Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Mother in law forgot my birthday

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  • This topic has 14 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by avatarPhoebe.
Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 15 total)
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  • #1009153 Reply

    I have been with my partner for 8 years. Mother in law usually sends a card, sometimes a gift. Sometimes no gift.

    This year she forgot and I didn’t get a phone call or a text.
    I feel kinda hurt by this. I’ve always made an effort on her birthday every year since her son and I got into a relationship.
    I’ve also always felt that she was never really bothered by me in general until very recently, maybe that’s why I feel so hurt by this.

    Should I be offended?

    Also, my parents always make an effort on my partner’s birthday and make a big fuss over him so maybe I am comparing my family to his.

    #1009154 Reply

    Also, I should add that she usually passes a card to my partner to give to me. She doesn’t come see me or call me

    #1009155 Reply

    There’s A LOT going on right now. I have forgotten many a birthday in my day. I would let this go gracefully.

    #1009159 Reply

    Maybe she simply forgot. This pandemic situation is a heavy burden for everybody. It is a tiny offense… Just forget it yourself, and continue your tradition to offer her a card and a gift with your husband at her birthday. Frankly, be happy to have such minor problems and happy birthday!

    #1009161 Reply

    And some people… just aren’t that into birthdays.

    #1009162 Reply

    No, you shouldn’t be offended. Assume she forgot.

    #1009163 Reply

    Look: Her remembering or forgetting your birthday actually isn’t about you. It’s about her being a caring person who likes to do nice things on birthdays. And it looks like this year, she forgot. There’s a lot going on. It’s hard to focus. You should let this go and not take it personally.

    #1009166 Reply

    So, trying not to be snarky, but after your 21st birthday, no one cares about adults’ birthdays.

    Maybe your partner should remember, but that’s about it.

    Sh*ts been wild the last year, forgive her for her oversight. Her mental energy has probably been consumed by other things, and she’s probably lost a good sense of time, like all the rest of us.

    #1009167 Reply

    Also – I realize your family is one that makes a big deal out of birthdays, but I wouldn’t say that’s typical or should be the blanket expectation.

    My own mother – who pushed me out of her own body – pretty much just gives me a call on my birthday to mark the occasion. No presents, no cards, no big to-do. Not since I became an independent adult.

    My husband will remember and usually does something nice, but we’re still talking like planning a nice dinner or something.

    At a certain point, birthdays don’t really matter to most people anymore. Unless maybe it’s a particularly momentous one, like a 30th, 40th, 50th, etc.

    #1009171 Reply

    She’s probably been staying in and not going to card shops and lots of people she normally would have sent cards to this year haven’t got one.TBH I’d rather people I knew just went out for absolute essentials, lots of things people normally do have gone by the board this year, I’d definitely not take it at all personally.She probably used to enjoy going out and getting cards for people, that’s not been much fun for anyone lately. Have a nice zoom call or something maybe if you are still worried about how she feels about you. To lots of people birthdays are no big deal, so it’s unlikely a sign of anything amiss.

    #1009212 Reply
    avatarBess Marvin

    Where I live, pandemic restrictions mean you can only buy certain items deemed “essential” in stores, and greeting cards are not considered essential items so you can’t buy cards in person, only online or curbside pickup. I totally would not expect my mother-in-law (or anyone really, including my husband) to go to the trouble and expense of ordering me a birthday card online.

    Anyway I realize that’s probably not the situation where MIL is, but I agree with everyone that a) birthdays are not necessarily big deals for everyone; and b) in pandemic times they are even less remarkable for almost everyone, I’d imagine, and therefore easier to forget, so OP should just let it go.

    #1009238 Reply

    You need to reframe the birthday thing in your mind. Think of any birthday card or gift you receive as an adult to be a lovely bonus, not an expectation. Do you enjoy giving cards or gifts? If so, keep doing it! But if you find the chore burdensome yourself- let it go. You’ll find most adults don’t care.

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