December 23, 2020 at 4:55 pm #980872KaylieGuest
What do I do? I have done nothing wrong to my mother in law (yes truthfully). Yet she continues to say bad things about me like she knows me and being very fake. My fiancé is an only child so it makes it hard. But she is constantly pushing me out of their little group and she keeps begging for alone time like taking a trip without me and all. I’m confused because it makes me feel really weird. If we’re getting married I don’t get why I cant be a part of it. Also everytime I go over there or near her I get a weird defensive and a want to be rude attitude and I don’t know how to fix itDecember 23, 2020 at 7:58 pm #981003briseGuest
I would reconsider the wedding. Such a problem is not minor. It is not so much his mother, but him. He is totally absent from your post. You don’t say clearly what really happens, but why does he let his mother say bad things about you? Her attitude is weird indeed, possessive, but if he accepts all that, if he can’t take some distance from his family and assert his autonomy in his choices of partner, he is not mature for being married.
You both are not yet there, being ready to marry, in my opinion.
Anyway, I wouldn’t be interested at all in taking a trip with such a person. The less you see her, the best you will be. But if he does take trips with his mum as “alone time”, as an adult, frankly, it is strange. Once, ok, but regularly? Is he a mummy boy?
I would have a thorough discussion with him. Don’t focus on this woman. She is old, disgraceful, a problem: avoid her. Don’t get caught in a “being rude” attitude: that is a mistake. Simply don’t go there. She is his mother, she will only get worse with time, so if you get married, you will have to deal with her and be very detached about it, like you know she is nuts and you are aware of her mental condition, so no need to get rude or defensive. Be cordial and distant and mind your own business. Decrease drastically your own visits frequency.
But him? He must be able to discuss it with you. How does he see your marriage? Your family unit? Your autonomy as a couple? Does he feel that he is ready to move away of his parents and to found his own family? Can he say no to his mother? What can he do so that the situation is manageable for you? Is he himself aware of her bad treatment of you and critical about it?
That is what matters: him, not her.December 23, 2020 at 8:12 pm #981014briseGuest
And the simplest solution, while you reflect on your wedding’s project, is to let your fiance visit his family without you. If his mother sees that you are not cutting him off his family, the tension might decrease. You are not obligated to have a great relationship with your in-laws. You are obligated to be polite and cordial when you see them, and the frequency depends on their own cordiality and politeness. React in a polite way, but react when she says bad things about you if you must be there: at the very minimum, say “thank you, MIL’s first name.” “Noted, thank you for expressing your opinion.” “I am sorry you feel that way, but thanks for sharing.”
And if you disagree on opinions: “let’s agree we disagree, that will be simpler.” The message is: “I couldn’t care less of what you think about me, but I won’t fight with you, you don’t matter so much to me, let’s just be civil.”December 23, 2020 at 9:51 pm #981084
Your problem is with your bf or fiancé. Why does his mom even have mean things to say about you, if he hasn’t said them to her? He doesn’t ask her to be kind and accept you? Being rude to her and having a wedge between you will not help your situation. I would seriously reconsider getting married to a man that doesn’t seem to stand up for you or have your back. Sometimes families really suck, but he should at least be at your side. It’s sounds like he lets his mom rule his life.December 23, 2020 at 10:44 pm #981121BittergaymarkGuest
Yeah. How does he react to all this drama? Your future MIL sounds utterly exhausting. You sound very even keeled.December 27, 2020 at 10:14 pm #985180BettyGuest
My MIL didn’t like me for about ten years. My husband told her early on to be nice to me, but she adopted the whole “She’s stealing you away, I hate her” attitude. We live three hours away from her and have no regrets about the distance. As he has gotten distance from her he realizes how toxic she is, and awkwardly I am the one who reminds him to call her and communicate with her. Your fiancé needs to stick up for you, set boundaries, and push back against her negativity.December 28, 2020 at 4:51 pm #985978
Please look into the case of Chris Watts. His mother treated her daughter in law with absolute contempt, and her son didn’t help the situation. He did very little, and often nothing to deal with the appalling behaviour displayed by his mother. As a result, his wife endured years of misery at the hands of her mother in law, conceding when she wasn’t in the wrong just to keep the peace, and feeling constantly outcast to the family. Whilst the murders themselves are the sole responsibility of Chris Watts himself – his mothers attitude towards his wife were at the very least a contributing factor to how his actions came to materialise.
No you are not likely to be murdered by this womans son. This is obviously an extreme case with similar seeds to what you have expressed. However, speaking as someone who has been in your situation with the mother of partners – this will never get easier. You may develop healthy ways of dealing with it, but it won’t ever hurt less, you won’t feel any less pushed out and is likely to only get worse over time. No partner is worth that torment. You deserve better. Also, where is he in all of this? Why does he allow ANYONE (mother or not) to treat the woman he supposedly loves in such a way.
Marriage is for life (at least it is meant to be). Really step back and look at what you are signing yourself up for. He may be an incredible man – but the fact you are hear asking for help shows that his good points aren’t enough to make the bad with his mother not hurt you. A marriage certificate won’t make her like you, it won’t make it hurt less, and it won’t make him defend you any more than he has been.December 28, 2020 at 6:12 pm #986042
Why was Chris’s Watts relevant? Seriously, that has nothing to do with this at all.December 28, 2020 at 7:05 pm #986081
Chris Watts’s mother hated Shanann (her daughter in law) and made it known from day 1 that she wasn’t ‘part of the family’. She would outcast her from family events, make a point to ignore her when she was present, didn’t attend the wedding and dismiss her as the mother to her grandchildren. She is a very good example of the damage that can be done by mother-in-laws who adopt the weird ‘youve stolen my son from me attitude’ that seems to be quite common. Of course she is an extreme example – but an example nonetheless. Shanann suffered a lot of heartache and frustration for the exact behaviour that OP is claiming to be going through, so I figured it was very relevant, and would be a good resource for her to look into and see she is not alone in this type of experience. The behaviour of Cindy Watts (the mother in law) is of course very miniscule in the case but is important nonetheless, and a good point of reference for other women going through similar situations.December 28, 2020 at 7:27 pm #986099
That has nothing to do with this, though. And it’s not a good reference for the LW. Why would you refer her to a murderer who killed his whole family as an example of a bad relationship with a mother in law? I understand you think this is a great example of a mean mother in law, but it’s not really. She was a mean mother in law. A lot of people have them, and don’t end up in a true crime documentary Netflix. You saw the similarities and thought it was a good point or something, but I don’t think it is.
A lot of people have issues with their in laws, and Chris Watts’ mother had nothing to do with him killing his entire family. It’s not a good reference point because it has nothing to do with mother in law relationships. Maybe Chris Watts’ mom ate a lot of cheeseburgers. That also doesn’t have any relevance to what he did.
I just don’t understand why you’d bring up a gross murderer who did something incredibly horrific into a thread about mother in laws. There are a lot of people with troubling family relationships out there. It’s totally off the subject.December 28, 2020 at 7:48 pm #986115
I was more bringing up a high profile – widely known toxic relationship between mother in law and daughter in law. I did say that she wasn’t likely to be murdered by her partner just because there is another case of such a poor in law relationship where such a tragedy happened. It was merely meant as a point of reference for her to see that others have gone through similar experiences. I didn’t mean to offend or upset anyone. I personally felt the mother/daughter in law relationship was relevant but I shan’t bring up it again.December 28, 2020 at 8:39 pm #986155KateKeymaster
I think that’s another (extreme) example of “you don’t have a mother-in-law problem, you have a husband problem.” That murderer piece of shit was her problem, and allowing his mom to treat his wife that way was just part of it.