Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Moving in with my grandma

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This topic contains 34 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar CET 1 week, 6 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 35 total)
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  • #814447 Reply
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    Unsure

    Haha, anonymousse really threw me off with other options. But I think if I stay in the same city with my mom, I would just live with her and find another job. Though, I’m going to eventually move out anyways so there may be no point of finding a job only to quit when I go back to my grandma’s city. The clock is just ticking…

    And just to clarify for others, I meant as parents have many duties to their kids, kids have at least some duties to their parents, as all family members have duties to each other. Parents, and especially my single mom who didnt receive any child support, sacrifices and does so much for us. She gave birth to me and was always there for me, I can’t even think of not helping her even if it could never repay everything she’s done.
    Also, maybe some have gotten a bad image of her since I only spoke of the problems, but she’s an amazing nurse with 2 jobs, manages a shelter for children who were sexually abused, and is so loving towards everyone. I don’t want anyone to think bad of her

    #814448 Reply
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    Ele4phant

    I hear what you are saying, and I agree families have an obligation to one another, but there are limits.

    You know how when you fly, they tell you to do your air mask first before you do anyone else’s. As an adult, you are no help to anyone if you aren’t keeping your own head above water.

    Especially if the people you are supposed to be helping are capable adults themselves.

    #814449 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    What? She has two jobs? She should REALLY stop asking you for money.

    #814450 Reply
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    JD

    I mean. She could just go file for child support. Unless he is in jail or dead.

    #814454 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    I’m confused about why you would move to a city with fewer opportunities for whatever it is you want to do in life. Is it just to get away from your mom, or do you have other motives? If the former, I think your better option is to stay in the city you’re in where it sounds like you stand a higher likelihood of getting a better job. You can move out, get some distance from your mom, and keep your expenses down by getting roommates. At 21, it’s pretty normal to be living away from home anyway.

    I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable for your mom to ask you to pay rent when you’re living there, but it’s pretty messed up if she asks for money if/when you move out. It would really be up to you if you wanted to continue contributing after you move out, but it’s by no means something you need to feel obligated to do and would probably be difficult if you’re just getting your footing as a truly independent adult.

    #814457 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    I think you should move, but not into your grandmother’s home. You’re 21, find better work/opportunities and/or work multiple jobs and move into your own apartment (probably with roommates). Stay in the city you’re in since there’s more jobs and that way your mother is closer for emotional support.

    Being a single mom is difficult, and your mother sounds really great. I’m not sure why you think you shouldn’t be doing chores while you live there or that you should receive a lot of appreciation for doing them. When you move out you’ll be doing “chores” even if you have roommates.

    #814462 Reply
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    ele4phant

    Yeah, the ideal is is that you move to your own place (or your own place with roommates), not from one family members house to another.

    If that’s an impossible idea right now given what you make, or would make if you moved to your grandma’s, you should be thinking about what other changes you need to make so you are actually moving forward towards the goal of actual independence.

    The goal should not be to get out of your mom’s because you guys have been bickering, it should be to move yourself towards more independence.

    I don’t know where you are, but it would seem to me that if you can give your mom $500 a month for rent, you can afford an apartment or house with roommates, even in a more expensive city.

    I live in an expensive city, and the townhome next door to me is rented by a group of three young adults. I think they pay like $650 each. More than your budget, but these are nice townhomes. There are apartments and old houses that rent for less. So, I would think, if you could compromise on how many people you have as roommates and just how nice of a place you rent, you could live on your own already with the budget you have.

    #814464 Reply
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    Unsure

    For Copa, – Though there tends to be more jobs in the city with my mom, the living expenses I would have access to are crazy expensive. With roommates prices start at 800$ per, so I would be loosing more money, even if I find a better job, by taking the route of staying in the city but moving out unfortunately.
    Perhaps I could find roommates where my grandma is, but she is aging and wants company.

    For JD, – He is deported.

    For CurlyQue, – I meant that she said I don’t do chores when I do mostly all of them, sorry if that was unclear.

    I guess it may be time to go, I feel like kind of a loser staying at this age, just wished I was living closer to my mom.

    #814465 Reply
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    Unsure

    Thanks all for your time 🙂

    #814466 Reply
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    JD

    Agree you don’t need to be praised for chores. That’s your responsibility. You’re 21, so ya you should be paying some rent. That teaches your responsibility. Also, every child bickers with their parents at that age if they live at home because they want more freedom. 100% of the time.

    I do think it would be good to move somewhere with better job opportunities though and just to get out of the nest. My mom and I are insanely close and we do fine apart. Sure I miss her but the phone still works, as do planes. Some days I do wish we weee physically closer but she taught me to be independent, live alone, travel. I’d say staying at grandmas could be a good stepping stone. Move there, find a decent job, save some money, then move out on your own, with roommates etc.

    #814469 Reply
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    ele4phant

    Just another potential thing to keep in mind when you talk about moving in with your grandmother – you say she is aging. Does she need any care-giving? Will she need help managing medications, help cooking and preparing food, help managing errands, help with activities of daily living (getting dressed, toileting, brushing teeth, ect)? Does she have any mobility issues? Will she soon? If you move in with her, will you be expected to start providing that kind of care?

    That is hard work. My mother-in-law is assisted living, and so we have people taking care of her physical needs but managing another adult’s life when they no longer can is hard work. The hardest I’ve ever done.

    Think long and hard before you agree to take that on (or move in and are suddenly expected to do that). You shouldn’t just walk into that unprepared.

    And if she is living independently but really needs additional help, the family as a whole should be working to figure that out. That means your mother should bury the hatchet and help figure this out. It shouldn’t be left to a 21 year old.

    #814470 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I agree with the others. I’m all for helping out family if a person can. But you’re in the stage of life where you need to be transitioning into a self-sufficient adult. You don’t have the money to support yourself and your mother if you can’t afford living on your own yet. If you find yourself in a position down the road where you have more money than you need and want to help your mom, that’s great. But at this point, if you keep paying her, I don’t see how you can get to a point where you have your own place, can pay your own bills, save money, etc. If you have an unexpected car repair or medical bill, you can’t just say “but I give my mom money.” You’ll still be expected to pay those things.

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