This topic contains 34 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by CET 2 months, 3 weeks ago.
- June 12, 2019 at 7:55 am #845172
@bagge72 I’m guessing it’s religious. My partner is Hindu and while we eat everything, his mom also doesn’t touch beef or pork.
My opinion is that if the mom is just visiting, it would be nice to find a way to accommodate her, just like you would any other guest.
For example, my best friend is Muslim, so when she comes for family dinners, we never make anything with pork. My mom will substitute with like, turkey bacon or whatever. Because my friend is a guest and we’re happy to go out of our way to accommodate her!
If my partner’s mother was visiting our home, I would also accommodate her for the duration of her stay.
But my guess is that this LWs mother in law has a habit of shaming them and trying to force her beliefs on them, so it frustrates LW and makes her not want to be accommodating. Which is understandable. But if it’s just a visit, whatever, don’t turn it into a big fight.June 12, 2019 at 8:24 am #845176
My answer might be a little different – but how about while MIL is around, you treat nanny to food? I’m sure she’ll have no objection with getting free food. Maybe frame it as ‘hey my MIL has weird views, mind if I treat you for lunch for this time period? Sorry for the inconvenience’. Heck, maybe enlist MIL to help cook – in my experience MILs love to feel needed when they’re visiting their sons. That way everyone is appeased. I have Asian heritage so I definitely hear you on unreasonable mother in laws with bizarre superstitious beliefs.June 12, 2019 at 8:32 am #845178
But something can be done, the mother in law can stay in a hotel if she doesn’t like it.June 12, 2019 at 8:40 am #845179
Also, I should state that I think accommodating a short term guest is easier than I guest that comes to stay for months at a time. MissD if your Muslim friend came over for dinner every night for 2 months would you accommodate her every time?June 12, 2019 at 9:04 am #845185
I’m with you MissD, I believe that’s the situation as well. I also think people are treating this as kind of joke and like it doesn’t matter at all. Because the LW has a problem with it, and says it’s a stupid superstition, and also thinks this ML is a burden, that she should just totally ignore her ML’s religious beliefs. If I had a Muslim or other religious friend or family member that I really cared about who wanted to stay with me for two months, I would accommodate and not have pork or beef in the house, there are plenty of other foods to eat in that time period.June 12, 2019 at 9:15 am #845186
@SM is that the situation, though? Is MIL coming to stay with them for 2 months straight? I didn’t see that in the LWs letter… or did I miss it?
If that’s the case, if MIL is essentially moving into their home for months on end, the husband needs to talk to his mother. He needs to say “Mom, as much as you don’t like it, our Nanny is allowed to bring whatever she wants for lunch. We will ask her to keep her lunch in a mini-fridge so it’s not in contact with our food, but she’s allowed to bring whatever she wants, plain and simple.”
But if that’s not the case… if MIL is really just visiting for a while, just be kind and accommodate her. Find a compromise with the Nanny. Tell her it’s just for a short while. Buy her lunch as others said, or find a way to make up for whatever inconvenience it may cause her.
I personally would not at all mind if someone told me “Hey, my MIL is really religious, would you mind not bringing beef or pork for lunch for the short time she’s staying with us? I can make sure there are other good things in the fridge for you during this time.”
I think it’s just easier to keep the peace and be an accommodating host for MILs visit. The Nanny’s lunch is not worth stirring up drama over.June 12, 2019 at 9:20 am #845187
@bagge72 Same here, I love my best friend dearly, far more than I give a shit about having pork or beef. I’d be totally happy to eat chicken and turkey and tofu and whatever else if she was coming to stay with me for 2 months. Lots of other good things to eat!
But my friend is also a reasonable person, who is totally ok with other people eating pork around her. So… she would probably want to make sure there was no cross contamination, but she wouldn’t care if I had bacon in the fridge.
And this is what makes me think the LWs mother in law has a history of trying to force her own beliefs onto others, which makes LW resent her and not want to try to find a middle ground during a visit.June 12, 2019 at 10:06 am #845191
“But something can be done, the mother in law can stay in a hotel if she doesn’t like it.”
LOL, no. I’m having hot flashes just imagining the shitstorm that would occur if I tried to put my partner’s parents (Indo-Caribbean Hindus) in a hotel.
My partner and I eat everything (he’s queasy about beef, but only bc of lack of exposure; he’s not religious) but we don’t eat beef or pork around his parents ever. It would horrify them. And really, it’s not that hard to skip it. As for the matter at hand, I like @MP’s suggestion to provide the nanny with lunch if she temporarily abstains from beef and pork.June 12, 2019 at 10:47 am #845198
I think you should talk to the nanny and ask her to not bring in beef or pork for the weeks the MIL is there. The reason why I say this is that chances are the nanny and MIL will be alone together while you are working and you want your nanny to be comfortable. Just explain the religious/cultural beliefs. She can bring turkey, chicken, ect and with enough time, this should be an easy adjustment. With other requests, I would take them as they come.
While I think this is frustrating, I wouldn’t die on this hill.June 12, 2019 at 10:55 am #845199
Since the MIL objects to the presence of pork or beef in the entire house, then the only two (feasible) options here are to ask the nanny not to bring pork or beef during this time or to provide lunch for her during this time. If you think your MIL will be watching over your nanny’s shoulder to see what she’s eating or make any kind of comments about it, then I’d go ahead and provide lunch. It’s a huge pain in the ass, but probably less trouble than dealing with the fallout over telling MIL to deal with it.June 12, 2019 at 11:18 am #845200
@missd She said “she comes to stay with us months at a time” … that to me is too long. If it was a week or two, yes. But months at a time? That is a long time to change the way I run my house hold.June 12, 2019 at 11:28 am #845201