This topic contains 39 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Bittergaymark 1 week, 5 days ago.
January 4, 2019 at 3:32 pm #814439
Wow, these people bashing here aren’t making sense.
1- I sympathize with you and your honest concerns for the well being of your mom (whether it is founded or not) to me shows you actually are a good son. Compared to what some others say ‘to just let her do what she wants’, of course you have to because she is older than you and a parent, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have concerns as her child that especially will be taking care of her in old age.
2- Others say to have an open mind towards sexuality, but are not willing to themselves have an open mind towards other people’s beliefs as long as it let’s others live their personal lives. Not being homophobic doesn’t mean supporting behavior against religious beliefs (he obviously spoke of church, his right, where the mom also frequents despite her behaviors that are obvious-even to myself as an atheist- to be against Christian principles), it means not thinking of gay/lesbian people as lesser, violating the private sphere and not bullying/violence against the group. He clearly stated he wasn’t homophobic multiple times, seemingly because he was scared he would be called such.
3- What I think is that this is perhaps, or perhaps not, the downturn in a spiraling life where your mother did a sudden 180 in the past year. These quick turns (of whichever directions and behaviors) tend to indicate in human psychological condition that something happened, she is copping with an issue, she is trying to find herself now that her children are older, she is lonely, she wants excitement etc. (or all of them). As a concerned son, you should sit and talk with her honestly for her to alleviate your worries and you can have a clearer heart.
4- You should also talk to D, as yes there is a tendency in how prostitutes behave un-principally towards money and using clients (this is because many are in a desperate situation and the nature of the job), not all are like this, and she may be honestly not using your mom. You may be uncomfortable that she was a prostitute because of the understandable disagreement with such an industry, but also understand that many women go into because they are desperate. We can always understand the man who steals bread to feed his family, even if we don’t agree with theft itself, right?
5- The age difference is quite an issue, and may be indicating that she is using your mother, as well as the unequal power dynamic may actually work towards the younger women’s favor. The age difference is almost a give away that it’s a scam + your mom found her through an ad… my uncle had a literal relationship affair with a woman he found through an ad and she used him up and down (like most internet scams)… Talk to your mom, but also know that she is most likely going to do what she does until whatever end this may come to.
But know, there’s always a needle in the hay stack.
Best of luck sir!January 4, 2019 at 3:32 pm #814441
It’s been a few weeks that he has known. This was pretty huge news that was dropped on him. I think he’s entitled to a little bit of time to adjust and act less than perfectly magnanimously.January 4, 2019 at 3:37 pm #814442
Yeah. Again. I think this guy is getting a bad rap. Sorry, but if providing the down payment for a car to a decades younger a worker isn’t a red flag… Really? I don’t know what is.January 4, 2019 at 3:42 pm #814444
He wrote he was told a year ago.January 4, 2019 at 3:45 pm #814445
You’re right to worry, and your mother is a damn idiot. You don’t have to meet the girlfriend. It’ll make your mother sad, but I wouldn’t be able to welcome a con artist into my family, either.
If you really want to support your mother, set up a new bank account for mom (don’t tell her anything about it) and start saving for when the girlfriend has milked your mother dry and her retirement savings are gone. Sadly, I fear you will need it.January 4, 2019 at 3:46 pm #814446
19 years difference. 30 and 49 is really not so different. At least they’re both grown adults. My husband is 13 years older than me and bought me expensive gifts when we were newly dating. No one seemed concerned he was being fleeced.
And these women have been together for 3 years. Maybe she is paying for sex and companionship. She’s a grown adult and makes her own choices. I mean, she supposedly answered the escort ad. If she’s blowing her savings, she’s doing it with her eyes open.January 4, 2019 at 5:32 pm #814459
The son has known for A YEAR, beyond that i wanted to comment on Unsure’s point #3.
There are people in the LGTBQ community who consider themselves to be Christians. Just because the LW’s particular sect (and i admit multiple others) condemn it doesn’t mean the mother can’t be allowed to be a Christian and embrace her sexuality.January 4, 2019 at 6:39 pm #814468
For CurlyQue, – Sorry, I think you misunderstood me.
Of course you can consider yourself Christian and do whatever you please at the same time. I just meant that foundational principles, structures and passages within the religion are against certain sexual acts, one of them homosexual acts.
I don’t agree with that point of view, as I’m an atheist, but I understand when someone who shows they are Christian (or other religions) may show they don’t agree with certain behavior.
The important thing is that everyone respects each other and their human dignity 🙂January 4, 2019 at 7:51 pm #814478
He should probably unpack this with a therapist. He wouldn’t have written this question if he didn’t know on some level that he is going to need to accept a situation he feels angry over (right or wrong).
Maybe he does have some internalized homophobia (perhaps in part based on the religion his mother was/is active within). A lot of religious communities put an emphasis on trust, honesty, and fidelity.
I don’t know how he was raised, but I do know that he feels his mother lied to everyone in her life (maybe including someone he knew and liked a lot) in order to pay a woman almost his age to be her escort.
Her actions ran contrary to what he was taught or what he came to internalize as a moral code. The fact that she cheated with an escort and has given her money doesn’t make him feel any more secure around this new person.
I think he knows he shouldn’t be shunning his mother. He needs help coming to terms with how he feels.
Letter writer, your mom can’t undo her choices and may not believe she did anything wrong or anything to warrant your response.
If you want to do right, you need to forgive her for the sense of shock and upheaval you felt learning about this part of her. You may not think this escort deserves trust but it is your mother’s choice. Adults get to decide their relationships. You need to strive to love her as unconditionally as you would want to be loved in return. You can’t keep punishing her with unanswered texts and shunning her new life. You may not be able to be as close to her girlfriend as you were in the past to her former husbands but you can be polite and choose to be kind. Sorry it’s been such a rough road for you these last few years.January 10, 2019 at 8:37 am #815134
I think you should support your mom. You don’t know D doesn’t love her…she might be very much in love. And you know what, your mom’s love life is her business not yours. D makes your mom happy and you should be happy for your mom. Personally, I think you need to drop the hostility and be more open…spend time with D and your mom and get to know D as a person. Forget about her past and stop judging her for that. If this relationship turns out to be a mistake that is for your mom to deal with…not you.January 10, 2019 at 8:44 am #815135
Added – After you get to know D and see the relationship in person and spend time with your mom then you will see if this really is love or if it is more a case of D taking advantage of your mom. Then talk to your mom about your concerns.Don’t avoid your mom. Spent more time with her My grandpa got duped after my grandma died…he quickly got in a relationship with a much younger woman who distanced him from family and spent all his money. She was a shopaholic and when we finally got him away from her we found the garage filled with stuff she had bought and had not even taken out of the boxes yet.January 10, 2019 at 11:04 am #815154
It’s been two years, so it must be pretty serious. Sounds like she is happy. You haven’t even met her yet.
My advice? Meet her.
And answer your mom’s texts, lol.