Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Moving in with my grandma

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This topic contains 34 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar CET 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #814408 Reply
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    Unsure

    So where to start…

    I’m insecure about moving out my mom’s house in one city, and moving into another city (where I was born, 5 hours away) with my aging and lonely grandma.
    I’m 21, have been very close to my mom (she’s a single parent with my 2 little sisters who are 13 and 12) but we have been getting into arguments lately where she thinks I don’t do enough around the house even when I do chores and help her with 500$ a month since I was 19 (between 18-19 I payed her 300$) even though I have a dead end job that I hate where I work from home.
    So, I’m annoyed and flabbergasted but do want a different job and want to move back to the city I’m actually from with my grandma I love (though she is a little special) but still insecure about leaving my family unit where my mom depended on me a lot to manage my now teenage sisters who are getting out of control in that teenager way.
    Also, without the 500$ I help her with, I’m worried for her financially.
    Moreover, my mom and her mom (my grandma) are in quite a rift at the moment and I feel caught in the middle at times, especially with moving in with her. I feel like I’m leaving my mom behind, this may be messed up, but it’s also the effect of being raised by a single parent I think.
    However, I’m getting older and should move out, I’m still unsure if it’s too soon or I’m making the wrong choice. There are also seems to be more opportunities in the field I want to be in, in the city my mom is compared to my grandma.
    Urgh… I’m so unsure and insecure. I would be moving in with my grandma by March 2019, and don’t know if I’m making the right choice. This might sound childish but I’m actually really emotionally attached to my mom.
    What advice would you have for me?

    #814410 Reply
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    Northern Star

    You aren’t a kid anymore, so you need to start thinking like an adult and planning your future. First: You need a better job. If you can’t get one for whatever reason while living with your mom, you need to move. You aren’t actually a second parent to your sisters—they are old enough to take care of themselves anyway—and you can’t put your future on hold to help out your mom anymore.

    Do you have any vocational training? If you can take classes to get a certification of some sort while living with your grandma, please do so. You need a career, not just a job, to truly become a self-sufficient adult.

    Best of luck.

    #814413 Reply
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    Unsure

    If I were to move out, do you think I should still help my mom with the bills? Not 500 anymore, but maybe 200/month?

    #814416 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    NO. Your mom is a grown ass woman who should pay her own fucking bills. My patience with sad sack parents who insist on turning their teens into handy indentured servants is at an end.
    .
    Lead your own life.
    .
    Start now. Or else you will be stuck having mommy riding on your gravy train forever.

    #814417 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    That’s up to you, but you aren’t going to be making much, let alone enough to support your mom. She’s the parent, not you. You aren’t responsible for her or your sisters. It’s harsh, but your mom can’t have it both ways: She can’t treat you like a child if you’re paying rent. She gets one or or the other.

    If you can’t pay your own bills and put a little away for emergencies, then no, you don’t give to your mom.

    #814423 Reply
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    ele4phant

    At a certain point, we all have to go out on our own, and make our own lives. That’s part of growing up.

    It seems that time is now for you.

    I don’t think you should contribute financially to your mother’s household anymore, but that’s up to you.

    Certainly I don’t think you should give her money if that means depriving yourself of paying your own bills and getting yourself established financially. If there’s extra left over and that’s what you want to do with it, okay. But don’t screw yourself because you feel bad. You have to start your own life eventually.

    #814428 Reply
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    Unsure

    I guess, yes I should be more of an adult and move out if there are issues when I stay with my mom, then maybe lever that by helping my mom financially a little so I don’t feel as bad.

    Maybe call me old-fashioned, but I think kids always have duties to their parents, perhaps though it seems I may take it too extreme by even staying with my mom helping with her personal problems, paying bills and doing the chores when it’s not really appreciated and puts barriers on my future…

    I guess I’ll try out living with my grandma at first and see how things go. Thanks everyone for your time and advice 🙂

    #814435 Reply
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    Northern Star

    NO. Do NOT send your mother money if you don’t live with her (paying rent is another thing). It is not your job or responsibility to pay any of her bills. She should not have raised you to believe that.

    Your responsibility is to take care of yourself financially (including saving for retirement) so you don’t continue the cycle by trapping your own kids into paying your bills because all your money went to your mom.

    #814436 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    At your age I was working 2 -3 jobs plus school. You need to be hustling right now. If one job isnt cutting it get a new one or get another job. If you want a solid longevity job learn a trade or skill. Thats great that you are family orientated but if your mom needs your help she will ask. If you are working a 9-5 get a job on the days your off to help accumulate more income. You gotta get that grind going. Be a good example to your siblings on how to be independence and have good work ethics. Dont be that weird 30yr old whose parents had to go through the legal system to throw him out.

    #814438 Reply
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    ele4phant

    Maybe call me old-fashioned, but I think kids always have duties to their parents,

    I mean yes, but not at the expense of sinking yourself. Ultimately, parents raise their children to become self-sufficient and make their own way, not to be forever indebted to them.

    You should start standing on your own two feet. Your *mother* should be standing on her own two feet. I know its hard to be a single mother, but the trade-off is that you can keep your children as income generators to help support you.

    I’m not saying don’t do *anything* for your mother, but you need to start making your own way in life. That is your first priority and obligation now. If you have yourself covered financially, well anything beyond that you can choose to do with what you will. But do not imperil your own financial independence by supporting hers.

    #814440 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Parents have fucking duties to their kids. Not the other way around. You are wasting your youth picking up the slack of a mother who — frankly — sounds like an unpleasant mess. An ungrateful one, too. You’ve got Stockholm Syndrome.

    #814443 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    If you have more job opportunities where you are, I’d suggest dealing with your mom for awhile while you search for a better job- and a shared apartment. You still get space from your mom, hopefully better career opportunities and yet you’re still around to be there for your sisters.

    Or you could move in with grandma. Moving is expensive.

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