for me. Realizing that the fact that I didn’t agree with what he was doing didn’t mean I had a right to interfere was a moment that lifted a ton of weight from my shoulders. I ended up meeting her, and even hosted her for Christmas once. I was able to be genuinely kind to her. I apologized to my father and we repaired our relationship. He eventually had a falling out with her, started dating non-sex workers again and remarried a horrible racist. Fun fact: I actually prefer the sex worker over her.

    If you care at all about your mother and your relationship with her, make an effort to understand where she’s coming from. It’s hard now because you’re in shock and reacting emotionally. Try to separate out your preconceived notions about sex workers and how you think your mom “should” be acting. You can be honest that you’re worried she’s being taken advantage of for her money, but only say that once, then drop it. Don’t try to punish your mom or get her to behave how you want by not responding to her. Tell her you love her. Meet her partner.

    I’ll add that expressing surprise that your mother is dating a woman because she’s an upstanding member of the community came across as homophobic (by implying you think bisexual people can’t be upstanding members of their communities).

    #814235 Reply

    Forgot to add that my father wouldn’t tell me the reason for his falling out with his girlfriend, which made me strongly suspect it was about money (he probably feared me overreacting again).
    If so, that was a lesson he needed to learn on his own.

    #814238 Reply

    You know, I buy that you’re genuinely concerned about your mother being duped by someone out to get her money, but I am not buying your claims that you aren’t being homophobic. Your attitude and behavior towards your mom is completely gross. Be supportive FFS! Answer her texts! She didn’t show any signs of gayness??? YOU’RE HER SON. My divorced, heterosexual parents certainly don’t involve me in their sex lives, and thank the Sky Fairy for that because I really don’t want to know unless they are closeted and decide to come out and live their best, most genuine lives.

    You ought to text your mother this instant and tell her how much you love her. And go meet the girlfriend. After you’ve met her and have given her a fair chance, if you still feel very strongly that she’s being taken advantage of, then you can MAYBE voice your concerns IF and ONLY IF they’re coming from a place of love. But I seriously doubt that’s the case at present based on this letter which reeks of judgment and selfishness. Be better to your mom.

    #814273 Reply

    As much as I don’t like being manipulative have you ever thought that by being your mum’s ally in all this she might be able to see her girlfriend more clearly? If she feels a little less ‘us against the world’ any shadiness on the girlfriend’s part might become clearer to her. And FWIW I’ve seen BGM’s theory in action, that first open homosexual relationship can be a powerful one. My 30 year old friend ended up marrying her first 50 year old lady love and they’re stupidly happy but they got to come to that conclusion on their own because they didn’t have outside pressures warping their idea of what the partnership should look like.

    #814328 Reply

    I’m confused. Later on, you admit that she’s always thought of herself as bisexual, but at the beginning, part of your argument is that she’s always been attracted to men.

    If you have reason to tell people you aren’t homophobic, you probably are. Sorry.

    I do think you’re handling this situation very poorly. If you truly care about you mom and THAT is why you are concerned, then why are you trying to distance yourself from her? If I’m concerned about someone I love, then I try to spend more time talking to them, not less. I guess I’m not understanding what you think your distance will do. Which is why it seems like you’re just trying to punish her, not act on the concern you claim to have.

    Regardless of what the subject it, making this many assumptions without even giving someone the benefit of the doubt (you being unwilling to get to know this person, talk to your mom about it, consider that you might not always be right about everything) is really childish and selfish.

    If you actually love your mom and are upset because you care about her, then act like it.

    #814390 Reply

    Honestky? I think the label homophobic is being misused here. I am gay as fuck — but I would certainly be blindsided and beyond confused if either of my parents suddenly started dating a same-sex sexworker decades younger than them… Damn straight, I would also be stratching my head and mentioning as backstory I never saw any signs of gayness from them either. All that could just as easily be fact — rather than homophobia. And to be confused and unsettled by such a transactionary relationship doesn’t make one sexworkerphobic. I’ve had a lot of relationships… funny. Nobidy has EVER helped me buy a fucking car. NEWSFLASH: that is a huge, HUGE red flag heee

    #814399 Reply

    Missed this thread.

    I don’t know that I’m quite on the same page with everyone else.

    I aknowledge that how the OP reacted was, not ideal, and he does come off like he has some homophobic thoughts. HOWEVER, this was a pretty big bomb that was dropped on him, that his church-going mother was not in fact a straight woman, when she had presented herself that way his entire life.

    Not everyone is going to react perfectly to that kind of news, or even well, when they feel blindsided. Even Dan Savage advises people give their families a year to come around. So, I do hope going forward he gets involved in PFLAG to get himself educated; and accepts that his mother was never actually fully straight, but I’m also inclined to cut him a little slack, at first.

    And I also think the rush here to appear sex-positive and not demonize sex workers is getting a lot of people to overlook the fact that, yeah, this relationship might be a little concerning from the outside, and I don’t think he’s out of line for having some worries.

    His mother has jumped very quickly into what seems to be a pretty serious relationship to someone much younger, and has already started giving them substantial monetary gifts. Could everything be above board? Sure, maybe.

    But, come on, there are lots of examples of young people hooking up with older people for the financial benefits. Sometimes that’s mutual with everybody understanding the deal, but sometimes its the younger person taking advantage of the older person’s attraction and interest.

    Honestly – if we set aside the sexuality and sex worker aspects of this story, I think people would be giving different advice. If the OP’s mother was involved suddenly with a much younger man and was giving him large financial gifts, I think most people would be reacting differently.

    #814402 Reply

    LW – I get this is a shock. And I understand that you are worried about your mom. I would be too. But to shun your mother is wrong. She loves you and you should love her in return. You should be closer to her if you worry about this relationship not farther away. If this person should be feared, then having your mother isolated is the worst possible situation.

    Now, the judgement you have levied against a woman you haven’t met is clear and you should keep an open mind.

    #814404 Reply

    As actual advice to you though OP, you’ve got to be gentle here with your mom. If you ignore her or chastsize her choices, you will drive her away.

    If this young woman is taking advantage, that will only give her more ability to do so.

    And if she’s not, if she genuinely loves and accept your mother, well eventually you may want to come around and accept her, but if you shut your mom you’re not going to get that chance.

    In the meantime, as I mentioned, tried to find support to help you through this revelation. Maybe check out PFLAG. Even if your mother eventually dispenses of this relationship, she’s going to be gay or bi forever, so do your best to be supportive and get the resources you need to do so.

    #814437 Reply

    Being concerned is one thing. Being a jerk and ignoring your mom is another.

    This mother is 49 years old and has been dating this woman for three years, if the intro to this post is worded correctly. I’m just going to choose to believe she is of sound mind and body. The only large monetary gift he knows of was help she gave willingly with a down payment. She’s not 79 and potentially being robbed or elder-abused. She’s 49.

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