December 1, 2018 at 6:19 pm #810638
I currently live in a country outside my home country, but it’s is only a 4 hour flight away. I am seriously considering a move to the west coast, which would be a 21 hour journey (with a lay over in the middle) home. I am 34 years old, single and can move if I want to. I have been offered an amazing job that could do wonders to my career. I have also really liked the city I might move to, having visited several times.
My mother lives alone in my home country. My sibling lives a 5 hour flight away abroad as well. Both my mother and sibling have been completely unsupportive and my mom feels like I am abandoning her. My sister has been judgemental about how I’m still single (even if subtly) and I’m hopping around the world instead of trying to find someone to settle down with. God knows I have tried and I’m just at a point where I don’t want to optimise and make all decisions around changing my singlehood (which in any case I don’t fully control).
Secondly, I lost my father a few years ago to a terminal illness. I was the kid who lived with them and took care of him and supported my mom for over two years. I loved him and would do it a million times over.
But I can’t help but feel my family takes me for granted. My sibling had always took decisions that optimised to her husband and career. My mom only things about how my life decisions impact her and not what may be right for me.
I really want to take this exciting job,move to the US and I know I will make an effort to make friends and date more actively. Am I being selfish here ? Am I being blinded by my ambition or shot at happiness? I would love an unbiased opinionDecember 1, 2018 at 6:52 pm #810642
.December 1, 2018 at 7:00 pm #810643
Do it. You don’t mention anything about your mom needing assistance. Her guilt trip is not something you need to internalize. If your sister has an issue with your choices that’s her problem—she sounds a touch jealous to me. Set aside time to visit home when you can but live your life as you see fit. Your mom and sister made their choices, you get to do the same. Good luck!December 1, 2018 at 7:15 pm #810645
Thanks. My mom is 64 and she is healthy at the moment but has anxiety around something going wrong given that she is on her ownDecember 1, 2018 at 9:09 pm #810654
Move. Do not look back. You mom could be around for 30 plus years. She should be working on her own life, having her own local backup. You really will not have your own life if you keep putting them first.December 1, 2018 at 11:34 pm #810663
Omg, relatively speaking 64 is young. My in-laws are a decade older and they are fine.
Go and live your life. Really try to not feel guilty for that. Your main responsibility is to yourself. Do what makes you happy.December 2, 2018 at 10:08 am #810688
When people try to guilt you they are trying to manipulate you. They don’t try to manipulate you for your own good. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself. You can’t live your entire life trying to please your family. They aren’t worrying about trying to please you. If this move is good for you then you can move if you want. Ultimately your mother needs a social circle of her own. If something happens you can deal with it. We live in the US and my husband’s mum lives in England. Last year she was very ill and he flew to England to spend a week with her and help her when she came home from the hospital. You will figure out ways to make this work.
Your sister is probably worried that if you move that far away she will have to make more effort. Too bad for her. You already put in more effort than her to help with your dad. It is her turn to make a greater effort. Your mom and your sister should each be happy for you if this is a good move for you. If they can’t be happy for you then they are being selfish. Your sister is also probably afraid that you will meet someone and get married in the US and she doesn’t want that to happen because it anchors you more tightly to the country and to staying. You can’t be self-sacrificing for your entire life. You must find the path that works for you.December 2, 2018 at 10:37 am #810690
Thanks skyblossom, it’s so valuable to have a an objective opinion for me. What you say does make sense!December 2, 2018 at 11:04 am #810696
Move. Life your life and seize this opportunity. Move. Your siblings are — frankly — being obnoxious selfish asshats and douche canoes about this. The next time the comment on you being single — comment on their dreary as fuck marriages… maybe say, “Sis, please. Stop. Seeing you “settle” so completely and whoa! talk about down! — is already depressing enough.” ;0December 2, 2018 at 3:09 pm #810722
Taking a job doesn’t mean you’ll be there for the rest of your life. Take the opportunity and if later on, you feel like it’s not somewhere you want to continue living, then you can make a change.December 2, 2018 at 5:14 pm #810728
Take the job. Your mother is only 64, healthy, and with a lot of life ahead of her. You enable her by allowing her to cling to you. She needs to re-establish her independence and get on with her life. She probably has 25-years of healthy second-life ahead of her. She needs to figure that our for herself. She is far too young and healthy to retreat from life and cling to her children as support. If something serious and unexpected happens, your sister is relatively nearby — only an hour farther way than you are now.December 2, 2018 at 9:10 pm #810735
My mom is 74 and in poor health. She follows me. Fortunately, we haven’t had to move in 10 years. Point is, she needs help, I am her help, so she follows me or finds a different alternative.